Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script

hello @Aniela

@BPDSurvivor, @BlueBay , @Daisy16 , @Judi9877 , @Anastasia

how is everyone tonight xx

Hi @Shaz51 @Daisy16 @Judi9877 @BlueBay @Anastasia @Aniela ,

As a continuation of my former posts here, I want to go into my early years.

When I was first diagnosed with BPD, it didn't make sense because I came from a really 'good' family. I had everything provided for me, my parents NEVER fought. I was the middle child of three. I had an 'ideal' family. The diagnosis truely didn't make sense because I'd read of the trauma other BPD survivors endured in their youth.

It has only been in the last 2 years that I have been diagnosed with PTSD. I was thinking, "WHAT? What trauma have I gone through? My family was and is the perfect family."

My therapist worked with me closely and was able to shine light on my 'not-so-perfect' family. What I thought was 'normal' was actually consistent episodes of invalidation to the point where my emotions were buried deep within me, and if, perchance any emotion was shown, it was quickly shut down. My childhood fears, pain, sadness, I am so isolation were 'not allowed' to be shown and I thought this was normal. It has taken months for me to accept that my BPD's roots were in my upbringing. There is still a lot for me to learn. But the pain of my childhood is there.

Now that I have worked on naming the pain and anguish I was subjected to endure as a child, I can work with the pain. The hurt is still very real, but naming it has enabled me to move on. Otherwise, it was a pain I continually tried to bury. The more I tried to bury it, the more it resurfaced. This is where the instability associated with BPD took hold.

@BlueBay , you have mentioned the pain of your childhood which is only too real. My heart goes out to you and I hope you will be able to find some compassion on yourself to live the life you deserve.

I am still working on accepting that the root of my BPD was my early years. I do not blame anybody, but want people to realise that having BPD does not make you 'unloveable', 'a mistake' or 'bad'.

Take care my friends,

BPDSurvivor

Thank you for sharing.

Our childhoods have a lot to answer for 😔

Again I think you are an incredible person @BPDSurvivor . Happy I met you xxx

@Shaz51 @Daisy16 @Judi9877 @BlueBay

Thanks for sharing @BPDSurvivor

validation was never shown or given to me. I was always shut down. It was always my mum's way. She never validated me as a daughter, a person. As an adult Anything I suggested or gave my opinion was squashed by her.
I thought about my childhood the other night. Twice I tried to run away. Once from school I left and told no one. The other was a doctors appt thst my brother (one of my abusers) and I had to go to. Don't know why my mum didn't take me. But I ran away from that too.

to not be validated feels like I'm a nothing. I'm useless.
I had no school friends. I wasn't allowed to go to school functions. No camp etc.

I have no photos of my childhood nothing. I feel like I don't exist.

I'm so sorry @BlueBay

Hi @BPDSurvivor , thank you for your post, your ambitions are very admirable! I am stuck at the moment & looking at getting away for a while to hit the reset button. My depression has been out of control & I am not coping with day to day life right now. I can't even turn off long enough for any mindfulness skills/techniques to even start working. I have been looking at mental health retreats & would like to know if yourself or anyone else on here has attended one? I don't have a lot of money and I don't have private health cover either (just to throw a spanner in the works). Any information or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Thankyou @Anastasia xxoo

Hi @New2BPD ,

I had a time when I felt I was in the same position as you are now - severely depressed, could not sleep, empty, lost. I was at such a low point that no amount of talking therapy made a difference. I never thought I would make it through this low period because I wanted a 'reset' but didn't know how.

This is where antidepressants made a difference. After trialling many different antidepressants, it was finally an SSRI which worked for major depressive disorder. I have also known other people with depression stemming from BPD be prescribed SSRIs. Only when my depression was seen to and I was more stable, could I begin psychotherapy to improve the symptoms of BPD. Adding to this, I was also given meds to aid sleep because at that point, for days I could not sleep and this was affecting my MH. During this time, I would not even have considered meditation or relaxation because my depression and insomnia required medical intervention.

@New2BPD , I am not sure where you reside, but an important part of my recovery was done in PARCs (prevention and recovery centres). Every few months, I had a 'reset' by attending PARCs. This prevented the need for hospital admissions. PARC consisted of an approximately 4week stay with other residents. Education groups would be run each day to support recovery. Each client is allotted a key worker to work with them during their stay and there is 24 hour support. PARCs played a major role in my recovery. They are government funded, and while you were there, you are seen by a clinician and psychiatrist. Here, it was not only the clinical care which made a difference, but the opportunity to meet other people who also had MH struggles. For the first time in my BPD history, I was able to be myself. I practised communicating my feelings for the first time with other residents. For my entire life, feelings were never spoken about - it was taboo.

I'm not sure if you have any other questions, but without PARCs as a retreat, I would not be here today. For over two years, I worked with my treating team, so that when I knew there was a rough patch coming up, I would be referred to PARC. My last admission to PARC was March this year, and I now, I feel I have come far enough in my recovery not to have to go back. It is now that I can appreciate and work with meditation a lot more.

As my treating team always tell me, it is not wise to start practising meditation when you are in the depths of despair. It is something that you start learning and practising when you are 'well' so that when crisis strikes, you are able to more effectively use the meditation techniques.

I hope this makes sense @New2BPD .

Also, Hugs @BlueBay . I hear you.

BPDSurvivor

@BlueBay ,

Thank you for sharing.

The lack of validation you have highlighted reminds me of my childhood. I never had real friends. I never went to school camps. I never had 'friends' over. I never went to parties. I never spoke about my fears and emotions.

My existence was about being 'good' on the outside.

To this day, I have never been hugged by my mother nor told she loves me.

However, I do not blame anybody for the situation. I cannot change whatever has happened, and I must now work with it to improve my quality of life. I needed to acknowledge my childhood and understand it played a part in my BPD, I so that I could move on and work with my weaknesses.

It has not been an easy road but I have proved it is possible. @BlueBay , Open yourself up to the opportunities which await you. There is recovery.

I am more than ready and willing to ride this out with you @BlueBay .

BPDSurvivor

xxxooo

@BlueBay @New2BPD @Anastasia @Shaz51 @Daisy16