Checking In

well that's a lot closer than it once was @Arizona

Yes, it has felt like this lockdown will never end @TAB .

I'm totally over the coronavirus. The whole thing is so weird and sci-fi. And I find it disgusting that it started in a Chinese live food market (apparently) where people eat bats. The whole thing is f***ing crazy. And it p*sses me off that I have to compete with 'normal' people, for services that were already strained, who are feeling a little bit depressed because of the coronavirus when I've had the most majorly life fuckerupering depression for most of my life. Well f*** them. I hope they all die of the coronavirus. There are too many people in the world anyway.

That was my coronavirus rant LOL.

yeah sorta agree with bits of that @Arizona dont usually post it though, just say it to myself lol

yeah 2 tiered Jobseeker was another good one, the new'good' dole ies vs old 'bad' ones

think if on govt payment dont get any covid payment now (?) people are still getting covid payments ok from states think.

plus job keeper, which read today, resulted in millions of dollars sent overseas to foreign parent companies and paid out to execs as bonuses lol etc etc then all the anti vaxxers and freedom BS ..really ..

"yeah sorta agree with bits of that @Arizona dont usually post it though, just say it to myself lol"

Hahaha that made me laugh out loud.

I'm like an old person who wants to go back to the old days. The world is f***ed now. Things have gotten so bad that I have been seriously considering smoking weed again.

@TAB

oh there is a button up top right in dark box that says 'quote' lol @Arizona

Agree. I was rare user , just because it was there. But few times this year thought cookies would have bee perfect before bed to sleep etc

yes, the world is way worse, not better , everyone in power is a crook and the openly state it even lol

Yes, that's what I was thinking: cookies. I don't really like the idea of smoking again. I gave up cigarette smoking 21 years ago. I didn't want to look like an old hag.

@TAB

yeah last times stopped smoking was 30 months ago , dont want to go back.

ok I stopped at 25 for 13 years then managed to take it up again around 40 yay

I don't miss cigarettes at all and I'm glad I gave them up. Smoking is too expensive now anyway.

@TAB

Hello @oceangirl

and

@BlueBay, @TAB , @Arizona , @MDT

and

other visitors to this thread

I find it easier to write about issues in some detail, rather than short snippets of what is happening in the moment. Hence the length of my posts which, while less frequent, I hope are comprehensive, and as such, useful in the way that I like to present them.

In your note, @oceangirl , on 8 Sept, you asked how I was feeling and whether I tend to “over intellectualise”. I would think that over intellectualising would be making thoughts of my feelings and from that, possibly not be addressing my feelings. I hope that there is a difference between intellectualising and the ability to present thoughts and feelings, either my own or those that others describe, in words that we can all understand. However, I believe that your observations and implied suggestions are, to some degree, correct. I can remember, in a counselling session, during my early 20's, that I had difficulty distinguishing between what I thought and what I felt. I was totally unaccustomed to expressing how I felt. The idea had been imposed on me, during childhood, that children did not have feelings, and so I never knew how to express them. I am very much aware of the falsehood of that idea now, for people of any age.

In earlier posts, I believe that I would have mentioned that I am currently speaking with a counsellor. As a result of our discussions, I am looking at feelings, thoughts and events in my life. From the connections between them, I am gaining insight into my past and present responses to many of them. From that, sometimes difficult exploration, my wish is to recognise and reduce the affect that my unconscious, maladaptive responses have had and are imposing on my life. Part of that maladaptive process has, in part, included the sublimation of thoughts and feelings, as a response to earlier conditioning. As a result, the 'archived' thoughts and feelings still keep working in either positive or negative ways, unlike books and records, that, archived without attention, simply deteriorate. Fortunately, the positives have been mostly retained in conscious thought and expressed in speech or action. However, unfortunately, the negative and unpleasant aspects of life, that are most likely to be covered up or sublimated, are the ones that keep working, most often, without our attention and awareness. That continued toxic activity, I believe, is what most often poisons various parts of our lives.

Somehow, I connected with one of your posts, from the 1 May this year, that expresses very closely, my own concerns, which are among the reasons for which I sought counselling again more recently.

“I thought I would post here tonight. I have struggled the last month but have picked up in the last week. I feel like I am not progressing forward and I would like to be doing more in my life. And I am most definitely frustrated by this. My first goal is to work on both my mental and physical health. I really want to declutter my study and my spare room. And to have more of a routine and better sleep schedule. I think that is a start and I will work towards this over the next few weeks.”

