Last night i took a med to help me sleep - didn't work. I was awake at 3am for a little while then again at 4.30am. I fell back to sleep and up at 7am. What a night!!!
@HenryX wrote:
Your situation is one with which I can sympathise and also understand and empathise. Sometimes the energy, both physically and mentally, seems to be inaccessible and, or unavailable. I hope that I did not cause you more stress with my previous post and comment. It seems that you are endeavouring to implement, in your day to day activities, each of the suggestions to which I referred. It is hard to convey in writing, on the forum, our specific experiences and effects of our MH issues. However, I can acknowledge that you appear to me to be doing the best that you can in the circumstances and with the resources that you have available to you. Consequently, I believe that the best that I, or most of us on the forum can do, with the acknowledgement that has already been offered, is to say that I/we support you as much as we can in this format.Thank you for your empathy. I am trying my best although at times it seems 'not enough'; but that's my BPD thinking and I need to remind myself that i am still not well enough to go back to work.
@HenryX wrote
With your reminder, I do recall you having spoken about the loss of your job. From my previous experience working with clients as an employment and personnel officer, and my own personal experience of dealing with the loss of work, partly as a result of MH issues, I can say that I am aware of the effects. Expression of who we are in our family, with friends and in the community, through our work and all that “work” means to us, can be a very significant part of our lives. Consequently, medical and psychological advice and suggestions, that can seem like a barrier, can act like a nail in a tyre. It takes significant personal resources just to cope with that situation on its own. And yet there are often still other issues to be dealt with.
I feel i have lost part of my identity with no work. I feel very lonely at home as my friends work and my children and hubby are working. I have lost the 'get up to go to work' feeling. Yeah it does at times, feel like a barrier but deep down I know i am not ready.
@HenryXwrote
In addition to my back issues {stenosis and 3 operations} and possibly because of them, I also experienced severe depression, for which I still take a relatively high dosage of medication. I can, therefore, relate to the feelings about which you have spoken. However, I had interpreted the description of your feelings and state of mind as more acute than chronic. Distinctions such as acute and chronic are often tainted by the way that they are used or abused in the wider community. My present concern, as identified by your GP and psychologist, is that your situation seems to be more persistent and experienced for a longer period of time, bringing it into the area described as “chronic”. These problems and issues are compounded by financial stress or, sometimes financial distress, which can, as you have stated, lead to feelings of guilt. Normally, such feelings are cognitive misinterpretations (or distortions) of our position in our thoughts, but such words often don't help us much in dealing with the feelings.
I do understand what both my GP and psych are saying. It was a HUGE shock to be sacked, something that has never ever happened to me before. To be told 'i have to let you go' and 'you can leave now'; to grab my bag and walk out without saying goodbye to anyone - was very emotional. I was a mess. As i sat in my car in disbelief i was so so upset. I felt angry, overwhelmed, shocked etc etc. We live in a sought after area very close to the beach. I know that if we sell our home we will double our price in only 4 years we have been here. But - the issue is where do we go? we are thinking of other areas but we don't love them as the area we are in now. We have lived in our area for 25 years. But realsity is that if we sell and move to a completely different area (still only 30-40 mins away from where we are) we will be able to pay off our mortgage or have a very tiny one. That's the issue, I am scared to move; i am sad to move. I just can't think about moving. So for now I am trying to do think about it because i can't deal with it. The prices of homes will still go up here, so do we wait another 6 months and see how I feel then. Theres too much to think of.
I am scared of having to find another job; where do i go, what do i want; career change - i have no idea. and the thought is quite daunting, overwhelming. But i know i have a few months and my GP doesn't want me to go straight into a full time or part time position. He wants me to ease myself into employment. Because otherwise (like last employment) i will fall into a heap and get sick again. I am very lucky to have great support from a very caring doctor and the same as my psychiatrist.
And you're right it's been a long time feeling like this; it is chronic.
@HenryXwrote
While the suggestions offered by your GP and psychologist may be unpalatable, I am pleased to know that you are supported to the extent that they have done so far. You also seem, while not necessarily being happy with the suggestions, to respect their recommendations and feel that their assessments and recommendations are appropriate for you at the present time. The advice, such as that which they have offered and recommended, can sometimes be received with a feeling like having hit a brick wall, an almost impenetrable, insurmountable barrier and also contribute to those feelings of deflation. This can be expressed in the ways that you have described, as being and feeling of; low mood, not caring about life, what's the point?, it just seems too hard, feeling sick with constant headache, laying in bed in a state of lethargy, lack of motivation to even go for a walk. I can say, that one comment that you made, about which I definitely do not agree, is your statement that “I'm just lazy”. Most, if not all of the expressions, stated above, about feelings, are classic signs of depression, with which you appear to be dealing in the best ways that you can. It may seem simple, but going to the beach for example, is one thing that you mentioned. While it may seem relatively insignificant and it may not totally lift your feelings, it is appropriate action taken to ameliorate {with all due respect to @Emelia8 } some of the feelings that you are experiencing. In these ways, you are making the best attempts and putting in the effort, with such levels of energy to which you have access, to improve your position on a day by day basis.
Yeah, because we are so close to the beach (15 min walk) I often go down and sick on the rocks just watching the waves, birds and think. If i think too deep i start to get emotional and cry. So i try not to do that. Yeah i agree with you that those words that i said are signs of depression and to be honest some days all i want to do is stay in bed. Another thing is seeing my 4 yr old granddaughter. When i see her she lights up my life. I am on a high when we play together, sing or just be together. She gives me unconditional hugs, says to me many times how much she loves me. I look forward hearing from her daily on the phone. The only trouble with this is that when she leave my place - i go back down quite quickly, i crave for her. And that is wrong because i am not her mother, i need to be able to find other things in life that will give me that same feeling. that's hard.
@HenryX wrote
It is important to recognise and acknowledge the worthwhile activities and exercises that you undertake, with respect to lifting your mood, improving your day, recovering lost ground and moving toward a better future.
With my diary and daily 'to do things' i usually tick them off but it doesn't make me 'feel good' that i have done them. I just tick them off and off i go. It's strange.
Thank you @HenryX again for your reply, i really appreciate your help.
