A shadow in Darkness

When my dog passed away a few years back.. my world was destroyed, 15 years of unconditional love gone.

I still feel sadness from it.

I left the town I was living in. Moved to a city, everytime things looked up. Something horrible was around the corner. Fake friends, unhealthy relationship, homeless and people taking advantage of my kind nature.

So when things were turning dark again, I packed up and moved to QLD.

I did this because a person, whom I helped when they were in my old State(S.A), coexed me to move, promises of emotional support and friendship (which isn't how it turned out). So I found a place that would let me move in on the day of flying in.

2 day's later, they said their Anxiety could not cope with living with someone. I understood, so I moved to the part of QLD I'm currently at.

That's when the female whom coaxed me to move here turned and said She couldn't handle I am Autistic and it made her feel like I was a r3t@rd, yes those were her exact words.

Where I am at now, I don't have friends or people I can go visit or people to visit me. I also suffer depression and anxiety. I have epilepsy as well (yes I am a mixed bag of problems).

I am currently studying a business course, and I will struggle try to find a job.

I grew up in a violently abusive home which has left me.. I dunno, but I don't feel like I am the person I wanted to be.

I have had minimal amount of romantic relationships/girlfriends/partners through out my entire life. 4 relationships since turning 18 to now at 32. Of those 4, one lasted 10 months before I was cheated on.

The other lasted 2 weeks before I was cheated on

The 3rd lasted 3 months, I was helping her/supporting her BPD/BP and move in the direction of life she wanted.. having to give up 2 jobs in the process. And at the end of it, she told me 'she did research on Autism and doesn't think I would be able to emotionally be there like she needed.

The 4th, I don't really count, as that is the female I was coaxed to move here by. We met when her dad (my neighbour) was murdered in the house next to me.. and all the scum broke into his house and stole his property (which I helped get back).

We talked on the phone for weeks/months before I moved here. But she just couldn't find the capability to look past me having Autism.

I have been told numerous times that I am not an attractive person (much more rudely put when told). My confidence is barely existent.

The worst part for me is.. I haven't been able to cry for over a year now. It's like I feel like I want to.. but then nothing, I just go numb.

I have survived a couple suicide attempts, so I don't want to try that again. But somedays I feel so down, I imagine ways of doing it.

Thanks for reading, I needed to vent, since no one I know cares to listen about how I feel.