Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script

way to go my @Judi9877

hello @HenryX , @BPDSurvivor , @BlueBay , @Former-Member

That's great @Judi9877 ! I can see how much thought and reflection you've had on your current circumstances. It makes a real difference to recovery.

I appreciate your point in saying happiness comes from within - no one can MAKE you happy. This also makes me consider, is being happy just a fantasy?

I used to always think I needed to be 'happy' to enjoy life. The more I sought happiness, the more depressed I got. In the end, I stopped looking to be happy. Instead, I focused on being able to function effectively in society to feel satisfied with the good and bad - this is what ultimately brought the happiness I wasn't expecting.

So now, I accept my situation/s and focus on being content.

Missing you all!

BPDSurvivor

@Shaz51 @HenryX @Judi9877 @BlueBay @Former-Member

Hi there @BPDSurvivor @Shaz51 @HenryX @BlueBay @Former-Member and everyone here. I hope you are travelling well with your mental health and other issues. What's been going on? Anything exciting?

* Warning- rant ahead!*

To be honest, my BPD is causing chaos in my life in regards to my sister and the fact that my rental property tenancy won't be getting renewed in February when the lease is over. I'm fine with that as the property manager has been trouble with rent money going missing and him lying to VCAT to get us to pay him more money which he wasn't entitled to but the vcat member believed him unfortunately for us, my housemate and I. Anyway, there's a chance we may have to move in with her (my sister) at the end of the lease for a short amount of time in order to save up money for a new place including a months rent in advance and potentially bond because we won't have it. Anyway, my sister is now making all these rules up and she even said if I didn't like it, I could sleep in my car and effectively be homelessness, which I think she indirectly wants as she likes to think I'm a waste of space and just want her for house - which is a mess most of the time anyway. When I do stay with her, she tells me I can't call Catt or psych triage as I make things up and that they'll blame her for things, which they do know she threatens me and tries to control me with my health needs and money. I've had to agree that if I move in if the situation arises in February that I won't have a psych ward admission because it will draw attention to her and her behaviours towards me, even if I need psych help which is wrong but what I have to agree to if i'm to live at her house. Last night, all I wanted to do after speaking to her was self harm in a bad way because I know she wants me dead rather than alive so I'm not a bother to her anymore and it took all my strength not to. Even my peer worker person who I met on the psych ward said I'm not to tell my psychologist that I want to self harm or worse as she said he doesn't need to know. I will eventually tell my psychologist what's going on but I think the peer worker is jealous of my relationship with my psychologist because she liked him but nothing eventuated and therefore doesn't like my therapeutic relationship with him. I also think my sister doesn't want me getting psych treatment when I'm with her because they'll see that she has psych issues - she's got anxiety, OCD and PTSD which she refuses to get help for even though her OCD and anxiety issues have caused the police to help her on the roads when she's driving and when she's out shopping with her constant turning back and checking things over and over again- and she'll be forced to get help besides the tablets her GP gives her. My sister likes to think she is perfect and has the perfect life which I'm not allowed to have or even be happy because it means I've got something that she has and that's definitely not allowed in her eyes. Yes, what she's doing is probably psychological abuse but proving that to anyone is hard and the relevant people like Catt call my family dysfunctional and tell me to just deal with it which is wrong but they don't deal with my sister so they don't care.

I just wish my life would change for the better and that my housing would be stable so I didn't need to worry about being homeless or at the mercy of my sister in so many ways. I like to think I'm an okay person with some good qualities like my ability to study, volunteer, self help for myself and others, my communication skills, my research skills, the ability to drive and get to different places, the ability to look after a home and pay things financially, but my sister doesn't see this and I don't think others do either which I don't like. I hate the self harm component of my BPD and I've accepted that it is something I have to deal with every day of my life but my sister doesn't understand this or the fact that my mental illness situation is episodic and I can't control when I'll get sick, especially with my depression and schizophrenia as well. My sister didn't like me being in hospital recently yet loved telling all her friends and anyone who would listen that I'd been in a psych ward, if only to make herself look good and perfect against me, like it was some sort of status thing in her eyes. See? This is what I have to deal with when my sister calls me and I have to listen to her, along with her stories of Love Island, netball and The Block which she obsesses over like she could be these people and has a connection to, which she doesn't.

