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@HoneyOne ok so I made a typo.. website is bphope.com and you don't have to subscribe to anything to have access to a lot of good material. She also has a fb page which I follow along with the fb support group.

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He seemed open to that idea, but then a few minutes later I get a torrent of messages saying he's changed so much, he doesn't think he can or wants to change any more.

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I am often told "but you said you didn't want me to change" but he cannot see how diferent he is now to the man who swept me off my widowed feet two years ago.

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predominately me listening to ever thought in his head for hours.

ain't that the truth! Please just shut the eff up! "Yes I understand" does not mean "explain it to me another 3 times".

On a completely different note, I think I know what you're talking about here too. It's a weird sensation for me. Like being touched by a boy going through puberty who's more concerned/excited with what's going on in their own body than their partners.

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I must give him his credit there, no it is not normally like that. Best sex I've ever had - most of the time. He touches me up all the time (at home, not in public), which most of the time is flattering although I do wish it wouldn't happen when I'm trying to get ready for work or I have something in the oven. He is also a stirer, so sometimes it's done just so that I will pull the right facial expression to amuse him.. when things are normal. He knows I have a bit of a phobia about being tickled and I cannot make him understand that laughing when you're tickled is involuntary, it doesn't mean I'm enjoying it. This type of behaviour is ok most of the time, I just have difficulty when he reverts to this 20 minutes after I've been given a severe dressing down. His mood has bounced back but I'm not mentally ill so mine hasn't.

Anyhoo. When he is himself I have never laughed so much and never had such a good physical relationship.

I've come to realise the outrage is actually want I want most but deny myself.

YES YES YES YES YES

Ok so one of the things I explored in therapy last year was why I felt so guilty so much of the time. It turned out that it wasn't really guilt about "the thing" it was guilt about being angry about "the thing". In my 20's i had a really bad temper and worked very hard to develop a lot more self control which took about 20 years. I took that a bit too far and denied myself any self-indulgent righteous indignation, even if it were justified. That's how every man and his dog was able to walk all over me for so long.

That has been under control for a while now - it's only him indoors that I daren't get angry with, but that's because of the probable consequences to my safety, not because I don't feel I have the right to.

Happy to play Sophia to your Dorothy any time, although when I'm single I do tend to lean more towards Blanche.

Had my video appt. with my own psych last night, who can't understand why his doctor hasn't suggested hospital. Maybe they have, but I know he would have to be sedated in a straight jacket to get him back in a hospital. Very early she could tell I was completely burnt out just by looking at me on the app on the phone. I've been given some practical advice that should help me stop trying to manage him alone. I have to be firm, nag if I have to, to get him to action all the medical referrals he's been ignorning for weeks.

I left for work under a stormcloud again this morning, over a trivial misunderstanding that should never have escalated, so I've sent an email asking for a particular boundary that he won't let me talk about in person.. that of being allowed to walk away rather than engage in a fruitless debate.

It's still 3 hours before I have to go home and already I'm getting nervous about it. That's not fair.

Hope you are pain-free ish and keeping your chins up.

Much love

S x

@HoneyOne you ok? I'm ok.

Hey @SJT63

I've been thinking about you. Thanks for checking in.

My pain has been improving. The endonotist believes is a muscular problem. The longer I'm experiencing the pain, the more I'm agreeing with him. It's been really stressful and when I get stressed I hold a lot of tension in my body.

Things haven't gotten much better on the home front.

My partner and I have had another weekend of arguments.

What seems to start out as a minor thing gets blown out of proportion.

This argument started when I asked him if he wanted to have more children? He never answered what he actually wants but managed to list of a bunch of things that I would need to change if I wanted kids with him. When I pointed that he's made a list of what's 'wrong' with me currently, he did apologise.

That was on the way to a massage, to deal with all the tension in my body.

When he picked me up from the massage, I noticed he had put his jacket on the passenger seat. When I queried why his jacket was on the seat, he made up a story about wanting me to have a nice comfortable seat. The story was odd.

