Need to vent

Hi @Eve7 I was going to ask you - how do you deal with your mum?

Hi @BlueBay

My Mum lives 1000kms away...so I see her infrequently.

I saw her 2 weeks ago for her birthday and was told my gift of moisturiser was unsuitable as she was allergic to that type. She was more interested in Prince Philip’s funeral than seeing me.

Let’s just say my sh was quite high. Usually I just pay no attention as at 92 she is not about to change and will probably outlive me.

@BlueBay aw geez, sounds like a real rough time. How's your back going now? Perhaps husband could do more than offer pain relief... back rub maybe? Just thinking outside the box there. I hope whatever it is settles soon for you--back pain is just the worst!

Very glad you have your GP and psych apps here soon, only tomorrow to go.

I'm really glad you were able to talk to a SANE counsellor and even better that it helped you through such a rough time! Takes a lot of strength to not resort to old habits. I'm really glad you didn't do anything, stay strong, lean on your husband.

I'm hardly one to talk here. I respond to my mother out of fear really, that's all it is (inner child thing). I get how hard it is to pull away despite how badly we want to. And perhaps there's that fear there for you too, especially surrounding how you will be able to contact your Dad if you really gave it to your mother. Is the relationship you have with your Dad right now what you want? @Owlunar said something that's sticking with me, how their Dad could have gotten in touch but didn't. And this seems applicable to you as well. It isn't all your responsibility. The reason I'm saying all this is because I wonder what benefit there is at this point in having contact with your mother? It just sounds like it's causing you a lot of distress. And I mean, taking time apart, stepping back, it doesn't have to be forever if that's not what you want. But I mean I get it, it's not easy.

Great work on applying for the job, my view on that is go ahead and apply for whatever tickles your fancy! When the time comes, you don't have to follow through with an interview if it doesn't feel right. Or say you go on an interview and it all works out, you don't have to accept the position. You'll always have the choice, and it's always freeing to have options.

Hope you get a good rest tonight and wake to find the back pain has kindly left you in the morning

oh i am sorry @Eve7 that you too have trouble with your mum. You're right though she won't change now at 92 yrs old. It would have been nice for her to say 'thank you' for the present.

My mum told me weeks ago to stop bringing biscuits as her and dad are not having sugar anymore. So I thought stuff it, I am bringing my dad's favourite biscuits that he remembers from his village. I don't care what she thinks.

I'm sorry you had sh. I do understand why you would because i felt like that yesterday.

Hugs @Eve7 xxx

It is what it is @BlueBay . My mother has had a tough life and was married to my alcoholic father for almost 60 years.

I am sorry @Eve7 xxxooo

It’s ok @BlueBay

@We’re doing this journey together

💙💙💙

hank you @saltandpepper

the thing is with my dad that there is no point. he doesn't drive anymore and even when he did and we weren't talking he made no effort to come to see me. Not even a phone call while mum was out shopping. He never attempted once to hear my side of the story (that day i told her about the abuse). he wasn't there because she told him to go out; yet she told me that he didn't want to see me or hear what i had to say!!! I was a crying mess. how can my dad not want to see me; how can he just listen to her and do what she says. Yet he still does. They're both in their 80's now and very set in their ways, european ways!!!

it shouldn't be all my responsibility to contact my parents, should it?? I don't think so. they have a home phone and can call me. they make no effort at all.

When i did have no contact for 4 years i was devastated that i had lost all contact with my dad because of my mum's terrible behaviour towards me when i disclosed my childhood sexual abuse. all i wanted was my dad. but in a way it felt good also because i didn't have her to answer to. i didn't have to tell her where i was going or what i was doing or what i was buying (yes even in my married life i still felt that i had to tell her everything). i know that's bad. and in a sense i felt a bit of freedom from her controlling behaviour, it was scary though. in that 4 years of not speaking, we sold our home and bought a new one - all without her "consent or approval". that was a huge decision and hubby and i did that without them.

ha ha i wish hubby would give me a back massage, no just two paracetamol after i asked him.

there is so much i can write about my family, so so much but it might be boring for everyone.

the amount of things that my brother has done 'wrong' i have lost count. the amount of heartache he has given my parents especially my dad is high. the 4 different marriages, two children from different wives; a daughter who suicided, a wife who was a prostititute. the list goes on and on and on.

he didn't even go to his daughter's funeral; how can a father not go???

oh there is so much, yet he is still the 'golden child' according to my parents. he can do no wrong.

oh gosh i have written too much on here @Former-Member if not accepted pls delete. i just needed to write and what he has done to me is another story. from the ages of 9-12 yrs old a vulnerable and naive girl, who knew nothing about sexual contact. Gosh i hate him so much.

sorry i need to stop.

@BlueBay in response to your post that I guess got deleted... Always feel welcome to say as much or as little as you feel comfortable with. I'm so incredibly sorry for what you've had to endure. It makes me feel sick that your parents would view him as a "golden child". Just that list of his personal accomplishments is heinous enough, let alone what he did to you. What a fu*king c***. If your parents can honestly turn a blind eye to everything he has done, I have to wonder what kind of people they are. I mean, I get that your Dad has to find a way to survive living with your Mum, but fu*king me. I just can't understand how they can live with themselves. And look, are these really the kind of people worth trying to have a relationship with? Are they really worth it? I know that it's rough when parents aren't who we need them to be. And neither option is ideal, but having contact sounds so damaging and harmful, you know?

How does your husband go at talking about the family stuff? Have you thought about trying to have that conversation with just your Dad? Maybe your husband can be there for support. You know then you can talk to your Dad, tell him what you went through, and if he's even half the Dad you want him to be, he'll listen. If he doesn't, maybe you can close the door on both of them for good?

I really feel for you @BlueBay and I'm so sorry you haven't received the love and support you deserve from your parents.

Talk to your husband, tell him you're struggling--tell him he can't fix it, you just need him to be with you. I hope you'll reach out and lean on him for support, you deserve that @BlueBay

How do you go with your husbands family?

We are sitting with you my sister xoxo @BlueBay And @Jynx And @saltandpepper is too xoxoxo