Need to vent

Thanks @BlueBay @Former-Member ... Yes oncologist apt went okay. See her again in May. I have got an ultrasound apt on Thursday to check on some lymph nodes which were enlarged on my previous test.

Sitting with you @Emelia8 . Hope all goes well. The waiting game can be so isolating. We are here for you.

My sincere apologies @BlueBay . My earlier posts failed to check-in with you to see how you are feeling re COVID. When does your isolation period finish? Are you managing to fill up your time with resting and things you enjoy?

That’s ok @BPDSurvivor no need to apologise it’s fine.
well I’m better. although still a bit tired. No more isolation. Came out of iso yesterday. It’s interesting because my two boys didn’t get it. They tested negative.

Had a phone session with my psychologist this afternoon. It was difficult as we discussed my mum and her behaviour towards me.
he was shocked at her sending back the invitation. He can’t understand why. After talking to him he suggested me writing a letter to my mum but not posting. Just by writing it will help take it away from my mind.

he also said that what she is doing is abandonment in saying I can’t go over. I feel like I’m been punished by her.

I feel deflated sad angry and a little emotional. I know I have a lot of work to do in relation to a toxic narcissistic mother.

@BPDSurvivor @Emelia8 @Former-Member @Owlunar @Shaz51 and others following -

Hugs my sister xoxo @BlueBay and sitting with you xxx

How do you work out what your life goals are?

I don’t t know who I am sometimes let alone goals.

trying to work out why I’m been punished

I can never stick to anything

DBT seems challenging

I try to be the best wife mom and grandma I can I really do

I just don’t get it

some days I wish I wasn’t here

nothing gets easier

it just changes

im on a vicious cycle

st the moment I’m in that “bad mood moment”

where things pop in my head of what to do

nothing makes sense anymore

@Shaz51 @BPDSurvivor @Emelia8 @Owlunar @Jynx I feel I want to rip shreds into something or someone

what is wrong with me @Jynx 😥

I’m hearing you @BlueBay .

At this point in time, I think as much as I wish there were clear cut answers, it’s OKAY to just “not know”.

When the emotional brain is in charge, sometimes it is hard to make decisions and find unbiased answers.

When you feel up to it (not tonight), I invite you to re-read your last post and really challenge some of the core beliefs that have been presented - are you really being “punished”? Is it right to say NOTHING gets easier?

Im in no way seeking answers from you for any of these questions. I just find this a really valuable task and a proactive approach to dealing with big feelings and big situations.

Hugs, BPDSurvivor. I’m sitting with you.

@BlueBay I personally don't think you need to have big, grand, important life goals. I think it's okay to just... laugh, hang out with family, eat good food, do lots of art, play in nature, and just bask in the sun and the rain and then die whenever it's time. And to be honest, I'm not sure anyone ever truly knows who they are, not really. If we were static and unchanging in our identities, there'd be no room for learning, growth, experiences. So if you can't stick to one thing then don't. You're allowed to try a hundred different things and dislike all of them. Because then you will have learned about yourself!

If you feel you want to rip something to shreds then do so. Maybe even take some paper, write out all the yucky feelings of your bad mood, then tear it up into tiny little pieces of sadness confetti and throw it in the air!

Hey @BlueBay think I’m probably where your at too. I have no clue who I am…. And I certainly don’t have any life goals really other than to simple survive each day at the moment. Thinking about the future just feels too overwhelming for me. My psychologist bought up a number of 5yr goals that I briefly mentioned to her at the beginning of seeing her again yesterday. I actually hate it when she brings them up, cause they just feel so unattainable. Getting through each day… even each hours is sometimes all I can manage.

i have them bad mood moments too. I get in that I don’t care, defiant mood. It’s pretty shitty really and can feel scary at times.

can you rip some paper up? My psychologist has actually given me paper to rip in sessions before. Helped to ground me and bring me back to the now. It actually felt good.

hi @BPDSurvivor

i have read my post again and where i wrote 'i have been punished'

is something i keep thinking in my head about my mum punishing me for talking about my childhood abuse

'nothing gets easier' - i wrote that because it feels to me that there's always challenges. and it seems hard all the time.

but when i think - it's not hard all the time. some days i have achieved more than i had wanted to which is a good thing.

i can see i do write a lot of black and white. it's not until later that i can see that.

today i wrote a letter to my mum and emailed my psych. the letter won't get posted but it is done in the hope that it can help me get it all out on paper.

i saw my doctor this morning and he just can't understand my mum. i guess i am trying to let it all go but it is damn hard.

@Bow @Jynx @Shaz51 @Emelia8 @Owlunar