Once I realised the seat was wet, and queried him, then he tells me he had the car detailed and the stain remover on the seat was still wet.

When I asked why he lied, there was no explanation. Just avoidance. He claims he didn't lie, he 'deflected'.

It's a nice car, there is no need for a jacket. Why the jacket was on the seat was NOT for my welfare, it was for him to avoid me getting upset about a wet seat.

I wouldn't have gotten upset about a wet seat. His ex would have. The 'deflection' is a learned behaviour.

However, I feel really unsafe when he lies to me, which he does regularly. It might be something little or it might be something big. But it just leaves me questioning what's real in the relationship and if I am putting myself in an unsafe situation.

We've started reading a good book on Attachement, called Attached. It's very well written and seems to make a lot of sense. I identify as anxious-avoidant. My partner says he believes he's anxious-attached, but honestly, he's also anxious-avoidant.

Only a small % of the population is anxious-avoidant. To have two people with it in a relationship + Bipolar.....

I've said to him that we need to deal with the attachment issue as a crisis to our relationship. He's current strategy is to tell me I have a 'perception' problem. That if I can just see things as he does, there is no problem. He does so much for me, loves me so much, I just need to see that.

I've called 'BS'! My position is the attachment issue is a real thing, not a question of perception.

On top of all this, he tells me he's going to ask his medicating psychiatrist to reduce his medication so he can feel more like himself.

My partner has recently started seeing another psychiatrist for some psychoanalysis. This psychiatrist mentioned the additional medication, a mood stabiliser, the medicating psychiatrist wants to put him on is too strong.

Firstly, the medicating psychiatrist is a top Bipolar expert. Secondly, I don't know if the second psychiatrist actually said this or not. If he did, it's very dangerous to start making these types of recommendations after a couple of sessions. Particularly when you're not an EXPERT in this field.

So this morning I booked a flight back to my home town (near you) for Friday.

After booking my flight, my partner and I spoke for 2.5 hours. It's just exhausting!

If he doesn't agree to treating the attachment issue seriously, I pack and fly on Friday.

It feels like I've been running a marathon.

Following the 2.5 hour chat, he had a call with his medicating psychiatrist. With all the arguments, my partner told me I wasn't invited on the call. I could hear him on the phone, telling the Dr that everything had been fine....

The Dr mentioned I had written an email to him saying everything was NOT fine. Then the Dr asked for my opinion on how things are now. So then my partner asks me to attend the call also.

I expressed my concerns for the lead up to the hotel stay to the Dr.

The Dr was very good and directly the conversation back onto getting the medication right as the priority. Which I agree with, when the medication is effective, we have little problems between us.

So things are progressing. I have no idea if this relationship is viable?

My work is suffering, my health is suffering.

These men are all consuming and I'm really tired of it.

I did get my hair blowdried and I did get a massage.

How are YOU going? I'm actually more interested in you.

How is the sewing going?

xx

@HoneyOne

we have had a much quieter couple of days than in a long time. There was flying on Sunday but this time we got up a little earlier than usual (2:45) in the hope of getting them on the road by 4 - but Alex had left his shoes at mum's so there was a half hour lost while dad ranted about everything that's happed to him in the last 30 years before I finally waved them goodbye at 4:30 - which is a record by the way.

I am stupid busy at work because I really didn't do much of anything last week, I'm going to take 2 of the days I sat here doing nothing as leave when I do the next pay run. We're a very small engineering practice in the inner north and don't have a website. However, I know I must have been below par for a bit because 2 weeks ago I got a bad review on google for being unresponsive. I have no idea who this "Nancy" was but apparantly the Office Lady caused interruptions to her project through not being "pro-active"... whatever that means.... as the regulars know, I can wave files at the boys until I'm blue in the face but I can't make them open their calculators. Delighted she won't be recommending us because it's the jobs we do for private individuals that always cause us the most angst.....