Thanks to everyone If you've spent time reading this long self obsessed post. Sorry about all of this. I'm not in a good headspace and just needed to get it all out. Feel free to ignore this post or even delete it. I'll quietly go away now.

Judi9877

Hi @Judi9877,

I am so sorry to hear about your housing situation, I know this is something that has seen lots of change throughout the year The stress of working out where to live and wondering what is next is really stressful, and my thoughts are with you! At the heart of wellbeing, we all deserve a safe and stable place to live, and I am hearing that moving in with your sister sounds like a daunting prospect.

It sounds like you have a really good relationship with your psychologist who has been an ongoing support for you during difficult times, is this correct?

I really value your openness in talking about the thoughts of suicide you have been having, and how self harm has been a part of your life. Taking that step to tell us is so important, and you mentioned that you will eventally tell your psychologist as well. Have you spoke with your psychologist about self harm and suicide before?

Family relationships can be so challenging, and I'm sorry to hear the way you feel after conversations with your sister. From everything I see here on the forums, you are such a warm, kind, compassionate and caring person, and I hope that during this difficult time you know that your forums family is right here alongside you

Hi @Judi9877 ,

I agree with @Daisydreamer .

With your studies, I'm sure you know about Maslow's hierarchy of needs... shelter is a need.... not a want.

You've come so far in your recovery and although this housing issue may seem like a spanner in the works, consider what you can gain from it.

Thank you for being so honest and open in your post. Do you have any support services you can reach out to? Any links from PARC to help you with finding a place? For example, Salvation Army Services? I know you're in Melb. I wish I noted down some of the services that were mentioned to us when I was at PARC.

Im not sure if you are entitled to gain support from the government whereby they pay your bond?

If you're really stuck, I guess you can phone Housing Victoria to see what services they can link you with. Their number is 1800 825 955. I'm not sure how helpful staying with your sister will be. By all means, if you think you can make it work, go for it!

I wish you the best. I'm here if you need a chat or even if you want space to just vent.

BPDSurvivor

Hi @BPDSurvivor @Daisydreamer @Shaz51 @HenryX @BlueBay @Former-Member @Paperdaisy @frog and all forumites here.

I'd just like to thank each of you for being so caring, supportive and kind to me in my last post as that has really helped me and my moods. It's great to know I've got my forum family to care for me so thank you very much for all of your kind words and support. It's been very much appreciated☺️!

I just thought I'd let you all know that I've had an interesting development in my world later on tonight in the form of my estranged alcoholic father who decided to call me and in which I took a brave chance in answering his call. Let's just say it was like a Beauty and the Beast moment (my favourite Disney movie) whereby he chose to call me and I took a chance on him by answering his call tonight (Friday). He apologised for his behaviour and told me he's back working 3 days a week after one of his old work mates secured him a job in his old industry where there is now a skills shortage and so he was able to come out of retirement and re-enter the workforce at 72. That's a positive for him as it means he's not at home drinking 3 days a week and he's doing something productive and getting paid great money for it as well. I told him about my psych ward admission and he's totally understanding about it due to what caused the admission (my schizophrenia and Covid-19 restrictions) and has admitted that these restrictions have also been hard for him being alone and with limited supports from his old social networks whom he had a falling out with for some undisclosed reasons. I also told him about my housing situation which he believes is unfair but can understand that we need to leave because of the property managers issues which he also didn't like when I told him about the rent money problems. We spoke about my sister as well and the troubles I've been experiencing with her with him telling me that she's like my mother who loved causing drama and thinking she was never the problem in any of her relationships, including family and friends, and that he and I are alike which is why we get along so well. He's even offered to loan me money for a car instead of going through a credit loan company and paying 24.5%pa interest rates just because I'm on Centrelink and am deemed a credit risk, which I've agreed to pay him back the same amount of money each fortnight into a separate account of his when I get paid my DSP money so it's a regular payment and one that I'll definitely never miss. He'll even help me look for a used car and make sure I don't get ripped off like I did with my current car that hasn't been used due to being broken down since December last year which is great of him. He's calling me tomorrow/today - Saturday- to have another talk about things and I'll definitely be accepting the phone call after this call went so well.

