Need to vent

Hoping someone can give us an n answer soon @Bow

@hanami @FloatingFeather @tyme

Hi @BlueBay and @Bow

Thanks for checking in. 😊

I believe the SANE online chat service is still currently down.

I just wanted to share with you both that Lifeline has a 24/7 crisis chat available to access if you really need to talk to someone online tonight.

The link to access the chat is here: https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/

Sirius✨

It’s hard to get connected to lifeline @Former-Member

thanks for letting us know.

i need to ask - I’m feeling guilty for not contacting my parents especially my dad. It’s been 10 days now of no contact. Our last conversation was when I invited them to our house for our sons farewell party tomo night. Before I could tell my mum the day and time she instantly said “no we are not coming” when I asked her why she replied “you know your fathers not well and then she said and we’re invited out)!!!!

i thought dad was not well to go out anywhere???

but today I’m feeling guilty like I should ring them. Like I’m the bad daughter who’s done wrong. My mum has said snd fine terrible things to me and I still go back. I don’t understand why??

so now she won’t see their grandson to say goodbye. I get so angry.

my emotions are everywhere tonight.
i feel I’m no good to anyone. No one wants me anymore.
there’s no life. I feel so hopeless because I’m not well mentally to go back to work. And that’s why our finances are terrible. It’s my fault.

Someone musta pressed the wrong button? Wonder if they have turned it off and back on again- usually works.

i really do not like lifeline chat. Don’t feel like a person, just another number, robotic responses, no humanness…

@BlueBay it sounds like you have a lot of circling thoughts and you're sitting with some intense feelings tonight. When I read through your message it reads as if you have questions for your mother, and for yourself? Does that sound right?

@Former-Member

My questions to my mum are

1 why did you post back your granddaughters birthday invitation and not come

2. why do you never call me

3. why am I treated different to other siblings. Is it because I was abused as a child and an embarrassment to the family

4. why did you say you’re not coming to farewell party. You don’t go anywhere so telling me you’re invited out is an excuse

5. I feel not loved anymore

questions to myself -

1. why can’t I be strong and stand up to her?

2. Why do I let her get to me so much?

3. Do I matter to anyone?
4 why do I want to sh or worse - to show them (parents) that I’m not coping and to get back at them.

they never believed me about my childhood abuse.
but I def know it’s true. It happened. And I feel I’m being punished for telling them about it.
Should have kept my mouth shut.

*Trigger warning – CSA*

Oh @BlueBay, your post here was so brave and so raw 💙 But I can also see that you've been able to outline all that is swirling around in your mind so clearly and distinctly, which is a strength that some never develop, so kudos to you for the bravery in sharing your thoughts here with us tonight.

How does it feel to write those questions out? I imagine it might bring up some pretty big feelings?

I also want to check-in with you that you're feeling safe tonight?

(For anyone reading along who may be triggered by a discussion around CSA, please take care of yourself and only engage in a manner that feels safe for you. The SANE counselling service is also open till 10:30pm tonight and can be contacted on 1800 187 263).

Ohh my sister @BlueBay

It is your mother not you

And to sh is not the way to get back at your mum xx

You are a loving daughter , mother, wife and nunno who wants a loving relationship with your own mother

Like me with my father, I felt soo guilty and tried soo hard to get my father to love me but whatever I did he kept on rejecting me

@Former-Member

I’m sorry @Former-Member i shouldn’t write about my abuse here. I don’t want anyone to get triggered. I’m sorry.

how does it feel to write those questions? I feel so hurt abandoned rejected and thrown out.

all I ever wanted was to be believed

not yelled at when I told my mum

I wanted her to put her arms around me snd let me cry

I wanted her to say sorry

I wanted my dad to hold and comfort me

I never got any of that and I’m still hurting

the emotions are strong atm

some days I wish I wasn’t here anymore

thanks @Shaz51 I feel for you too because I understand. Xxxxxx

Please don't apologise, you have nothing to apologise for. It's just part of what we do to make sure that everyone is safe. The great thing about this community is that everyone is an adult and can make the decision to read a post or pass on by if they feel it might be triggering, hence the handy trigger warning. Not a reflection on what you've written by any means.

I think those emotions are 100% valid and I don't know how anyone could feel any differently quite frankly, what you endured as a child (and subsequently as an adult) is more than a young person can bare. It makes sense that it would be coming up for you now in the way that is because you were too young to make sense of it back then. The comforting thing is that you're now an adult and that the abuse is in your past, which means you can now show yourself the love and care that was not afforded to you in childhood.

Unfortunately the emotional pain you suffer as a result of what you've (I suspect rightly) suggested is your mothers difficulty to comprehend and navigate the abuse, is a second layer of pain. None of this was your fault, none of this is your fault. I hope you can take that onboard tonight @BlueBay.