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Reaching out

Adrift1Casual Contributor30 Oct 2020, 9:22 pm AEDT

Reaching out

Hi all,

I've never posted to a forum like this before but I've reached a crisis point and I need - I'm not sure really what I need - advice? Understanding? Anyone who has been through similar experiences?
My beautiful mum passed away on Boxing Day last year. She was more than a mum to me- she was a best friend and advisor and although I believe I've coped reasonably well with her passing I still grieve. I have her strength though - well some of it.
My poor dad believed always that he'd go first and was left utterly without hope after her passing- they were married 61 years. He continued to live alone in the family home, with me visiting most weekends to wash and shop for him -until 9 weeks ago. He had a massive stroke and lay on the floor for many hours (I call every day and called an ambulance to him when I couldn't reach him) which has wiped a good deal of his short term memory and half his vision. We've had to make the very difficult decision to place him in aged care. He made the transition this week but is already in hospital with confusion and his third infection since the stroke happened. The delirium was horrific the first two times.
Now, I am having difficulty coping with his constant emotional demands, the stress of phone calls all day and night from care homes, rehab clinics and hospitals where he accuses nursing staff of being stupid and not listening or poisoning his food and where he berates me for not visiting - because he's forgotten I have. I was visiting twice a day, for 6 weeks up and down the central coast while working - an hour each way -took leave from work and have done my absolute best to support him through this - but I'm mentally and physically exhausted. I can't sleep at night for fear they'll call, I want to sleep all day - I know I have to return to work but when I think of putting myself first I feel selfish and guilty. I don't know what to do but I know I'm not in a great place right now. I feel like it's all too much right now so any advice gratefully received

7 replies

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In response to: Reaching out

Unknown userMember30 Oct 2020, 10:00 pm AEDT

Re: Reaching out

Hello @Adrift1 ,

I'm Radius, one of the moderators on her tonight. Firstly I wanted to say welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out. It is always hard to do so, but more so when you have never done it before. Sounds like you have been through so much grief and loss. I can only imagine how incredibly mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting this must be for you. It can be really hard during these times to remember to self care and look after ourselves.
I hope you find the peer support you need for yourself here in the forums.
Please take care,

Radius

In response to: Reaching out

PowderfingerSenior Contributor31 Oct 2020, 2:32 am AEDT

Re: Reaching out

@Adrift1

Hi, I've not been in this situation before. My suggestions, perhaps it is time to start laying some boundaries down. Perhaps think of where some boundaries need to be layed and where they will be respected.

Obviously your dad will not remember boundaries you put down. Your father even though confused and making sold accusations is scared too. Leaving your home of what would have been a long time, not having control of your body and confusion sadly comes with the territory.

Perhaps write down a list of people who call you, when and why? Decided what is super important, mildly important and what can wait for you to know. Then work out some boundaries and have discussions with the people who call when they don't need to.

This does not make you less caring. Burnout is extremely hard to recover from. The signs are there already.

Good luck!

In response to: Reaching out

MaggieSenior Contributor31 Oct 2020, 5:03 am AEDT

Re: Reaching out

@Adrift1 Welcome.

I am sorry for you loss. Your mum sounds like she was your rock.

I’m also sorry you dad is now very unwell. But you are also. If he is in a home, his needs are being met, or as well as can be expected.

You can’t keep going at the pace you are, it’s something you know yourself. Can you find a counsellor/social worker ? Someone to help you through this time.

Maybe ask the home your dad is in to reduce the calls.

You are not selfish at all. You need/ deserve rest, just like everyone else.

Please try to take care.

In response to: Re: Reaching out

Adrift1Casual Contributor31 Oct 2020, 11:26 am AEDT

Re: Reaching out

Thank you for your concern and understanding

In response to: Re: Reaching out

Adrift1Casual Contributor31 Oct 2020, 11:27 am AEDT

Re: Reaching out

Thank you - I’ll try to work on prioritising - will help I think

In response to: Re: Reaching out

Adrift1Casual Contributor31 Oct 2020, 11:29 am AEDT

Re: Reaching out

Dad was almost completely reliant on mum - I toad her it was learned helplessness.
Now that he is truly 'helpless' he's also becoming a bit manipulative - when I come to leave he will develop pain or cry and beg me to stay and it's awful. I have high empathy and it just breaks my heart and he knows it - as you do wisely say, there are people to take care of him now, but he's back in hospital and I'm back spending hours a day feeding him and making sure he's ok

In response to: Re: Reaching out

MaggieSenior Contributor31 Oct 2020, 5:19 pm AEDT

Re: Reaching out

@Adrift1 I hear how hard it is. I too have high empathy, and understand the tug on heart strings.

It is important ( if possible ) to try and have a few boundaries in place for your own health.

Can you try for every second day to start with ? Give yourself some rest.

Im hearing you. Sending lots of 💙💙💕💕💕

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