I see @TAB expressing similar concerns in his post of the 2 May this year

“I can take years to buy a pair of new pants, its like a mental block, also saucepans atm, threw old ones out as damaged, had no saucepans at all 6 months now, how hard is that? there's always an excuse.

oh and gym memberships where I got for 2-3 weeks , see marked improvement in short time then just stop going ..

and clutter in room where I am is out of control, I know I feel calmer, more comfortable, more at ease if can see clear spaces , yet can only do it every few months seems lol”

Psychological challenges that I face, though not limited to, are:

1. Addressing those negative thoughts and feelings, past and recent, by bringing them to the surface, however difficult that may be, re-scripting and, or seeing what their positive aspects can be.

2. A consequence or outcome of point 1. is to reverse a decline in my personal view of my life and purpose, by changing my view of negative experiences, thoughts and feelings and making the positives more prominent.

3. Unpicking the 'woven tapestry' {tangled fishing line might be a more appropriate analogy} of negatives and developed patterns of thought and behaviour, and replacing them with more pro-adaptive, positive and appropriate patterns.

4. Most of the issues that I face are affected by, or interface with, the effects of long-standing depression, a condition of which I only became aware in midlife, as not being a normal state in life. Depression had significant impact from at least my teenage years. At that time, very little, or no recognition, and therefore attention was given to such difficulties. So the aim now, with the assistance of medication, is to lift my view of life as much and as far as I can.

Physical challenges that I face, though not limited to, are:

• Overcoming the inertia caused by pain, particularly in the back, and difficulty walking as a result of pain and balance problems that result from nerve pathways compromised, prior to and the reason for surgery, enabling me to continue to be independently mobile. There is consequent limited sensation in my feet and lower legs. {Very similar to what @Emelia8 describes.}

• The more exercise I can do, the quicker and more evident will be any improvement in my personal capacity and productiveness.

• Thankfully, as long as I remember to take the AD medication, it helps to ward off insomnia.

Positives in my life are a continuing and strengthening relationship with my first daughter and her son. Earlier difficulties developed as a result of other influences. However, I do believe that my daughter's observation of the way that I cared for my mother, during our last ten years together, lead to a changing of her perception of, and relationship with me, in a very positive way.

Continued involvement and activity in community activities, particularly singing and various church activities, that are both expressions of faith and positive interpersonal relationships in a fellowship environment, are very helpful for me in terms of maintaining a sense of personal emotional and psychological stability.

I noted your observation of the closeness of the names of our former and current companions, in Kira and Kirra.

There are times, I find, when we can interact and respond comfortably and easily with others, and other times, when we feel that what we might write, or say, we simply do not want to project or impose on other people. Depression, in its various forms, can be exceptionally difficult to live with. It can also impact on memory and attention capacities, as you describe, and I have likewise experienced, with forgetting wallet, etc.....

Your reference to your “first girly bike!” did amuse me. Sounds very sassy. Friends looking out for us – among those positives, of which I want to be more aware and conscious.

I did get my bicycle operational last week, went for a ride, and the next day, flat tyre. So, I have a repair kit and, after the repair, I look forward to using the bike for most of my shopping and other activities around town. That will, at least, give me some more regular and consistent exercise, of the type with which I can cope.

“I lose a lot of energy processing social stuff. Can be very costly.” was a comment that you made in the same note as the one about the bike. I think that I understand what you mean. Social interaction, despite its obvious benefits, often seems to be draining. While talking with the counsellor, we discussed the difficulties that I have in making social and business phone calls. She described such situations for her as being unencumbered by any apprehension or associated anxiety. Yet for me those situations often have concerning levels of anxiety and apprehension attached to them. Part of that tapestry of maladaptive behaviours to which I referred earlier.

Well, I think enough for now. I hope that elements of what I have written, may stimulate further discussion and be of interest and possibly useful for you @oceangirl and others. It helps me as well, to be able to express my concerns, feelings, thoughts, hopes and wishes.

With My Very Best Wishes

@HenryX

hey @TAB

I didn't get much sleep last night- only a few hrs.

I sold my BBQ on FB this morning- happy about that.

And now looking at selling more on market place.

Milo is still on strict bed rest for another three weeks.