My Mosaic

Yeah bit of regret @Jynx

ill see her again tomorrow when I go to get my bloods done, but will have d in toe. So won’t be able to give it to her. I’ll then see her Wednesday for my gp appointment. Then I see my psychologist after that. Wondering who best to tell.

@Bow hmm yeah tricky with the little one alongside. I find for myself, if I plan it too much or put too much thought into it, it can become even more difficult, so I just wait until a time feels sorta right (don't think it ever feels 100% 'right' because it's hard to be vulnerable and there's always that part of me that puts up resistance) and do it without thinking. I guess another question might be around who you feel safest with, and who will be able to provide the best response to your needs.

I most definitely feel safest around my support worker @Jynx she is easy to talk to and is very caring. But she is not at all clinical and would just have to contact community mh or maybe even bring it up at my gp appointment- she comes with me. She’ll also be at my pdoc appointment on Friday.
so plenty of people to discuss it with this week.
maybe my bloods will be bad tomorrow and it will just be taken out of my hands?

Glad you've got lots of options @Bow! Hmm sounds like you want it to be taken outta your hands? Suppose it would be easier if you didn't have to bring it up yourself.

Maybe if you let your support worker at least know that you're having trouble expressing how bad things are, she will help advocate and take the reins to ensure you get the support you need. Let her know what you hope to happen once your bloods come in. That sorta thing. Even if you can't find the words to give her the full scope, at least letting her know that you could use some support in communicating and advocating means you won't have to rely on test results to tell your team where things are at.

Yeah sometimes I’d like decisions taken out of my hands… especially when I’m feeling pretty miserable @Jynx but then I have moments where I’m like no way. Let me just keep going like I am.

I often go in to have bloods and think surely with how I am feeling my bloods are gonna be bad, but I go in to get my results and they are all fine. Sometimes it’s a real kick in the guts. So invalidating. Disappointing. I walk away so deflated.

I’m sure I will have an opportunity some time this week to talk to her again. Just hopefully I will be able to be a bit more honest.

@Bow I imagine it's exhausting feeling pulled in two directions all the time. Wanting to maintain agency and autonomy, but also needing external intervention, a tough spot to be. I imagine that's what is happening with your bloods, almost like poor results are a way of signalling that you're in need of that intervention, and feeling frustrated when it comes back okay and you're on your own again. Does that resonate?

When it comes to the point where you have the opportunity to talk about it again, picture me holding your hand. It's what I would do if I was there in person, but mental imaginings will have to do!

Yep that’s exactly what it’s like @Jynx ive lost track of the amount of times I’ve sat in my gps room and she’s reported back to me that my bloods are great, that’s really good news.. we’re moving in the right direction. And internally I am screaming no no no. It’s not good news. She’s got no idea.
then I walk out and I’m angry with myself. Gotta push harder…… etc.

Urgh it’s so shit @Jynx it’s so hard. Incredibly hard. It makes me so desperate. My heads a mess tonight.

@Bow is it worth perhaps talking to your team about this interaction, that sometimes getting good results can create tension and make you want to push yourself further? Like maybe hearing that you're 'moving in the right direction', whilst being a good thing, can exacerbate the self-destructive parts of yourself.

Yeah that’s probably a wise idea @Jynx Cause yes it definitely kicks that self destructive part into overdrive. Ideally my gp wouldn’t make any comment on my blood results… I guess unless there is a problem. But then sometimes I want to know what they are. If she says they are all good, I’ll specifically ask what my potassium is. Urgh. Maybe something to discuss with folks more. Thanks.

@Jynx I currently have one kitty cat purring across my stomach and another one curled up next to me making biscuits. So soothing

Hopefully you can work together to come up with ways to communicate this stuff without it potentially becoming triggering @Bow. You're welcome, always happy to help 😊

Aww bless! The baker is in!! Honestly nothing quite like the soothing feeling of a cat purring. I've read it is legitimately good for cats health, and also good for ours!