....but Mark and I appear to have settled a bit - new meds starting to have an effect I think. He is still going off but not for as long and not as often - we got back in the sack on Friday, without it ending in tears, which is always a good sign. I have discovered that I can say things in emails that I couldn't get away with in person. When I say things in person he becomes very distressed and withdraws, but in an email he has the afternoon to process and think about what I've said.

We could NEVER talk for 2 1/2 hours about proper stuff but he can talk at me for that time about politics or his ex or the flying club or astronomy or architecture or his boats or his other ex or politics or politics or politics or the garden or politics.

It is always minor things that blow out of proportion, so bolstered by Julie Fast's book I have told him (via email) that I will no longer engage when the illness starts ranting about something inconsequential. When we are both calm I will then discuss the issue with him, if it is an issue. I gave it a shot on Saturday when he couldn't find the on/off switch on the new torch which led to the "poor design" rant (this one is very popular, but not as popular as the "bad phone software" rant). I refused to be drawn into the begging and promising and apologizing that I normally do to try and placate him. I ignored it.

48 hours later I told him that seeing as I'd bought a total now of 4 torches for him in the quest to find one that was suitable perhaps he might think of looking himself because I had done my best. Of course, I was the one who'd wasted 48 hours worrying about the sodding torch. Another lesson.

Anyway - a lot more study required on the attachment matrix before I could comment - sometimes life is sooooo complicated....

I have a wet seat moment - one morning a couple of months ago I went around his side of the bed to kiss him goobye. He is usually up by the time I leave. "Oh", I said, "I see you opened the choc chips during the night, it's a bugga when you run out of proper chocolate". I did not say it with any malice and I actually found it quite amusing - saved me baking that night - but you would have thought I'd insulted his mother the way the dogs of war were unleashed on me for daring to go around to his side of the bed in the first place.

It was guilt, pure and simple. I have also come to realise that the most personal attacks he makes on me are when he is feeling either guilt or embarassment. The negative emotion is too overwhelming for is exhausted neurotransmiters to process in the way the majority would. The other one he can't handle is frustration. On any level. His main triggers are when he can't find something or when the internet is too slow.

I'm home again now, so no time to sew. School hols and a house full of hungry young men. Emotionally I think I'm getting my breath back, time to stop whinging to anyone who'll listen and get the eff on with it again.. perhaps... it only takes one good night's sleep to get me back on track and I slept last night so I feel like a million bucks today.

The only time I am ever criticized is when he is in the middle of a full-blown manic angry episode. When Mark is Mark he begs me not to change, because it is my capacity to love, forgive, sacrifice and be patient that keeps us together in the first place.

A big step to fly home - would it be permanent? If you are young enough to be considering children then maybe you should let go. Under 40 and nearly 60 are very different places in life but I'm not going to make a judgement call because many have told me I should leave this relationship, even on here. You sound like I felt 2 weeks ago. As my old mum used to say "these things too shall pass".

There are quite a few younger partners of BP men on the fb support page Bipolar Friends/Family/Carers Support Group Australia so that might be helpful for you if you are on fb. Similar rules to this site, but I find it easier to navigate. I guess fb is a bit "old school" now.

and I've really gotta get some work done

much love S

@HoneyOne I know decorum suggests I should wait for your reply before I write another but something happened last night that left me really, really unsettled.

Background: You're probably aware that increased libido can be a warning sign in them, hard to spot in mine because he has always had an appetite and that actually suits me. Not a problem. He came to me with a lot more experience and skill than I'd gleened from my two long-term relationships. It was a delightful revelation at 56 years of age to learn that it was about the journey not their destination. I always felt I couldn't live up to what he would need from a physical partner. He has always assured me I can.

We have talked before about all the detritus left on the bed that I have to carefully relocate if/when I want to come to bed. Less of a problem when I go to bed first, as I usually do.

The statistics: in the last 12 weeks, 14 attempts (low for us) and only 6 have been brought to a successful outcome, the other 8 have ended with him losing his temper and me almost in tears. He didn't touch me at all the first week I was back from my "holiday" then, as I said, we broke the ice last weekend and all seemed back on track.

