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Something’s not right

My Mosaic

BowSenior Contributor

My Mosaic

My Mosaic

I like mosaic art, I’ve never actually done any, but it intrigued me. Made up of hundreds of tiny pieces of stone, glass and ceramic. If you look at it close up it doesn’t really look like anything special, if anything it looks like a mess. But if you take a step back and view the whole picture- it’s a master piece. I guess it’s kind of like life. So many tiny parts, some messy if we look just at the one part. Some day i guess I’d hope that the mess of my life will at some point look half decent.

So here is part of my mosaic, bits and pieces kept tidy together 🙂

tagging you @Emelia8 cause you asked 🙂

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In response to: My Mosaic

SnowieSenior Contributor

Re: My Mosaic

I feel like my current psych does @creative_writer but it took me years and many other psychs to find her. I think it is an ongoing process. Part of it is letting them in too. I find that I have my guard up with so many things. I am scared of being hurt again so I don't let people into my inner circle.

In response to: Re: My Mosaic

creative_writerSenior Contributor

Re: My Mosaic

@Snowie, my guard might be the problem too. I just never can let myself be. I am always the client who holds back tears and doesn’t talk about so much. I also struggle with relationships, it’s been hard to move away from “better off alone” mindset. I feel being alone is hardly the worst thing than can happen, I feel safe alone. It’s so much worse to end up with the wrong people in your life

In response to: Re: My Mosaic

SnowieSenior Contributor

Re: My Mosaic

I agree @creative_writer sometimes it is safer alone. It can be hard letting people in, especially into our inner circle. Especially if there have been people that have broken our trust.

I have no real friends, most of them ran when I was diagnosed with my MI. I can't blame them however, I never gave them a chance.

I have never cried in front of my psych. I can cry alone at home but that's it.

In response to: Re: My Mosaic

creative_writerSenior Contributor

Re: My Mosaic

@Snowie, I often feel as though I have nobody to talk to, though I know deep down inside if I did reach out there will be people there for me, but I am afraid of taking the risks.

I have gotten misty eyes in therapy, but I never let the tears slide. My psych does notice. I have given up crying for the most part, the only time I have privacy is at night, by then I’m too exhausted. Do I want someone to hold me and be there for me while I let it out? Yes. But I’m too scared to let anyone be there for me

In response to: Re: My Mosaic

SnowieSenior Contributor

Re: My Mosaic

I can understand those risks @creative_writer it sometimes it easier to keep people at a length then the possibility of getting hurt.

My psych once said to me that the only way to let people in is to see the whole me. But to me that is too scary. The fear of being hurt outweighs letting people know the true me.

I know it's not the same hon, but you have us here. We will always listen. I find a level of understanding on here that is hard to find in real life. Maybe because we can really be ourselves without revealing who we truly are.

In response to: Re: My Mosaic

creative_writerSenior Contributor

Re: My Mosaic

@Snowie, it certainly helps reaching out on the forums. I think the anonymity does help.

You really can’t let anyone in without showing them the whole you. That is what scares me about relationships. I can say I’m close to people but they don’t know the whole me. It has made it harder to form friendships and feel comfortable with the idea of romantic relationships. I know the only way to progress is by opening up to people, but that will take a lot of time

In response to: Re: My Mosaic

SnowieSenior Contributor

Re: My Mosaic

It's ok if it takes time @creative_writer I don't think you can put a time limit on it.

I agree that we have to share our whole selves to let people in, but that is very scary to do.

I also think that what we need out of friends changes as we do.

In response to: Re: My Mosaic

creative_writerSenior Contributor

Re: My Mosaic

@Snowie, I guess it’s about unlearning the hyper independence. I know I want relationships but I do feel like I’ve become more cynical over time. It’s hard to have faith in humanity when people do awful things.

I’ve spent years trying to suppress my need for relationships, to the point I convinced myself I didn’t need anyone. I am finding it hard to suppress the need for longer. I know I am craving companionship, but sometimes I feel like it’s not possible for someone who is fucked up as me

In response to: Re: My Mosaic

SnowieSenior Contributor

Re: My Mosaic

It takes a lot of trust @creative_writer especially when there is a past of mistrust.

I think it is possible for everyone to have that companionship. We all deserve it not matter what our past is or what we are going through now.

I hope you find it hon, I really do.

It's time for me to go. I was going to try and stay awake longer but my mind and body needs to rest. Time for some journalling and bed.

Thanks for the chat today. You have helped me today more than you realise. Thanks also for letting me be part of your journey and having a glimpse into your life.

Goodnight hon, talk again soon

In response to: Re: My Mosaic

creative_writerSenior Contributor

Re: My Mosaic

@Snowie, thank you for the chat I hope you rest well tonight. Will talk to you soon 💖🫂
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