Need to vent

Hi my dear friend @BlueBay !

Missing you! Sounds like you’ve had some emotional roller coasters the past few days. I’m sorry I wasn’t around to hang with you.

I had my flu shot last Thursday, and this week, i think I’ve come down with the flu lol. There’s sick kids everywhere! And when you want to send them home, the parents say “I did a RAT and it’s not covid” 🤦🏻‍♀️ That drives me bonkers because they end up giving their coughs and runny noses to everyone else!

Enough of my venting. What happening with you tonight? Chips and pie sounds good.

BPDSurvivor

Hi @BPDSurvivor

I’ve missed you heaps too. Hope you’re not too sick.
sending loving hugs. Xxxooo

can I ask you something - if I have had a really bad thought for a split second to do something terribly bad - should I tell my dr or psych. I’m feeling like it was a thought when I was in a dissociative state.
im scared of my thoughts. They were very horrible. I can’t go into detail.

what would you do ?

Hey @BlueBay ,

Thank you for asking! I love it when you ask questions like that.

For me, I try to hold off as much as possible and gradually build up on the ‘hold off’ duration of time. At first, you may tell your pdoc every thought. But over time, you learn that these are thoughts and the longer you hold off, the more time it gives yourself to empower yourself NOT to rely on someone external for ‘answers’ or soothing.

So yes, initially I blahed every thought and action to my pdoc, but over time, I chose to refrain for increasingly longer periods of time so that I learnt to sit with whatever was uncomfortable.

The better I got at this, the more boundaries I set for myself. eg I wouldn’t not let myself contact my pdoc outside appointment times. Knowing my appointment was weekly/fortnightly, I wrote down what I wanted to discuss in between sessions. This was a boundary I set for myself in order to grow less reliant on outside services.

For me, recovery was about working towards independence even though my needy emotional BPD self wanted a ‘carer’ and someone to latch onto.

Hope this sort of makes sense.

BPDSurvivor

@BlueBay These kinds of thoughts are actually super normal. I think it's our brain's way of exploring every possible outcome, which can sometimes be a bit stressful! But we all have them, sometimes people call them 'dark thoughts'. For me, a game changer in dealing with dark thoughts was when someone told me that having the thought was not a reflection of who I am - it was how I responded to it that mattered most. So if, in having this thought, you were filled with fear or repulsion because you think 'how could something like this cross my mind' then that is the true reflection of what sort of person you are. Hope this helps 💜

Thanks @Jynx @BPDSurvivor i understand what you both are saying.
i guess I need to work out is it worth telling my psych or not.
i know I wouldn’t do what my dark thought was but then there’s a tiny bit of curiosity saying “gee what if I did do that”

Hey @BlueBay ,

Don’t don’t get me wrong though. Sometimes it’s good to share your thoughts with a pdoc with the purpose of ‘deconstructing’ the thought?

So for me, if choose the thoughts I share if I want another perspective, and I hold into the thoughts which I want to personally decipher and grow with.

There’s no clear yea or nay.

Hugs tonight,

BPDSurvivor

I understand @BPDSurvivor

I saw my doctor today and he thinks my bladder issues could be a side effect from one of my meds.
so I will need to cut back on meds to see if I stop getting up to the loo

fingers crossed 🤞

I also received a call from my psych but I couldn’t talk as I was at the doctors. She’s made an appt for 8am this Thursday. Very kind of her as she knows I’m struggling.

had an afternoon nap because I’m so tired waking up every night. Maybe that’s contributing to me being emotional.

while my psych is on leave my doctor is very happy to see me.

spag bol fir dinner tonight. It’s freezing outside.

hi lovely friends @Jynx @Shaz51 @tyme @hanami @Emelia8 @Snowie

@Eve7 @MDT

and others

Hey there @BlueBay

It was good to see your update. You seem a little more positive today with knowing of your upcoming appt. Freezing here too! I'll be having a curry for dinner. Stay warm,

hanami 💮

hi @hanami
I’m glad that I’m listened and believed by my support people

I’m still not good mentally because of my very bad negative thoughts and things I want to do

I think I may have to tell my psych on Thursday - as a protection thing so she knows

I just want a good night sleep with NO interruptions.

Another disruptive night

mortgage rate has just been announced gone up

Petrol is so expensive

food fruit and veggies prices are crazy

im not sure I will cope with this

can’t afford much food anymore

trying to sell our home is so hard now

been on market since March snd not one offer

I feel like giving up on everything

Life seems very bleak

there’s no positives at the moment