Immediate background: I know I have become less alluring this year. Locked down from March until June - and since he has been here more than at home there have been more "bad for you" foods at my house than ever before. I cook very healthy, nutritionally balanced meals, but with the teenagers around portion sizes have increased. Enough said. A couple of his favoured positions are now more difficult which is one of the things that has derailed him recently.

With this in mind, and bearing in mind the amount of drama there was developing around our sex life, I brought it up last week (before the successful rumpy). I told him that one of the things I'd been overthinking was how I was letting him down in that way. I said that while apart I had come to the laughable conclusion that, knowing I was inadequate, I could cope with him looking elsewhere for fulfillment provided women were not brought back to my house.

We both agreed I had been overthinking. He was effusive in his reassurance that I was everything he'd ever needed or wanted in a partner. He loved me, how could he think of wanting anyone else?

Last night: I am aware men like porn. I do too sometimes. I am aware he goes solo quite often, as a lot of men do. Last night, one of the things he had left out in the open on our (MY) bed was a list of his preferred usernames and the webcam sites on which they could be found.

Was that an oversight or a message to me?

Hi @SJT63

Please know you can always write and I'll do my best to get back to you. No need to wait between messages.

Today is my first day where I don't feel under a massive amount of stress.

I hope if I provide highlights my journey it might be helpful with your situation.

As you know, the last 3 weeks have been filled with massive upheaval, for me.

There has been a complete breakdown in communication between my partner and I. We were both getting really nasty/hurtful with each other. Conversation had turned into point scoring boxing bouts.

Honestly, has been exhausting.

When my partner was in the hotel for a week, I booked him an appointment with his medicating psychiatrist for Monday this week (first appointment I could get).

My partner previously consulted with his doc late Aug as a result of my pushing. He was prescribed an additional mood stabilisers, but a problem with the GP meant it they didn't received the referral and refuse to prescribe it.

So we had massive chaos, massive. The only way I can actually tolerate all the is because I am strong and have previous experience with massive chaos in childhood.

The best way I could describe it is I couldn't bear to be around my partner for at least 60% of the day. Neither of us has an office to go to so that's a lot of hours.

I couldn't pin point what I was feeling so 'off' to me. Everything was...

Anyway, I had a grant application due on Wednesday 5pm and I didn't get it done. I can't tell you how guttered I was. This was the final stage... just guttered.

My partner had been telling me over and over that he didn't want to hear about my emotions so when he came to me to see how I was feeling about missing the grant deadline, there was no desire in me to communicate with him.

He said things like... he's at his best in a crisis, he wanted to be there for me..... blah.

I did my best not to put up a wall but I made it very clear I will no longer be engaging in any activities where he comes to me with emotional disturbance (high or low moods).

I ask him to leave.

He left the apartment, didn't messages, and I didn't reach out to him either.

We had a standing appointment with a third party for the following day. I turned up because I decided I need to start maintaining a regular routine, ie do what I planned to do.

He also turns up. Tells me he slept in the car in the garage of the apartment block. When I asked why he didn't go to a hotel (the one that is 5 mins walk from our apartment), he said he wanted to be nearby if I called.

This was just random non-sense, but you know, the same kind of non-sense I had been dealing with for months now.

Then we went our separate ways.

I had already planned to catch up with a really lovely lady that has known my partners family for decades and twice dated my partners brother. She knows all the players, she's kind/caring, insightful, experienced and direct. Just my kind of lady.

I asked her to tell me everything she knows. I asked her to tell me her experience of the family dynamic.... I asked her for her advice.

I was completely honest with her about what the last 2 years has been like. She didn't flinch. She didn't make excuses. She shared. She summarised. She provided great suggestions.

During the day, I had agreed to meet with my partner for dinner at a restaurant that night. We sat down and then I went straight into what I had discussed with that friend for 4 hours! 4 hours! Can you believe.

