Need to vent

@MDT @saltandpepper @Shaz51 @Owlunar @Emelia8 @BPDSurvivor and others reading

had a very weird night sleep

too many different dreams all tangled together

very very messy

awake during the night with too many thoughts

very restless

awake at 4.30am again!!!

My GP isn't in today so i need to wait for monday appt at 8am. have to get through the weekend. how??

i need to slow down my breathing which i did before but the trouble is it goes up quickly again.

Minding little A today that is a really good distraction for today. Taking her to kinda at 1.30pm and a friend just messaged to say lets do coffee - another good distraction. Then pick up A from kinda and she's with us for the night. OK so that's today sorted!!! now for the next two days - i have no idea. i can feel the insides just boiling, brewing around, fighting inside me, tangled webs, oh this is crazy.

I remembered last night the only other time i felt as bad as this was the night before telling my about my childhood abuse. i remember calling my psych saying you need to put me into hospital, i can't do this. And then when i did - it was disaster; horrible, gut wrenching - ALL MY FAULT according to my mum. 😞

i could do no right; it was all about me and how dare i wait 30 years to tell her; how dare i tell my sister first. the cold hard look on her face. finger pointing . gosh why am i going there

right now with what i wrote i want to self harm, right now there is noting else i want to do in between the tears

F..k my mum i hate her so so much. hate is strong, ok i don't like her. but she is my mum.

i need to STOP. just STOP!!!!!

after a really good cry and an email to my psych I am now ok. having a second coffee will help.

I've asked my psych if i can see him or someone. I think that yesterday's session with this new psychologist has really affected me.

I know once little A is here I will be okay and safe. but right now i am drinking my coffee and just breathing

@BlueBay 👍💞

Aw @BlueBay well done, you're doing great focusing on your breathing and looking ahead to what the day will bring. I think it makes sense starting up with the new osych is going to bring up a lot of stuff for you. Self care for the next few days. Take it easy and just focus on the basics to get through this period

Wow @BlueBay

The best thing I have ever seen you write is this

if I don't release this trauma I'll be stuck forever.

That is so true - I read this last night but I have been too tired to respond but I know how the past can control anyone and you have been nursing this horror in your mind for so long. You really do have to let it go

Okay - I can hear you - how do you let it go. I think that sometimes we reach a stage where we have to let go - release the past - imagine that with every out-breath we are filling up a balloon that can't burst - and when we have had enough we let it go and it floats away, up and up and up until it goes - and it doesn't happen all at once but then - the day comes when it must be set free and we can be set free and it will blow away

Why are you hanging onto your past trauma? I am really serious with this question. Are you afraid that if you release it then there is nothing to replace it because it has taken up so much of your life for so long. I can tell you that the power that should be yours is being given away to your abusers and your mother all the time and you need that power for yourself and when you let the trauma go the power will be yours again.

And you will find so much more in your life - you already have so much - your family - and now a new job. Please stop all this self-sabotage because it is keeping you in the dark place in your past and you don't need this today - in any part of your future - at all

Think better of yourself - do you think that the really wise and calm people in this world haven't have hard things to deal with in the past. We have - that's how we have grown - we have learned resilience. We know the past is still there - like a scar from an operation - it always will be -

It seems that when you talk to some of your therapists you are picking at the sore and making it worse and this really does have to stop. It makes me so sad to see you doing this to yourself.

And for God's sake forget about what your mother said and did. She is toxic, she will only hurt you. Perhaps she has seen your strength and independence and hates to see you grow. Let let alone. Go and see your father - that was a good thing that you saw him that day - but your mother!! Don't take her any presents - or at least - I wouldn't - after what she said

I am so sorry that you have been triggered again. You have a new chance with a better job and please don't blow this. I know how this feels for you better than I can willingly say - but I do know.

I wish you the best - and yes - you seem to be getting the idea of breathing - I think that's a brilliant procedure

All the best - Next Tuesday will come. And yes - go back and read your first post here - it is enlightening

Dec

Hey @BlueBay

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9cFPPzt9Is

Wanted to leave this song with you - in times of trouble it can help me sift through the pain and gives me a chance to heal. I find the tone is good for that. The name "on the nature of daylight" I think means "daylight is what follows night, and night follows daylight and it keeps going that until the end of time". In other words, pain ends and but does come back, but it ends and it keeps going like that way. A bit daylight.

