Need to vent

Hi @BlueBay,

Glad to read there is some sun where you are - half your luck, it's raining at mine.

Never easy to focus on a book when your mind doesn't want to cooperate - I know the feeling. If you want to chat we are here for you.

Big hugs,

FloatingFeather

thanks @FloatingFeather

i sometimes wonder why am i not happy most of the time.

I have some good things happening now - moved house, like the house and area. bit more financial freedom, my daughter got engaged, etc. - so I should be happy.

but i still find myself in a lost way; especially with trying to find me.

i have these horrible "BPD episodes" where i want to hit someone, stop my meds, scream at my support people (not because they don't help or listen, they do)

yell so much at my mum

and then run away - to then be rescued

see this is my BPD mind which is terrible.

i don't know what to do

i am trying to keep myself busy but it's not working

and i am waking up anywhere from 4.30am - 6.00am and then can't go back to sleep.

it's exhausting.

i feel there is a deadline for me to lose my weight, yet i am not even trying. ok i did go for a 30 min walk this morning. but to me that isn't enough. but if i walk more my back hurts.

i feel so down. i had a bottle of cream in the fridge for xmas which i didn't use. so the other day i thought what can i do with that. i decided to buy a chocolate slab cake and fill it myself with cream and jam. i covered in so much in cream and then put strawberries on top. it looked amazing. i had a piece that night and felt so good while eating it, but after felt disgusted.

yesterday in my 'crazy mind state' i wanted to grab the cake and smash it on the floor.

no it's still in the fridge waiting to be eaten.

It does sound like you have some really lovely things going on at the moment @BlueBay but emotions are funny things. Just because on paper you may feel like you should be happy doesn't mean that is how you feel. Sometimes people say `I shouldn't feel this way' (for example) and I tell them your feelings are innate, you can't help how you feel.

Maybe you should be a little gentler on yourself. It is hard when you aren't getting a good solid sleep for example. I know myself when I don't sleep well my mood is quite affected.

In terms of your weight loss, is there a reason you feel like you have a deadline? Losing weight properly (from what my GP has said) takes time and can be a long and hard slog. Maybe you are putting too much pressure on yourself around this?

Unfortunately I think that for a lot of people eating and guilt go hand in hand. It's such a shame that for a lot of us (including me) the pure pleasure of eating that we often see with little kids is overturned by guilt. I try (not always successful) to stick to a good eating plan which includes a treat so that the `treat' isn't riddled with guilt but it is part of my eating plan. It sounds like you put so much effort into making your cake amazing that I think its really good that you fought your urge to smash it on the floor. It's nice that you or someone else can still enjoy it.

I know it's not always easy but when you are having those thoughts that bring you down maybe you could try to counteract them with good thoughts such as how fantastic that your daughter got engaged (for example)?

How exciting about your daughter's engagement - big congratulations to your daughter and your family 🙂

Warmest,

FloatingFeather

Hugs @BlueBay - sounds like an emotional roller coaster for you lately.

How are you today?

Oh, and how was Xmas with Little A? Everyone must've loved Nonna's place?

hi @tyme

i think i am too hard on myself

deliberately punishing myself for what i should be doing or not doing

i don't know why

xmas was nice, our daughter got engaged in the morning. her partner proposed to her and when she came over she didn't say a word until i spotted the ring. so nice. Little A was so spoilt by everyone, but its so nice to see her face light up with all the presents. She is also very excited that her mum got engaged telling the whole world!!! she can't wait for the wedding (2024) as all three little girls (his two) will be flower girls. oh i can't wait to see this day.

see - i should be happy, excited. it's like i feel i get drawn down into this hole and any happiness just seems a tiny bit of my life when it is huge.

oh yeah, not sure if you have read - had a fight with my mum on boxing day, she hung up on me before i could finish my question i wanted to ask her. i am giving up for now, but i still feel this is playing a part on my mind.

Yeah @BlueBay , sometimes, we are our own worse enemy, and do tend to punish ourselves.

I remember a therapy session i once had. My therapist asked what negative thoughts I was having towards myself. I told him. Then he said, look at your child self - or any child for that matter - would you say those cruel things to that child?

This was such a hard session because of my childhood trauma. But it made a lot of sense. If I would not say it to children, nor other adults, why should I say these nasty things to myself? e.g. you are unworthy, you are fat and ugly, you are a no-hoper, you are useless etc.

It's taken time to practice being less harsh on myself. I still do it sometimes, but definitely not to the damaging effect I used to.

I hope you find space to be kind to yourself - you deserve it.

Hello my @BlueBay 🥰

@tyme , @FloatingFeather. @Snowie

had a session with my psych yesterday.
re triggered by another memory of being touched inappropriately by a guy at primary school

i was little

I am over all these memories

why me

I cannot escape the evil touches of these horrible guys

i was naive

I was scared

I don’t know

I’m scared I’ll never be free from this

@tyme @FloatingFeather @Shaz51 @Snowie @oceangirl @Emelia8 and others around

I don’t want these memories anymore

I want them deleted from my mind

to be taken away

Hi @BlueBay

Sorry to hear that you were re triggered. It is hard when that happens to us.

Memories can come up when we least expect them.

I hope your psych was able to help a little.

Sending lots of love and strength 💌💌

Sitting with you @BlueBay - I'm really sorry to read this happened to you. It wasn't right and it wasn't okay. As much as therapy can be great unfortunately part of the process can mean rehashing triggering memories that can cause pain and stress.

Sending you hugs and understanding my friend.

FloatingFeather