Need to vent

Morning my friends @Emelia8 @Shaz51

last night I was thinking emotionally znd not rationally.
I'm now ok with my decision in applying. Even though it's full time which I really didn't want but I'll keep my options open. Thsnks to both of you for your support. ❤️❤️

seeing a gyno this morning then getting my hair coloured znd trimmed. I did hsvr short hair start of the year but now it's grown just past my ears. I'm going to cut it into a bob.

have a nice day xxoo

@BlueBay, I can tell it took a lot of courage, noy only to post this but to apply for this position- well done! I know you've mentioned you're felling a little better now, and I'm really glad, but just thought I'd mention in relation to what you posted earlier, as far as them 'seeing what kind of person you are', I'm sure they'll see the sensitive and caring person we know. To my mind, having a mental illness could potentially be an asset for a receptionist in a psych office- if you've been through going to a psychologist for example, and someone comes in for the first time really nervous, you'd be able to relate. Mental illness doesn't have to be a bad thing- it can be a strength too. If it feels hard or scary, remember that. 😊 All the best with it though. I hope it goes well!

It did take a lot of courage to write it on here, you're right @TideisTurning

Just an update on todays appointmnent with gyno - I was very anxious going on, but the minute i sat down he was so nice. Very genuine, caring and also understood mental health and my anxiety over my health. He read over the referral from my GP and then did an examination. He explained that fibroids are not cancerous and that i would most likely not need a hysterectomy!! He explained that normally they do shrink but in some cases they don't. He has ordered another ultrasound just in case something else was missed. He will call me when he receives the results. He reassured me that I don't need surgery because it can cause risks. He alleviated my anxiety so much. I walked out and phoned the ultrasound clinic and made appointment. The earliest is mid January, which is ok.

The other issues is my - spaced out feeling; lightheadedness and not feeling great. I called my GP this morning and mentioned that I am not well. I feel that i am walking on a cloud; i feel so spaced out and think it may be the new AD that the cardiologist prescribed. This med is not a common one nowadays; it used to be used many many years ago; but was prescribed to help with the laughing/fainting as it does something with the electricals.

My GP is concerned that my blood pressure is dropping too much. He said to call him this afternoon and let him know about gyno appointment and we'll discuss my issue.

I am now feeling a lot better knowing i don't need surgery or even anytime off work to recover. Of course if things changed then I would need surgery. But for now - no.

Looking back to the past few weeks I have catastrophised so much about having surgery etc. i made myself so stressed with anxiety and the not knowing. I hate doing this to myself. I need to step back and not stress or worry so much.

thank you so much my friends for supporting me. i feel that i don't deserve the support, that i am on here to 'complain, whinge etc' about my health. it's juist that i don't have anyone else to talk to or vent to.

@Emelia8 @Shaz51 @MDT @Owlunar @Faith-and-Hope @Maggie and others following 🙂

Hugs my sister @BlueBay ♥️♥️♥️

Totally understand @BlueBay ... and its all okay. Very relieved for you that surgery is not likely to be necessary. You can now breathe a sigh of relief and start thinking about a new job. 😄🍀👍💞

Emelia 🍒🎄

@BlueBay 💙💙💙

Hi @BlueBay

It's okay for you to vent on this thread - you started it and say in the title that you need to vent - so go right ahead

And as much as anyone else you do deserve to get the support from the other members - we do understand - we are all fragile at times - just reading the forum as I do most days I get a picture of really good peoplw who have been tossed around by life - truly - I wonder how many people there are who always feel great. And actually - I would get pretty sick of having someone count their blessings in my presence - actually the only think I would hate more is someoe trying to get me to count mine

I am a glass-half-empty pessimist and this suits me - I can see the amount left in the glass and plan to make it laugh - and if I think something could fail I do my best and get surprises when it al works out - I like my take on life - and yes - the unexpected happens and luckily I have learned to be resilient and cope with it

And I do know that BPD is one of the tough disorders and your emotions are all over the place at times and this is your lot in life - how great if it would go away - still - we all do what we can - what we can't we deal with in due course and you will be okay - you can vent here all you want - and yes - you are informing me about my son and if one person is helped - that's cool but what you dont know that other people must learn something too - maybe they just don't post or maybe they are guests -

Anyway - if you want a full-time job then go ahead and get an interview and watch the cookie and see where it falls - you might get it or maybe not - and I don't think you have to tell your possible new employers that you have BPD - it's really just a label after all - and I do recollect that you worked full-time just over a year ago at the pharmacy and it went okay - and it was good -

However - if you don't want to work full time then either do what someone else suggested and talk about job-sharing -

You have the right to be happy - I often wonder why some people think they don;t have the right to be happy - it must be a lonely life-style thinking that - but you are not less than - you have a right to be here - we all do

So - to build your confidence you need to try things - and hopefully the COVID issue will be less of a problem with the vaccines being produced and for one I will encourage you to get a better job and see what happens, I will have your back and I really know the way things are when you are looking for work - so try

You can only do your best - that's all anyone can do - but you seem scared and there is no need to be

All the best

Dec

Thanks @Owlunar for always being here for me. I feel that sometimes I deserve no one to support me because I rant and rave so much. And i also feel that people on here are pretty much 'sick of me' writing so much negtive stuff. I am sorry if this is the case, but it's me.

