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Something’s not right

Need to vent

Need to vent

Hi everyone

I need to vent!!

I'm not coping

I'm not enjoying my new job. It's mundane, boring and triggering. For those who don't know, I was made redundant in my pharmacy job 4 days before Christmas. I then found a casual job at a supermarket. The job I do is very boring. I have far too much 'alone' time at work so my mind wanders to a lot of stuff. I asked my supervisor if i could learn the registers as thats what i would love to do. she replied that she couldn't until next year, don't know why as we are so short staffed and they need extras.

They advertise extra shifts or replacing a shift on facebook, which i really hate. but that's how they do it. i asked my supervisor if i could pick up extra shifts even though i don't know the registers. she replied yes thats fine that i would still do cleaning.

The other day a staff member posted she needed someone to do a shift. i was the first one tyo reply and accept the shift. another girl replied after me. the staff member replied back to me saying she would give that shift to the second girl as i don't know tyhe registers. I was so annoyed, angry and then upset. I feel used, and discriminated.

The problem is I am 'too scared' to confront my supervisor and ask again as i don't want the other member to get into gtrouble. so this means that i can't get any extra shifts until i learn the registers.

it is so wrong

the other issue i am having is seeing the old pharmacy customers. it's not an issue in that i see them, they love to talk. some still didn't know i had gone!!! but each time i see them and they say 'oh i am sorry to what happened to you' i get upset, hurt angry at the new owners. i miss the girls i used to work with and the job.

working for a much much bigger organisation is hard. there is so much clicks, so much politics and crap. i try to go in and do my job and go home.

but with so much time on my hands at work i start to think negatively.

i have recentyly had terrible vertigo, a 5 day migraine and today again another headache. i decided to call in sick and was spoken to so rude and short by the supervisor. it's like she doesn't believe me when i call in sick. and my anxiety is extremely high in having to ring her.

i don't have the confidence to leave and get another job. i feel i am not good enough

i am sorry to vent, i know a lot of you are struggling with your own issues. and that i should be thankful that i do have a job, as a lot of people have lost theirs.

4898 replies

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In response to: Need to vent

Re: Need to vent

hi everyone @Owlunar @MDT @saltandpepper @Emelia8 @Shaz51 @BPDSurvivor and others reading along

yesterday morning i was in a mad panic state. I couldn't get hold of my doctor, he had day off. Couldn't get in to see any other doctors. So then i thought i would email my psych and ask if i could see him or some other psych or to even let my new psychologist know about my bad night. I never heard back from them all day. Even if my psych couldn't see me at least a reply would have been nice. Usually his receptionist will reply back and let me know but nothing. so last night after chatting online with Sane counsellor i decided to email my psych and let him know how i felt - abandonded.

now this is the bad part - instead of emailing the office i emailed his own email. He has given it to me before. Part of me knew he wouldn't like it but the other part (which was stronger) thought stuff it if i email him he'll get it straightawasy and respond. if i email the office they won't reply. so i did email and explained what happened in the morning with my email and no one getting back to me. he knows how i feel about abandonment; he knows it's huge for me. no reply last night.

But this morning at 7am he replied saying he will forward my email to him to my own psychologist this morning and at times he can't respond at that time. i didn't expect him to respond personally and i do understand he is busy with other patients. But an acknowledgement of my panic state email would have been enough. he said if i am still struggling to contact my GP (which is tried) or the CAT team.

Anyway, 5 mins later i receive an email from the Office Manager saying that the email was also forwarded to her and that she can offer me an appt to see my psychologist monday afternoon. i replied that it's my anniversary and hubby is taking me out but if there was a later appt i would be happy to take that. she replied yes she can make a 6pm appt which i gladly took.

See in my BPD head i knew later that it was wrong to send my psych an email directly to him. But i thought that it would be the only way to get to him and let him know that i was not happy.

I do these quick rash things and i have noticed it a lot lately.