I will admit that when my dad called, I was scared as he called me last month when I was at PARCS and I didn't take the call because I wasn't ready mentally for his call. I wasn't well and I was scared of what he would say and do if he knew about what was happening to me back then. I now realise that he's been more accepting of me being in hospital for treatment than my sister ever was and probably ever will be as he sees my mental illnesses as just that- illnesses- and not something to be scared of or make a status issue of like my sister does. If there was a celebrity with a certain mental illness who could make the mental illness trendy or cool, then my sister would probably try and get diagnosed with it just to fit in and have a connection to the celebrity, especially if the celebrity was a favourite of hers, Britney Spears exempt of course! Then again, my sister thinks the Australian and Victorian mental health laws are similar to the American ones so try and work that one out as I definitely can't! All I know is I'm not letting my sister know about this relationship starting back up again as I don't want her to ruin it for me, like she's done in the past. It's bad enough I'm scared that I'll wreck the relationship because of my BPD, let alone my sister getting involved again. Dad wants to meet for coffee soon which I said can happen at the end of November once uni is over for the year and I'm looking forward to it happening. There's a lot of things that have happened to each of us and it will be good to sit down and chat and see what each of us look like, which I haven't done in many years. Like I said, I'm nervous and slightly anxious about this new relationship restarting again but I'm also hopeful that it will be a good thing as well as I've missed having him to talk to, especially since it's been 19 long years since my mother died of cancer. When the 2 of us talk, I know he gets what I'm going through as we are very sitting things unlike my twin sister who I struggle to get her to see my side of the world and one without drama, which she doesn't like. If the world doesn't revolve around my sister and her dramas, then basically I don't exist unless she's in trouble physically (she likes to think that because I did VCE physical education back in the 90s that I'm some sort of doctor with knowing how to

handle muscle aches and pains in her legs which I'm definitely no medical expert!) or she's had a drama at work or some sort of important celebrity or netball news that I must know about because apparently it's vital knowledge that I must have, in her opinion! Again, I hope you can see why I need her not knowing about this important development in my life. I will tell my psychologist as I see this as important for him to know about and I'm slsk

curious to get his advice on how to handle the relationship so I don't mess it up.

Speaking of my psychologist, I'm going to email him and let him know about the housing situation, my relationship issues with my sister and now my father, the self harm issues in more detail and what happens when I speak to my GP today via Telehealth appointment as he wanted me to make an appointment when I spoke to him last Saturday and had self harm snd suicidal issues on the phone to him. My mental state has improved a fair bit for the positive since I last posted on here which is great so please don't worry about me as I'm fine.

Okay forumites. It's now early Saturday morning and I need to get some beauty sleep! Thanks for reading this post.

Nighty⭐️🌛

Judi9877😎🍀⭐️

hi @Judi9877

that's great news about your dad making contact. I'm so happy for you.
take care @Judi9877 you have enough on your plate.

Xxoo

Very impressive! Through your post, I can see how far you have come in your emotional regulation @Judi9877 . Sounds like reconnecting with your father want something you could do in the past, but now you can.

That's what I call growth! It is such a joy to see people, especially on the forums, move through various stages in their recovery. That's for you too @BlueBay @WIP !

Let us know how you go. Thinking of you,

BPDSurvivor

Wow @Judi9877 , that is great about your dad xxx

How are you today

Hello @BPDSurvivor , @BlueBay

Hi mum @Shaz51 !

I'm preparing to wind down now so I can sleep and wake up early for work tomorrow. Not sure what the week holds except we how our Melb cup public holiday on Tuesday! Looking to go to the beach since it will be about 30 degrees.

Any improvements with your mum?

BPDSurvivor