Need to vent

hi @Former-Member @Former-Member @Shaz51 @BPDSurvivor @Emelia8 @Owlunar @oceangirl and others I’ve forgotten

not a good night, still stuffy and headache

Having a full on conversation & fight with my mum “in my head”

Im yelling at her

asking her to put dad on the phone

then screaming at him saying “did you know mum sent back the invitation “

im having it out with mum full on argument

in my head it’s all planned out what I say to her

you are in reality she is waiting for me to “ask her why she posted it back “ so then she can start a fight. This is her bait waiting for me to bite.

as much as I so want to have a go at her - I’m sitting back snd not giving her any ammunition - for now. She is manipulative and childish in posting it back to my daughter.

my daughter invited whoever she wanted to. It’s her birthday not mums. Snd if my younger sister wasn’t invited then so be it. My mum has no right to do what she did. She is clearly sticking up for my younger sister

so as my daughter told me - mum we are the better people so let’s not retaliate. I agree but gee I so want to have a go at her. And I bet my dad knows nothing. If he does well then he’s just as bad as her.

What she did was very rude. Not even a birthday card or present. She wants to start a fight. Well I’m not going to be the one who starts it. Because I’m not childish and rude and pathetic like my mum.

how can she be my mum???

The worst thing is to have to ask your kids for money because I’m too mentally unstable to get a job. Too dumb too hopeless.
the worst feeling ever to feel

i wish I was different

this feeling of guilt is huge

tbe feeling of being a bad mother

now I’m really down

@Former-Member @Shaz51 @Jynx @BPDSurvivor @Owlunar @Emelia8

@BlueBay here with you 💜 What you describe sounds quite intense, is that how it feels for you right now? How are you feeling in regards to sitting with these feelings?

Yep this is how I feel @Former-Member

hopeless helpless guilty etc etc

every single negative word is me

it’s terrible

they must hate me for asking

I hate me

Gotcha, I'm sorry to hear this is the space you're sitting in today.

Do you have any tools in your toolbox that you could use to allow these emotions to simply be, or does that feel too overwhelming for you at the moment?

I ask because the one thing that helped me the most when I would feel intense feelings was to accept that they are here. It didn't mean that I liked them, not one bit (I used to get such intense anxiety on top of the feeling), but the more I pushed them away it felt like the stronger they would swing back around. This sounds a little simple, but crying also helped – I needed the feelings to move through in a physical sense and crying was a pathway for that.

im using food as a coping tool which is bad too but i don't care right now @Former-Member

i also just had a shower and washed my hair

The good old "eating your feelings" is a bit hard to avoid at times, an easy go-to, been there.
The shower was a great idea though, spending some time doing something relaxing for the body can be really grounding.

How are you feeling now? I don't expect all those emotions to have disappeared like a magic trick, but wondering if you've been able to pull back from them a little so they're not as much of a central focus?

i have just chatted online to a counsellor @Former-Member and i still feel angry upset

a lot of my issues are my mum, finances, my mental health

but today a lot of it is my mum

last night i was rehersing in my head an argument with my mum

what i would say, how i would respond to her etc etc

i am not feeling too great, temperature up again, feeling quite hot

need to lay down

I understand, the hurt can feel so debilitating when its core comes from a parent.

Please take good care of yourself this evening, and if you get any worse with the fever etc don't hesitate to reach out to a doctor for medical support.