Hi @Springtime
I'm going to echo @Shaz51 with a gentle reminder that the pandemic and sequential lock down have had a dramatic affect on the state of a lot of peoples mental health--whether they've had pre-existing mental health issues or not. It is also going to affect everyone differently, I think that's important to remember. The way people deal with the initial situation and the resulting after shock is going to vary. I imagine since your husband sounds like he is out of commission right now, that you're having to pick up the slack and that's rough and it's not fair and I feel your frustration for wanting him to do more.
It sounds like your husband was aware of his mental health issues prior to the pandemic, did he/or does he now, have support networks for this? Is he on any medication? Does he see a therapist?
You're in a bit of a tight spot right now, and I'm sorry to say it, but no matter how many talks you have with him about doing more he isn't going to suddenly turn around and get it. Depression is debilitating. You've said he's taking your talks as a personal attack, like he's not good enough. I personally don't believe he is attempting to manipulate you. This is an almost constant thought process that runs through the mind of a depressed person. Feelings of not being good enough and there's no point to anything are common. A depressed person isn't seeing things through a rational scope, everything becomes warped and they really do feel like all they mange to do is fail at everything, which makes it hard to function at all. The big problem I think you'll have here is accepting that there's not a whole lot you can do. You can't force someone to get help, to change, to think or behave differently. They have to want to change, to feel better, to do more, to live.
As someone who has been to the deep end of depression, and managed to claw my way out, my advice would be this:
>> Even at my lowest point where I contemplated suicide, I still wasn't able to recognise I was depressed and needed help. I was consumed by my own suffering and convinced there was no hope at all. Things that helped me recognise I in fact was depressed was reading material. Books helped, reading novels themed with depression/trauma gave me something to relate to. Reading forums like this and being able to connect with people with similar experiences. And this is probably the biggest one of all: Being validated. I felt I was wrong to feel the things I felt, that I was broken, that there was something wrong with me. The biggest turning point in my life is when someone gave me permission to feel those things. I was justified in feeling depressed, upset, angry, all of it. Acknowledging my feelings instead of trying to push them aside and carry on with life was a game changer for me. Once I acknowledged my feelings, I was able to start working through them and move to a better place--mentally.
>> Encourage your husband to check out this forum or any he likes the look of. Get it set up on the computer for him and make it accessible, book mark the page, anything that will help encourage him to actually take that first step
>> Get some books or movies he can watch/read that are relevant to his mental health and talk to him about the content. If he can see/read about characters with the challenges he's facing, he might be more inclined to acknowledge his own feelings
>> Find resources from sites like this and print off some info for him to read through. Again making it accessible, printing it off and sitting it on his bedside table or something. There are even mental health tests you can whip through online (if he's open to that) that can help him gauge the severity of his depression--he most likely isn't aware how badly he is struggling
>> Remind him of positive moments in life you've shared together. Talk about moments you've shared and enjoyed. Push him to see there were times when he was happy
>> If he's able to make the connection that his mental health isn't great, you can look into seeing a GP, going on medication, or seeing a therapist. There's a lot of options for support out there, he just has to be open to it.
Having said all that, there is only so much a person can do to help. He has to want to get help, you can't make him want to change. Try to be patient and remind yourself he isn't the only one who has struggled with mental health issues this year--it's been a terrible year for so many people. It might also help if you take some time for yourself, accept that there is only so much you can do. You aren't wonder woman, nor should you be. The pandemic has had an affect on you too, you've lost the support of your husband--and that is huge--I also assume this is a widespread issue for many married couples during 2020. Take more time for yourself, accept things aren't going to be how they used to be, try to adjust to new routines even if things aren't getting done. It's a new normal, but it's temporary. It is only temporary.
I sincerely hope you and your husband find a way to navigate this challenge together. Please take care of yourself and I hope I've been able to help.
