Need to vent

You are doing really well @BlueBay , you just dont see it whilst feeling overwhelmed by everything happening around you lately. I wish you every success with all of your job applications ... something will come up I'm sure. Your current work place does not sound like a happy place to be in at all, such a shame about the toxic supervisor.

I will reiterate once more @BlueBay , because I think its important that you know this ... you do deserve support. And there is no way in the world that I am 'sick of you' writing negative stuff or venting. So no apologies are needed. If I havent been on here as much lately, its because I have been pretty quiet of late. Just to do with my own personal situation, and nothing whatsoever to do with you ranting. You have a right to rant and rave ... you have been dealt a pretty poor set of cards in life. And I know from personal experience that it helps to unload.

I will take this opportunity to wish you and yours a very merry christmas. I truly hope its a special day for you and your family. I'm positive it will be for little A, as it should be for our little ones. And that in itself, will help to make the day special for you too.

Sending much love your way.

Emelia 🍒🎄💕

Thank you lots @Emelia8

I really appreciate your replies and support. I totally understand that you have so much on your plate and that you're not on here all the time. It's tough and I really feel for you.

Thanks for your encouragement reg job applications.

wishing you a Merry Christmas my lovely friend 🎄😘❤️

Does anyone know if the online chat is on tonight??

@Former-Member

needed to chst

this time of year is really hard

triggers memories tears sadness

Hey there @BlueBay So sorry to hear you're having a tough night and unable to get through to our help centre. If the chat is unavailable it means the counsellors are tied up in other calls/chats. You can keep trying and hopefully get through before 10pm. If you need some immediate support I encourage you to try chat on Suicide Call Back Service or Lifeline.

Take good care,

Sphinxly 🐣

@Emelia8 @MDT @Owlunar @Maggie @Shaz51 @BPDSurvivor and others

I'm sorry everyone but this is a really angry and hurtful vent -

how many f...ng times do I get hurt rejected thrown out and yet I go for more ........

Why do I go for more rejection. Once is bad enough

I called my parents to say we will come over this afternoon to give their presents. Her answer "no better you don't dads not well he needs to rest this afternoon "

how dumb does she think I am ???

She uses dad health as an excuse. All the bloody time. Ok he has health issues but he is ok.

dads ok I know that I spoke to him Christmas Day. It's her and her f...ng excuses.
Then she says "better you come in the mornings". No. I'm NOT changing my plans for you. No way and not snymire mire. I told her we can't because we have a few things on. I'm not running to her whenever it suits her.

my body is sngry so bloody angry.
she can wait now for a day thst suits me.

im over her f...ng excuses. Why me? All the time it's me. She does it to me ALL the time.

im hurting. Another f...ng rehdctukn.

triggered now to before when I walked out of their home.

I hate her so much.
I'm hurting. I'm crying. Bloody husband has no idea how painful this is. He doesn't want me to cry. I'll cry if I want to.
my throat is choking eith tears.

im over. I'm going out to the park with little A.

why does she do this? I'm the only one that she does this too.

U really want to SH. She gets me to that point where I coukd do anything right now.

we were only going for an hour Is one hour too much to ask?

😢😢😡😡

Sending you hugs my sister @BlueBay

I understand as my aunty ( mum's youngest sister) put on the internet that she went to the beach which is only 20 minutes away and could not drop in to see her sister ( my mum )

I don't want to tell mum and upset her,

But my cousins and my other aunty's are so upset

I know it is very hard but don't let her get to you

@Emelia8 , @MDT , @Owlunar , @Faith-and-Hope

Hi @BlueBay

I really do understand how much this hurts and you have a right to be upset and angry about it

I have been there and got the T-shirt and used the T-shirt to mop the floor I think - I really know how you mother's hateful behaviour hurts - I so do

I know you want to see your Dad - I have been through that too - I only got to see Dad without my mother when he was dying in hospital and he wasn't suffering a whole lot - so you might get this chance too - so hold onto that idea

But your mother isn't worth it and you know you will be hurt and angry so why do you keep going there for more of the same? - I know you are trying to be a good person about this - I understand - but she is toxic like my mother

I walked out on my mother - and heard nothing for well over two years and I kept writing little notes telling her I would like to see her if she wanted to see me and nothing - 2.5 years of silence - and when she was dying my sister tried to hang a guilt trip on me - I mentioned the letters and my sister had read them but - like - where was her duty of care? My mum was so unhappy before she died - yet she asked for what she got - I feel really honest and clean about what happened - I had to look after myself and so do you

So - yes - you can vent and we are not sick of it - if we were we would not read what you wrote and not answer it - so go right ahead and vent

But for you own sake dump your mother - and for your own sake - write to your father - sure she might get to the mail before him but at least you are doing something positive and it's the best you can do - your father is making his choices too - by not reaching out to you.

And it's definitely not your fault

About your black-and-white thinking - and your GP saying you were born that way - actually that's possible - you were very premature - 10 weeks is a quarter of the time of gestation - your brain might have deficiencies. So yes - that is a problem but I am sure that with the right therapy you could learn to overcome that - it's something to discuss with your team -

I really understand about your wanting what can never be yours - like your mother being a supporting person - so similar to my story there - and with your negative brain - my son was similar - and I saw him struggle with that - I was too ignorant at the time but we can only use what we have - I honestly believe he had a birth disorder too - time might have helped him overcome those urges too - but I will never know

And yes - you do help me understand him better - again - there is nothing I can change but I loved him - he was never less-than to me

I really care and wish I could change things for you but I can't - we can only change our lives

And would you believe the fuss I caused when I changed my name! We do have the right to change somethings in our lives - and we can

I am here for you

Dec

Thanks @Owlunar

I wrote a reply earlier but somehow lost it before I posted it.

Thsnks for your support sbd understanding

I'm sad. Sad for the fsmily I have thst don't want a connection. A mum that doesn't want me. It hurts.
I know you understsbd Whst I'm going through because you've been there. And in m sorry your mum didn't treat you nicely

it just sucks.

I had some friends over tiday for drinks which as nuce. Littke A was the entertainer showing what she got for Christmas. My friend is a prep teacher so she had fun with A.

snyway I know I need to not let this get to me. But when my mind is quiet and I stop it comes to my mind how much my mother treats me badly sbd so unfairly.

I told hubby to be quiet this morning. Because I started to cry and his response was "oh now you're crying stop". I yelled and said no I'm upset because she (mum) does this to me all the time. She doesn't reject my other siblings. Oh no just ne. I then walked off snd he knew to just leave me alone.

what I wish for snd what I get are two different things from my mum.

It still hurts. I am sad 😢

I love your support and thst you care so much @Owlunar I'm really grateful.

I had a cry while having a shower. It's just not fair.

at times today when I was so angry I wanted to self harm

don't ask me why ? I just did.
@Shaz51 @Emelia8 @MDT @Maggie @BPDSurvivor