Anyway I hope you find the tone colours and notes help somehow

Thanks everyone @MDT @saltandpepper @Emelia8 @TAB @Owlunar

I thought that after 10 years of therapy with a few different psycholgoists that I would be in a different headspace. It just goes to show how long these things can take.

I know that trauma can take a long time to deal with and begin to heal. And i think that seeing someone new yesterday who has a lot of insight into childhood trauma because it happened to him, has shaken things up for me.

@Owlunar I think that for the past 10 years my life has been doctors, psychs, psychologists, hospital, therapy, talking and lots of mixed emotions. and yes it has taken up a lot of my time and not to mention money. I don't want to add up all the money i have spent because i probably could have gone overseas twice!!! So i guess, yes you are probably right - what do i have if i didn't have all this.

i know you're probably thinking - i do have a family, a loving family. three beautiful healthy children who have grown up into amazingn adults and a beautiful granddaughter. yes, i should be more thankful and i am.

I go into these destructive negative ways when i am depressed, anxious and feel like i can't control any of it. but i think with slow breaths i can control it.

i panic very easily and need comfort very quickly. that's bad. but it's how i have been all my life. my childhood in particular but i never got the comfort from my parents. in fact the opposite. i don't know who gave me comfort. actually i do have one beautiful memory of my late grandmother, my dad's mum. I was named after her. she was at our house for a few days and she slept in my room. i remember one morning cuddling up to her in her bed. oh how i remember these hugs, the cuddles, i know she loved me so much. and this special memory i will remember forever. gosh now i am crying. where did that come from??

yes, it's like a sore that was small, almost better and BANG i pick and pick at it so it gets worse. why? maybe i can get help, in my head it seems that's what i want all the time. someone to help me.

i am scared because of my inner child. not scared of her at all but just scared at facing everything. very very scared.

i have to go and get little A some lunch before kinda. i will be back later on.

xxxxoooo

that's self-awareness ? that's a good thing? @BlueBay

Hi again @BlueBay

I agree with the sore-picking - I totally understand that - and I had psycho-analysis before my son died and afterwards I saw a psychologist and yes - it was a lot of money to see the psychologist but it helped and in time I didn't see either of them again - and since then a little therapy now and again but time has passed and the need to talk about it has passed and I don't write about the really dark stuff any more - I don't need to and it's better not to visit it at all

So I am not being critical about what you are doing - I only think it has been a long time and some of the therapists have stopped seeing you because they feel they are not helping - and maybe that's true. I know it was devastating for you when this happened but in truth - really - was it helping you or just comforting? You can learn to comfort yourself and this forum is full of lessons in self-comfort.

I will never say you are lucky to have your family - it is wonderful that you do and I guess lucky but it is your life - and so great that you had your grandmother when you were young - I had a gran like that and I have wonderful memories of her too; like having your family - your Gran is a blessing and count those memories as such

Perhaps you speak to too many people - I would find that confusing. As I have grown older I have learned to have an internal conversation and ask myself what I need to say and what I want to hear and help myself out with that. I imagine that takes practise. It is important to have faith in ourselves and learn to like and then love ourselves - it's really important to have a good relationship with oneself. That's a good conversation to have with anyone - with oneself - even better

I had an inner child too - she was so feisty - I haven't thought about that for a long time now - I am still feisty. I won't put up with anything down-putting from anyone and yes - I care about how I present myself but in fact I care more about how I feel about myself. I no longer care if I come across as a grumpy old woman as long as I have been assertive. I suppose starting off as feisty was a good start but it's not a case of anyone have their own way all the time. Its a case of having knowledge of ourselves and our boundaries and speaking up firmly and not needing anyone's approval - though it is nice to have it

I think your inner child is okay - you can spend time nurturing that yourself but you are no longer a child - you need to nuture yourself as you are now and you don't have a day or even an hour to waste. I really don't think many people have an ideal childhoold. What can we gain from wanting one as adults? - you have done well caring for your own children and that is more important.

We care about you here - it is so obvious - so many people post on your threads. It is hard to ignore the inner voices at times and it takes practice to learn to stop those DVDs - I know this because I have been through it - and I really understand

I am sure this new job will be okay - think about not having to sell your house - wow - you are starting with extra shifts and I am sure you will be much happier having a job in a pharmacy where you already know people.

Keep up the good work - you are doing better than you think you are

Dec