Need to vent

Hi @BlueBay

I would recommend trying to give your mum a lower priority in your life, and in your mind ..... when you catch yourself ruminating about her, what she has said, what she has done, what she has not said or done that you would expect a living mother to do, remind yourself that she is just your mother, not a living mother, and not capable of being a living mother.

giving birth to a chikd is only step one in terms of being a mother ...... there are many more steps after that that you need to be responsible for, including nurturing that child. Your mother doesn't meet the criteria for being a living mother, so you have the choice about how you respond to that.

If she is a transactional person, which means she performs her relationships like a duty and only gives according to what she wants, or what she can get in return, I find being quite clinical and businesslike is the only way I can manage to keep those people in my life. You sort of have to remain emotionally as removed as you can, because you will just get hurt if you don't. They are unable to change. They can't be the person we would like them to be.

I know it's a very painful thing to come to terms with, and I have had to come to terms with it in my own life, but I hope it helps to hear this from someone else who has been through it too ...... my life experiences have been very different to yours, but my experience with family members like your mum have been the same.

Hugs 💙🐚💞

Hi @BlueBay

You have had so much going on - no wonder you are upset about your mother adding fuel to the fire.

You know - I will be here waiting to cheer you on and have your back the day that you walk out on your mother - you can't change her - you know that - but you still keep trying with her - and I went through so much similar crap with my mother - one day I turned and told her I'd had enough and this was the last day and left and never went back to the Aged Care Facility where she was -

And yes - that was so hard but I couldn't risk my own health dancing on her moods and really neither can you will your mother

So - what can you say for yourself. Sometimes just having a few comments stored up in your mind never to be used can be helpful - think about - "Yes Mum - I'm pretty busy and I might have a few hours free next Christmas - so can I write a date for December 2021?"

Your Mum is a control freak and I have a strong feeling that she isn't at all a happy person - and I know it hurts but she doesn't see that being a loving person is her role in life - and she is missing out on a lot

It's really hard - I know this - and I missed my Dad for years too - and it was his choice to let my mother run her circus which was dysfunctional - and he missed out too - and people choose their own passage through life and will eventually have to take the consequences

Dr Phil says - "When you choose the behaviour you choose the consequences" - as tough as that is

I get it - I hear you - the best thing is not to interact with her - take her power for yourself and love your kids and A - there is profit for your heart there - nothing with your mother - she will only draw on your emotions which might give her a feeling of power which is not a sustainable state -

But you are free to vent here and you can go on doing it - you are having a bitch of a time right now and it's Christmas

I still don't feel Christmassy - I guess the weather isn't really giving us the love yet and the coronavirus is ramping up in New South Wales and you have surgical procedures ahead -

I wish you the best with your medical issues - hopefully your health both physical and mental will improve - and that will be good

I think I have said this before - we need a licence to drive a motor vehicle or go fishing, a certificate to be married or be in certainn professions. When I was young we even needed a licence to have a radio - and sanctions are everywhere in society.

But any woman physically able can have a baby and - yes - she "should" be able to express love toward that baby but your mother doesn't - and it is her loss

All the best again BlueBay - let your heart ease - you do have a great family at home

Dec

Thsnks @MDT its a tough one with reg to my mum

thank A lot @Owlunar @Faith-and-Hope for your replies.
Reading both your responses made me wonder if my mum didn't bond with me as a newborn. I was born 10 weeks early znd dad would bring in mums breast milk. Mum didn't come in mych. Thsts probably hiw it was back then.

im very tired. I'll be bsvk. Xxx

I don't know about your mother @BlueBay

But my daughter was 4 weeks early and taken into the city to the Special Nurseries in another hospital and was one of the first babies in Australia. to have phototherapy

I bonded with her straight away and although it was several days before I was discharged from hospital myself I went and saw her as often as I could - I had dried up my milk though - my doctor thought that would be easier - I think it was

Still my mother was not at all interested in looking after my son when I went into the hospital to see my daughter I could only go in during the evening and at weekends - and I did

And she is wonderful and she knew us when we finally brought her home and my milk came back but she couldn't manage the breast - she had trouble sucking the bottle too - she was very frail

So - that was not the way things were back then - personally I think your mother was traumatised by the early birth - which is a hard thing to face - and withdrew and just never bonded.

But it was her choice to fail to develop a relationship with you - it's not your fault

It's just one of those things - 'it happens - as they say. You can't make her be nice to her - and it is easy to say stop trying. Premmie babies are difficult - and people take it differently - but I have to say firmly that it's not the way it was back then - it was your mother's way - she had issues - but she has missed so much

I'm so sorry it worked out that way

Dec

Hi @Faith-and-Hope

im not sure I thanked you for your reply.

I do understand what you're saying about giving less thought about my mum.
it's really hard. Because as soon as something is said or done she gets to me. It's instant.

You're right my mum gave birth to me and I was 10 weeks early. Wry lucky to be alive. She didn't bond with me.
she wants everything her way or no way

I'm reading your post eith tears because I think part of me knows she won't chsnge now. She never did before. And it's very painful. Because I wanted a mother who could give unconditional love support and care to her children.

I bet she has my brother for Christmas lunch. She's having my sister on Sunday but I couldn't go today.
I feel like I'm pushed aside, not cared about, maybe not even loved. it feels like I'm second best. Not treated equally.

I have a fantastic close relationship with my daughter and of course littke A. I will always put my three kids first. I will support them and love them always. I will not do what my mother has and is still doing.

You know I get really jealous when I see my friends really close with their mums. I wish I had that.
It's not going to happen.

Her coldness has made you a stronger, more powerful Mum @BlueBay ..... her weakness has become your strength Hon ❣️

It is hard when significant people in your life are not capable of the love you need, which you freely give to others. I hear you ..... I am leaving my cold-hearted betrayer behind me.

💜💞💙🐚🌷

Life is difficult

it has it's good points

and then the bad parts

be hsppy be positive

they all say

Dont worry

let go

Decisions are hard

I don't know what to do snymire

about anything

got so much on my mind

I just can't think

I wish I could chat online but it's busy

I think I know who you mean @Faith-and-Hope

i wish you so much happiness

you deserve it ❤️❤️

It just hurts to the very core

my heart aches because of my dad

at times I don't feel strong

I've decided I'm not going to csll her now until Christmas Day. Then I will say that well visit on Boxing Day. Will see what she says. If she says no again - I don't know what I'll do. Part of me wants to yell at her. Have a go at her.
but you know it's my dad that's in the middle.
Snd that hurts more - the thought of not seeing him because of her.

Not a good night

screaming and kicking in my sleep

feeling like I'm no longer loved

I need to go for a walk to calm mysekf down

I'm everywhere with my emotions

everything looks dark

hi @Faith-and-Hope @Owlunar @MDT @Emelia8 @Judi9877 @Shaz51 @Maggie and others

Been sleeping and laying down

i feel very "spaced out"

my blood pressure is too low

I'm drinking lots of fluids

have to see my doctor Monday afternoon

he thinks it's a side effect from my meds cardiologist gave me

Feeling very weird

not good at all