Need to vent

Hi @BlueBay

This sounds so positive - I am really glad to read about your making decisions - you must feel better yourself - personally I think groups have a place but not always and if we are really into recovering it can drag us back - I found this along time ago when I started to heal after my son died - I had to stop groups too - it seemed to drag me back. We need to go forward at our own pace - I do understand this

And of course your doctor believes you are in pain - he sounds like a very decent and caring man - and I believe you're in pain too - and pain is subjective - in no way can we really communicate what our pain feels like to someone else - we are told to say where our pain is on the 1 - 10 scale. I think whatever number we say when we are asked that question it is the sound of our voice and the look on our face that communicates the level to a paramedic for example - they are trained

And doctors are too - so yes - I think it's true and you have pain and sometimes it's really bad - I've explained the Government contraints on prescribing pain medication - I think this is unfair and it has nothing to do with the psychosomatic nature of pain - it's a law that has no understanding of the subjective nature of pain - I know it - you are learning it and many others are caught in the tangle

I've been though dealing with stress related disorders and finally I had an operation I needed - it is hard for doctors to sort through things when stress is a big factor - I think your doctor is on the ball - you are free to get another diagnosis if you are worried - I know you were examined by a physician fairly recently and your GP knows this

When I was reading the info in the internet about BPD I learned that diagnosing something with the disorder was difficult - you have been checked out - I can't possibly tell but what I can suggest is that you do the best with the info you have and think about it and the difficulties about pain medication and try and not get worried - just as your emotions are scattered so it's possible this is how your health issues are perceived too so it's tricky. I hear you - it's a problem

It's very humid today - I would like to go to the beach myself but getting a bus would be an adventure in pain I am not prepared to have just yet - I am recovering but it seems I have one good day when I get a few things attended to and then I have a day when I am very tired and need to rest more - I have been reading a lot lately

I think that having a thread where you can vent is better - and it's encouraging actually - it seems you are more settled but then I also know something about stress and depression myself and I remember there were times that were really hard to get through - but this does pass - it comes down to letting time pass -

When I was waiting to go into the theatre for my operation last week I was having my personal private freak-out which is what I do - of course - and a theatre operater asked me what I could do - of course I said "I can breathe" - true - I had the mask on and the nurse pulled it down slightly which was easier - and after I thought - well - I could have got up and gone home - but I needed that operation

At the trickiest and most confined moments of our lives there is always a way out - we can choose not to do that - I really only worked that one out for myself last week

All the best

Dec

Hi @BlueBay, I'm sorry to hear you've had a difficult day, it's sound really tough right now. I encourage you to connect with the support you deserve. Here are some phone supports that can help provide additional support, Lifeline 13 11 14 and Suicide call back service 1800 659 467. These supports are here to help you get through.

@BlueBay Hope you are ok? Hope you have been able to reach out to someone. Please check in when you can.

it sucks when we have a win- your doctors appointment sounds like it was a positive on in that your doc believes you and you have been able to assert what you need. But then things take a sudden swing. Life is such a roller coaster at times. Hoping that your on the up again real soon.

take care x

Most definitely NOT @BlueBay 😱 ... I KNOW you are not a horrible person. And I KNOW you do NOT deserve bad things to happen to you. Not now, not in the past, and not ever. Goodness me Blue .. whatever has happened that makes you think that?

Can I sit with you for a while? I'm happy to talk if it would help.

Must warn you though, that I have been out all morning at an appointment. Feeling very sore and need to lie down a while. If I doze off ... I will get back to you.

Please do not do anything rash. Take a breath and reassess. Things will look better then. 🌷

Emelia

Happy to sit alongside y’all @BlueBay and @Emelia8 been out all morning too and just having a rest on the bed in front of the fans

Wow @BlueBay

My head just spun around -

You are not a horrible person and you don't deserve bad things - no one does -

I don't know what happened - have you made an unwise decision - a mistake - we all screw things up sometimes - aw - I am sorry you feel so bad

You are meant to be here - we all are - you can vent though -

Dec

Why am I like this

one minute ok and the next a horrible person

I can't understand me anymore

I can't analyse everything

my dictir says I psycho analyse everything and it's not good

I am going back to beach with hubby

need to get out of house

Yes - go to the beach @BlueBay

You are not horrible - it is so bad you think so - we all get in a stew sometimes

Why is analysing anything or everything not okay? I think about things a lot - I like doing that -

Perhaps you tend to internalise things more - but you are okay

I'm okay and you're okay - we are all okay - we just get in a twist sometimes

Just give yourself a break sometimes

Dec

@grayhorn

Hi Blue

Glad you went back to the beach with your hubby.

When I first started doing affirmations all this aweful stuff started coming up in my mind. I think sometimes when sometimes things go right, it's not like normal, and so we slip back into the known, which is I'm such a crap person, I'm too hard to love and no one wants to know me anyway. That's me anyway.

I woke up from a dream this morning when the birds were waking up and howled my eyes out. Lucky there's no one else here but my cat and she gave me a wide bearth for awhile after. My late husband's memrial of the day he passed was a few days ago, and I thought I was doing really well this time. Then I woke up from the dream and wailed and howled angry tears at how come people we love get taken, happened to me all my life, just like everyone else. The rules of life. My dad's 90, my kindred spirit, and he's recently got an incurable diagnosis. Life ain't so pretty sometimes. But the good thing about venting is then laughter comes. Robert Fulghum, an author and unitarian minister, said in a poem - the only cure for grief is laughter. I get it, but first I have to howl and wail. Such is life.

I think what it is @Owlunar is that I internalise everything. I need to fix things. I have to diet things through. In my head it has to be right.
I think it's this black and white thinking.

I went straight into the water and had a nice swim. It was so nuce.
Hubby says he wants to go to the cemetery on weekend. I said why don't we go in our way to our holiday on Monday morning.
then I got upset and started to cry. I was thinking about how my parents never came and then I think about future and how will I cope when my dad dies. Then I cried more.
see this is what my mind does.

it sucks getting old. I'm scared of the future so much. Instead I should be enjoying it day by day. I do at times especially with littke A. But when I'm not doing anything my mind goes into over drive.

I keep thinking of my dad. He's in his middle 80's and not well.
I can't think about it. When it happens it happens. I will learn to cope. I think. I hope.

@Bow @Emelia8 @Former-Member