Need to vent

Hi @Owlunar

I have applied for 4 jobs the past month. I received an email from one saying sorry but no. But they want to keep my resume which is good. haven't heard from others as yet.

Last night I chatted online with lifeline. They were really good. I felt I was having dark thoughts and she helped me a lot.

Have to start taking that horrible drink this afternoon for colonoscopy tomorrow.
I'm trying very hard to take one step at a time. One moment

yes I do hate my job but I'll stay until I find something else. I'm trying very hard to stsy positive but do you know I don't like that word. I hear it too often. Oh be hsppy be positive blah blah blah.
Thank you so much for your understanding. It's really hard reg my mum. I'm struggling a lot with that one.

thanks @Owlunar xxoo

Hi @BlueBay

I really don't know how many people are positive and happy all the time - I have a feeling that most of us go from day to day dealing with whatever is in front of us and we have tough times

And you have had a very tough time - and you have BPD which makes coping with stuff harder - but it's life - as is your crowded house and it will be a relief when some of your kids move on and you can just manage your own lives - I can't imagine the crowded house actually though when I was young I did - but I got out of the house whenever I could which makes a big difference

When it comes to your mother you have a choice - and it is a bleak one - a hard one to make and I do understand. But here are your choices

You can make a day by day decision to keep away from your mother and refuse to take her calls - even write to her and tell her that you are getting on with your own life and she's not part of it. You don't have to actually post a letter but many letters are written and never posted - it does help

Or - you can keep trying with your mother and be miserable for the rest of your life. That would be horrible but you do have this choice - I can't understand why you would choose that one personally because I made the other choice and several times through time I didn't have anything to do with my family for years on end - nothing - no phone calls - no cards - not letters - nothing. And it was tough but I was not miserable - I was independent - and you can be too

You are actually a very strong and smart person - it comes across clearly in your writing and you run your home no matter how bad you feel - when I was going through the dark years in my life I couldn't mop the floor and cook the dinner - I was totally useless and had many short hospitalisations so I know you are dealing with life itself better than I did when my son was alive

You can make the tough choice - it's not easy - it's actually pretty scary. I wish you the best - I am not the best writer on my phone in the middle of the night but I was thinking about you for a long time before I wrote the last post - and I have to write what I really think - I can't just be a "There - there" hand patting person -

I care a lot and can only wish you the best and I know - life can be really hard and harder for some people but we have many choices - it's just a case of seeing them and carrying them out

Many hugs

Dec

Hi everyone

@Owlunar @Maggie @Shaz51 @MDT @Emelia8 and others

I saw my cardiologist this morning. There is a procedure where an implantable loop recorder is inserted under my skin in my chest. This will record any lightheaded or fainting attacks. It will also record changes in my heart rhythm. It stays on for up to 3 years but can be taken out sooner. This will give the cardiologist a better picture of my heart.
His rooms called me and I'm booked in to have the procedure 1 feb. just another thing to have done.

im about to start drinking my horrible drinks for the colonoscopy tomorrow.

@BlueBay

In case I dont get back here in time, I wanted to wish you luck for your colonoscopy and endoscopy procedures tomorrow. Sorry to hear you now have an additional procedure to have done with the loop recorder.

Well done on the job aps you've done this month. It is a good result actually with the job you have heard back from. Clearly you were impressive enough to be kept on file for any future placements should the come up. Hopefully you will hear back from the others soon, and fingers crossed you land one of them. It will be a good thing when you are able to give up the 'basket job' you are currently doing. It is so unfair how they keep cutting back on your shifts and not enabling you to learn the registers.

I know I havent been here much for you lately, but I am reading along and listening as always.

Emelia 💞

@BlueBay I feel for you with the preparation for your procedures tomorrow.

And yet another to come in February. Hopefully, it will help provide the information they need.

Sending 💙💙

hi @Maggie @Emelia8 @Owlunar @MDT @Shaz51 and others

I'm going to cancel the procedure in February. There's too much going on. I can't handle it. There's too much

it's not an urgent serious need to have now procedure.
I'm going to speak to my GP and see what he thinks.

I need to not stress. It's hard though.
I'm feeling overwhelmed with all these procedures snd tests.

Hi everyone

@Maggie @Emelia8 @Owlunar @Shaz51 @MDT @BPDSurvivor and others following

well two procedures done ✅

the colonoscopy went well. No nasties. I'm relieved.
the gastroscopy didn't go that well. The gastroenterologist found many gastric polyps. And also mild erosive oesophagitis. he said the polyps is causing my upper stomach psin.
I came out from the anaesthetic not great. I was crying and lashing out. The anaesthesist was very good. He stayed with me until I was more awake and kept reassuring me I was ok.
my specialist came to see me snd explained things. He's contacting me on Tuesday reg results of biopsy and next step of what to do.

I have a very busy coming week. Appointments snd tests snd psych snd psychologist appointment. Something on every day.

I have a feeling that my gastroenterologist wants me to see a colleague of his in Melbourne thst does a special gastroscope for the pancreas. I'm not sure if the cyst is left there or not. That's a concern I have.

this mirning I'm feeling a bit yuk. My throat is sore because of the tube. And I'm still running to the toilet!!
going to tske it easy today.

wudhubg you all a nice day. Xxxooo

@BlueBay ,

Take care @BlueBay . You've been through so much mentally and physically. It would be good to get to the bottom of all the pain you have been feeling. Physical pain affects our mental state.

Hugs,

BPDSurvivor

Im worried about you @BlueBay after reading a few posts from you on the Worry Room thread.

Im not sure what I can say to help. But I will state categorically that you are NOT a bad person. And what happened to you as a child, and your resulting MH diagnoses, are most definitely NOT your fault.

Sending you a big caring hug ... because you are a good, lovely and worthy woman.

Can you try to take a few deep calming breaths and try to see things logically, rather than emotionally?

And please take care, because you matter to so many.

Emelia 💕

I am a good person

I do try

things get in the way

hubby being very quiet with me because of my brhsviour

I'm very irrational at the moment

need to be alone to think

I csnt make decisions like this

I can't wait to see my psych this Wednesday

@Emelia8 im Sorry to worry you. You have so much on your mind. I'm going to csll my doctor tomorrow.
@Former-Member thanks for email. I'm here but struggling.