Need to vent

Awwww @BlueBay ... please dont say that. You have family and friends who love you dearly and would be devastated if you were not here anymore. And you have many friends here on the forums who care and admire you so much. We all want the best for you. Hang in there, life has a way of sorting itself out. Sending you much love and a big hug. 💞😔

Emelia

Hi @BlueBay sorry you are feeling this way today. It's good that you are reaching out and you know you have support on this forum.

As a reminder, if you're concerned about your safety, you can reach out to Lifeline 13 11 14 or Suicide Callback Service 1300 659 467

Take good care of yourself today and please do reach out for support 🌻

We would miss you @BlueBay -

You know you always have a lot of ups and downs when life is uncertain - it's not somethin you have much control over but you can ride it out and you are an important person to us - to your husband and kids and little A -

Don't count on your mother - she is a moveable feast and not someone you can rely on - unless it's to make you unhappy. She's not worth it - you are a far better person than she is. I wish you could see how life and what it has dealt you isn't fair but it's life and we all have stuff -

I actually prefer the devil I know - and I know BPD is a shit of a disorder - one of the toughest to deal with I have read - and we know that - or we are learning about it

Truly - you can't know - but I have learned to understand so much about my son reading what you have written here - and I am not likely to read that in any of the informative literature I have been reading about the subject. No wonder he was so unhappy. He had his own personal black cloud - or it seemed that way - do you feel as if you have a black cloud that follows you around?

I have found tough times easier to deal with when I have personalised them - like my son's black cloud. I have called my back pain The X-files pain - not recently I will admit but in the past - my pain specialist has really helped me with that

Sending my best BlueBay - and hope today is better - you had a good day on Saturday I was pleased to read

Dec

Hi @BlueBay, I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling at the moment. We're here with you as you ride out this wave, though I'd strongly encourage you to reach out for more support from one of the options Good Karma has posted above if these feelings start to become too distressing for you. Hoping for calmer seas ahead and wishing you strength to get through.

Hi @TideisTurning @Owlunar @goodkarma @Emelia8

I'm ok and safe for now. I'm so emotional but it's all inside. I think when I see my dictir after it will all come out.
I want to stop these new meds. They're not good. I don't feel right.
try to fix ive thing (laughing fainting) and it stuffs up my emotions and mood. I hate it.

I've got the gyno appt on wed mirning then getting my hair done in afternoon.
tiday is home nothing much. I should try to get motivated snd go for a walk.

@Owlunar I'm glad that my writing helped you understand your son better. Sometimes I think I write too much. Other times I don't really kniw why I write.

at the moment my house is like a tornado has hit it with toys snd shit everywhere. I get sngry because I can see the mess why can't others or even my dsughter.
I get angry.

it's such a crazy time snd I think I'm still dealing rith my physical illness. Last night I had pains agsin. I know my stomach isn't right.

This new generation of raising children is doing my head in 😞

I need an escape

I need to go

i can't handle anything; far out screaming, crying

i think i will go outside

Aw @BlueBay

It's still your house and you have some rights when it comes to the toys everywhere.

I understand you have an open-plan house but your daughter and her daughter have to know a very firm rule - toys in one room only and little people have to learn to pick up and put away

I can almost hear @Faith-and-Hope talking about washing baskets - such a good idea - a neat basket in the corner of each play area and A needs to pick her toys up and put them away when she isn't playing with them. I'm sure a three year old can manage that -

A quiet word with your daughter when you are not feeling emotional is a good idea - A doesn't need to have every toy she has all over the floor - I really understand that one - I am trying to remember what I did when my kids were young - I think they were allowed to do whatever in their bedroom but not in MY LOUNGE ROOM and by the time they were three they were expected to help tidy each evening

With a bit of luck A will be going to 3 y o kinder next year and she will be expected to pick up and put away - this will help but still - she is old enough to learn to be a bit tidier

It's not at all easy - she is your grand-daughter after all - so some of this is up to your daughter

Dec

hi @Owlunar
I'm sorry I vented too much yesterday.
I think I'm feeling so low and had enough from the hospital stays asb Hiw I'm feeling. Just over sll these different doctors. I can't wait to see this gyno tomorrow morning. So grateful I can see him so soon.
Rainy day here so I think I will pick up my knitting. My D is picking up one more present for Ayla. She and A are going to make Christmas star biscuits. Ayla loves to help.
oh my sister became a nonna agsin to a beautiful little girl born last Sunday.
I went out yesterday snd bought lots of littke things and clothes sbd a white basket. A hamper of bsby goodies. We will see them in a few weeks. Going to let them settle at home and Christmas is over. Csnt wait for a cuddle.

Saw my doctor yesterday and he wants me to stay on new AD meds for a few more weeks and then review. I feel they're not good for me. I think the previous ones had less dude effects. I'm getting too exhausted as the day goes on. Had to have an afternoon nap. Then straight after dinner another little nap. I'm waking up tired. My BP was good when my doctor checked it. It's crazy how it can drop low sll of a sudden.

I've told my D thst she needs to box awsy some old toys because with her new toys for Xmas it will be more crazy.

on the job front - a girl is leaving sbd msg me to see if I was interested in extra hours. I said yes so she had to ring our supervisor to let her know. Her response was that she has me doing two 4 hiur shifts and no. 😡

when this girl msg back I was really angry.
I want to learn the registers. I need extra hours (15 a week) so I can get centrelink off my bsvk for looking for extra work.

I'm angry really angry. So many young girls don't want to work. The amount of posts I see on Facebook requesting shifts is ridiculous. And here's me who is willing but they refuse to train me.
if this continues into new year I will need to leave and get a new job. It's really affecting my mentsl health. it's not fair. The supervisor is shit. No empathy fir anyone who's in sick leave.
Hi 🙋‍♀️ @Emelia8 @Shaz51 @MDT @Maggie and others reading

I applied for a job today - but now I think I should not applied.
I'm not sure I can do it. Even if I got it. First have to get an interview.
receptionist job at a psychologist rooms.
they will most likely work out what kind of a person I am snd thst I have a mental illness. All the questions they ask at interviews.
I don't have experience working in this field but hsve years working as a receptionist or admin work.
and it's full time. I really don't think I could do it.
I don't know now. Shouldn't hsve applied.
@MDT @Owlunar @TideisTurning @Emelia8 @Maggie @Shaz51