My anxiety is high today, i had little A all night. she slept all night but woke up at 5.30am. That's early. i tried to say to her stay in bed a bit longer but she came into our bed and after a little while she wanted to go and have breakfast and watch 'toy story'. So up we get, coffee time for me and movie for her. She's gone to her dad's for the day. i did a bit of house cleaning, put a slow cooker chicken meal on for tonight and now i will sit and watch a movie. hubby outside doing car stuff and boys are both out. so the house is back to peace and quiet.

i have been getting a bit of abdomen pain again which isn't good. it's cold here and rainy; feels like winter has set in.

i know you guys are going to be angry with me or disappointed; and i know i have choices - i haven't taken my meds for 3 days now. All of them. I know what i am meant to do - take them. I know.

self sabotage is easy for me; i don't have to think twice, i just do it. Gosh i just want to cry. i need a hug; a chat; a drink. OK, i should go and put a movie on, maybe try some knitting. and my breathing exercises.

@BPDSurvivor have you done things like this before?

@Owlunar the therapist that couldn't help me anymore was not the right therapist (looking back now). He was/is a psychotherapist and sex therapist. You see i was seeing him as an exgtra therapist years ago to try to help our relationship; my marriage; our sex life. But to be honest it was far too confronting and because of the childhood abuse at the time it was very emotional and triggering. So we stayed away from intimacy/sex therapy and because that therapist I felt was becoming 'my friend' as such a 'father figure to me' i stayed with him. For 5 years i felt i had a good relationship with him but not as a therapist/client it was more 'friends' or so i thought. When he told me after 5 years that he couldn't help me anymore - well that hit me like a ton of bricks. Bang, crash it all came crashing down on me. I'll never forget that night. And i;ll never forget that night he gave me a big hug. to feel his arms around me at that time when i was an emotional vulnerable wreck - it wasn't right (looking back now) but at the time it was perfect.

I still think my inner child is broken, she is. and ther is a lot of work to be done with her. I know i have so much care and support herre from some amazing people; going through some tough stages of their lives. And i do appreciate all the replies i get. I do feel bad, however when sometimes i don't reply back to your replies or know what to say to everyone. i feel i have let others down. And i am sorry.

OK, better go and put netflix on. I'll come back later and chat.

xxxxooo

In response to: Re: Need to vent

Re: Need to vent

Hope you're travelling ok today @BlueBay I must admit I don't currently have the brain power to read much atm but will check in again with you tomorrow and hope you get a good rest tonight

In response to: Re: Need to vent

Re: Need to vent

I'm about to burst into tears

two more days

I need to tell hubby

@saltandpepper @Owlunar @TAB @MDT @Emelia8 @Shaz51 @BPDSurvivor @Eve7 and others

In response to: Re: Need to vent

Re: Need to vent

I’m sorry @BlueBay that you are feeling like this.

I believe in you...prove me right 💙💙💙

In response to: Re: Need to vent

Re: Need to vent

Ah sorry it's hitting you like this @BlueBay I wish I could make it easier for you. Good idea going to your husband I think, let him in

In response to: Re: Need to vent

Re: Need to vent

I can't @saltandpepper @Eve7

Can't tell him how sick I feel with anxiety

seeing my GP tomorrow. I need to talk to someone

In response to: Re: Need to vent

Re: Need to vent

What's stopping you feom talking to him @BlueBay

In response to: Re: Need to vent

Re: Need to vent

I know he won't understand

@saltandpepper

He'll think I'm being stupid snd he'll say just go to new job.

In response to: Need to vent

Re: Need to vent

Hey @saltandpepper!

I am sure that reply was in jest, however as tone can be difficult to interpret online I want to caution against any violent language - just in case it could be taken the wrong way or worrying to others.

Thank you for your understanding 🙂

Kind regards

Peregrinefalcon

In response to: Re: Need to vent

Re: Need to vent

Hi @BlueBay

I know Huffnpuff doesn't understand and I hear you

If you need to talk to someone then ring Life Line

Otherwise practice your breathing and stop this self-sabotage - you are digging yourself a hole - so please settle down for your own sake

My WiFi is playing up so I can't send the long message I planned - chat with me though if you can

Dec

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