@HoneyOne darling girl my heart is breaking for you being so sick on top of everything else you've had to deal with. I'm one of those people that arrives with chicken soup in times like these and then cleans your toilet while I'm there. That's why it's easier not to have friends, you don't have to keep helping them 🙂
I'm so use to being the one with the answers and the strength. Today I had neither. And I survived.
I sometimes indulge myself with an evening in bed when I get home from work. I tell Mark I've "run out of strong" and he will usually leave me alone for a couple of hours. I think he thinks it's because I've had hard day at the office and I don't disabuse him. That's when life is working normally. Today is my working from home day, but he comes in every 5 minutes to tell me the latest thought that's popped into his head. Last week I went into the office anyway. Actually quite nice when I'm there on my own and my boys are not barking questions or instructions at me.
Dr S has upped the dose of the stabilizers so we live in hope. He really isn't as bad as he was a few weeks ago, I haven't been physically threatened in at least a fortnight. Yesterday he asked me if he'd ever hit me. It's bit shocking to think he doesn't know, but at least he knows he is capable of it, which is a step towards not doing it I think. And no, he hasn't actually gone that far, even when he's been physical.
This friction comes from a place where I don't feel worthy of love.
Seriously, my first primal reaction to that statement is "so? does anybody? are we supposed to?" but then rational me tells me of course we are. Blah blah, self-esteem ............... it's a tricky one.
Like, I know I am really, really (genuinely at a professional level) good at doing a lot of stuff. That doesn't make me likeable, it just makes me a smarty pants. Ergo, most of the stuff that I do I do for other people in the hope that it will make me likeable. The modification I have made in the last couple of years is to not do absolutely everything anyone asks me to do and take my chances. I'm ok with that.
My problem is slightly different to yours in that I am almost too intimately connected to my emotions and the emotions of those around me. If you cry I'm in tears right there with you (or vomit or speak with an accent, both of which present a problem if I'm not careful). I not only take on board the emotional baggage of everyone around me, I have an almost irrisitible urge to try and make it better. I am usually so loaded up with assessing the needs and wants of everyone I've ever met that mine are too faded to see. Rational me doesn't let the outside world see my constant inner turmoil as I behave like a wise and calm doyenne. It's the theatrical training I think.
Do I even have any?
Your last few posts have mentioned very little about you.... your wants, your needs, your dreams for the future.
I need to be able to make the people I love happy. I need to be able to fulfil the wants and dreams of the people I love. UNATTAINABLE OR WHAT?!
Pragmatically, Mark and I are working towards being as close as possible to self-sufficiency by the time I'm old enough to retire (that's the 10 year plan). We are working on ways to store the solar power in alternative ways to chemical batteries. We make our own soap, yoghurt, vinegar, and bread - which is all I can keep up with working a 40 hour week. When I was a stay at home mum (before my divorce) I also made our cheese and pasta - and all our clothes, even hubby's business shirts. We grow all our own vegetables but I have to buy meat, which I do direct from the farm gate in bulk once a month. Cut out the middle man and minimise the food miles.
That is why I'd still like him to live here and be in my life even if we aren't going to be a romantic couple any more. For me, just being friends would take away a whole tier of "what could possibly go wrong".
My immediate (2 to 3 year) goal is to be able to leave the office work behind me and generate a living wage through Celebrancy (almost finished my Cert IV) and Millinery (I have owned racehorses in the past, that's where the market is - racehorse owners & FOTF) .... slow fashion from fast fashion using recycled clothing.
When he is well we really are living the dream. He and I are so like minded about how we want to live making as small an impact on the planet as possible and what we are prepared to sacrifice to make that happen. When he is well, he is the most perfect for me person I have ever met.
What I've noticed with my partner is sometime the most obvious or logical thing eludes him (or the conversation). So when I'm not 100% clear (even when the thing in question is so obvious) it creates friction.
yep yep yep yep yep, although I don't think that's mential illness I think that's the Y chromosome. I have always made a point of trying to be specific and never expecting a male partner to "get it" because I genuinely believe their thought processes are very different from ours. Not better or worse, just different in the same way a Japanese person would view blowing their nose in front of someone similar to how we'd see letting a huge fart rip at the dining table when granny was visiting. There are points of cultural difference between males and females that need to be accounted for.
I was a bit poor me yesterday and I apologise. I do need to sort the sex thing out with him as it's almost three days. He said something yesterday that may or may not have been an answer to my question about choosing but it could also just be something he said sensing I needed reassurance.
I will bring it up soon, but I will pick the moment carefully.
Keep all your chins up, keep hydrated and enjoy the virtual soup that I didn't make you.
Much love,
S xxx