I'm not good this morning. i have been very very emotional, my moods so up and very very down. And when they're down i am in a constant struggle with them. it's like one part of my brain is positive and the other half is negative. and at the moment the negative part is pushing away the positive side. It's a constant battle and i am getting very tired of it. so what do i do?? wish i knew. all i can do is keep going, keep fighting these battles within me. like my doctor says i was born like this (which i find hard to believe or understand) and i need to accept this is who i am. but for me it's very very hard to accept this. i don't know why.

i saw my doctor this morning and while waiting in the waiting room there was some cheery christmas music playing. i broke down and started to cry. something little like a nice song triggered me into a mess. one of the receptionist who is so lovely and understanding of my mental health issues, came over to give me a xmas card from the clinic. she gave me a big hug and said things will be okay. that made me cry even more. damn crying that's all i seem to be doing lately.

My doctor called me in and we spoke about the past few weeks - hospital admissions, my mood, changing meds, work, family, parents. he told me he was very sorry about my parents being the way they are, especially my mum. and he also said i have had a tough few weeks. maybe this is everything just hitting me now. i am not sure.

I actually told my doctor this morning that little A is keeping me here, she is the one that makes me laugh, smile and play. if it wasn't for her - well i am not sure where i would be right now?

acceptance of myself - i am struggling with this. i don't know how to accept my disorder, my mental health and the way my BPD behaviour and traits attach to me so quickly and very strongly.

I am going to write out 3 things i am grateful for each day in my journal and a 'to do list' daily. this will keep me busy and i can tick them off as i go. but the issue with me is i know - that if i don't complete something i AM NOT to get angry with myself for not finishing. that's my problem. in my head i need to finish all and i need to find answers for why i am feeling the way i am; or fix why my parents are the way they are; i need to fix everything. but like my doctor said 'just let it go, you can't fix everything; give your mind a rest'. it is going into overdrive trying to fix everything.

he is so right. My doctor wants to see me after christmas (next thursday) to see how i am going especially with the new AD med. i need to be careful when getting up from bed so i don't get too dizzy and fall. i am aware so i take it slowly. hubby's last day at work today, he is taking a week off work.

i am back at work on monday next week but i really don't want to go. i hate the supervisor. She wrote on Facebook work page a horrible message to all her staff about taking time off at this time of year. and if your'e sick, bad luck you need to come to work. i was very angry when i read this post. I showed it to my doctor and he wasn't impressed. he said her communication skills are disgusting and she should not be writing things like this on social media. It's left me feeling terrible, i have a feeling she doesn't believe me that i have been sick. I feel like sending the post to higher management. a lot of girls don't like her and some have left becasue of her. i have only been there for 6 months and i can see a lot of negativity from her and she is very clicky with her relatives that work for her. she is two faced. she can be so sweet and nice in front but then stab you in the back the next minute. i told my doctor i don't want to go back on Monday but he has urged me to go and see how it is. it's only a 4 hour shift which is okay, but i still not sure to go.

i left the clinic still a mess and went home to pick up my D and A. we went to local fruit shop and bought some fresh fruit and salads for tomorrow. the car park was ridiculous, i am so glad i am home now. my D and A are making cookies for Santa, so A can leave them for him. She is so excited, you should see her face. at the shops she was sitting in the trolley singing christmas songs!!! Such a cutie.

This afternoon i will go for a walk and take A to the park. Tonight i will make a choc ripple cake; marinate the lamb and organise a few little things for the table and then i am done. i know that tomorrow will be a good day for me; i know i will laugh and smile and enjoy the day. it's just the negative parts want to still creep in and tell me about my bloody mum and all the horrible stuff i have had to go through. i can't let that destroy my day tomorrow. See now i am teary again. bloody emotions.

I've now applied for 3 new jobs. One is at a medical clinic that i used to go to 10 years ago. It's reception work 3 days a week which would suit me fine. I do know some of the girls there, so i am hoping that they remember my name when they saw my application!!! The other 2 jobs are at psychology clinics - one is casual and the other is full time.

So again i need to not let my negative head tell me i am no good.

i know i am a good worker, a nice person, a caring and empathic person. But we will see what happens with the jobs.

I know i lack a lot in confidence; i doubt myself so much all the time. I wish i had someone like a nice mum who would help boost my confidence. It's so hard at times.

I better go, i need to finish sweeping the floor that i half started this morning. The sun is out and i have just put a load of washing on; time to get changed and take A for a walk.

I will chat with you later. I hope you are doing okay. What are you doing for Christmas - are yoiu going to your daughter's house?

Hi to everyone @Maggie @MDT @Emelia8 @Shaz51 thinking of you all my beautiful friends xxxooo