I was the most honest and direct I have ever been.

My partner was actually listening, responding, sharing. Like a 'healthy' person would. I could have passed out. This was the kind of conversation I had been gently prodding then fighting for. And here it was. So I maintained my cool but continued to keep the whole conversation focused on the drama we had going on.

We went home and we shared more...

Really it was like night and day to how the last few months have been.

I would love to be able to tell you, I was able to crack the code that made him be able to communicate. But what I think has happened.. he's either in a good phase of his cycle. OR more likely, he's just started taking the additional mood stabiliser and that's turned down the bipolar symptoms.

So let me tell you about the medication review appt.

5 mins before the call with the doc was to commence, I asked if I was allowed to join. I received so sort of tirade about not being welcome.

I was in the room next door so I could he my partner's side of the conversation. He's telling the doc everything is fine, going well.

Unbeknownst to my partner, I had actually sent an email to the doc outlining the issues with very clear specifics.

On the call, the doc tells my partner about my email and wants to get my feedback. I'm then invited to the call. My words are coming quickly, I'm jumping all over the place because I'm desperate for this guy to help.

The doc cuts through all the 'noise' from my partner and I. He says...let's continue with our plan for the additional medication and check back in next week.

I had all sorts of questions and requests of the doc, but he said his focus is getting the medication right and seeing 'what's left' to resolve.

My partner and I both agreed, so my partner started taking the additional medication on Tuesday.

By Thursday night, we were able to have a proper conversation.

My partner and I spoke about the experience with this doc. Firstly, remember I said he is the top doc for this stuff. Also the number 1 cited academic in Australia. This guy does not muck around. He's calm, smart and direct.

My partner is smart, stubborn and unwell. I am smart, stubborn and pushy.

This doc is able to put us both in our box and get us to comply with his directions.

A bloody miracle if you ask me.

My partner and I spoke about this over dinner. My partner mentioned he thought the doc didn't listen to what was being said. I said what I said above. Then my partner agreed and saw a similarity to someone who'd assisted him with a business problem in the same way. 'I know the plan, don't get distracted with your non-sense, let's stick to the plan.'

So back to you, my dear, I think your partner is acting out. I think he's testing you. I think he's unwell. I think it's likely your partner and my partner do the same thing... behave to draw you back in, then act out.

I'm not sure how the next few weeks/months will go with my partner.

This is what I do know:

- I will no longer engage when there are significant mood variations

- I will reach out to his med doc and ask for a med review if there are mood variations

- I will leave if I don't continue to see progress in his moods (and our relationship)

I actually can't continue in this relationship without significant improvement. My body won't allow it (it's currently the jaw pain).

Another point to note, my friend said over and over that I need to know my worth and not to go 'backwards' in this relationship (which I have been). Financially this is a big problem.

But she is absolutely right. I need to know I can do better than dealing with this chaos.

The whole situation made me feel like I'm going crazy. It's not me! I'm reacting in an irractional way though. But I'm also not a expert. Nor do I want to become one. I was a joyful, pleasant life.

When this are stable, they are amazing. So let's see how the next few weeks go.

For you, get the BEST medicating doctor you can find. Ensure you are in the loop from day one. Be honest with the doc, even when you think you are overstepping the mark. But this overstepping should be restricted to the medication to help him get stable in himself. You can't be expected to pick up all the other pieces; it's just too much because they create the chaos.

I hope this is helpful.

Keep me posted please.

xx

@saltandpepper

Please see my post above which outlines my boundaries.

Now I need to stay firm with them.

I know that if I can stay away from the emotional rollercoaster, I can keep my brain switched on and make smart decisions.

Thank you again,

Jo

@HoneyOne

Hello poppet, I do hope things are continuing to improve your end. We have had a few more rational days but Sunday he went flying early again (miracle of miracles without a drama) and didn't take any morning meds (I got them on the road by 3:30 this time, which was his preference). They were having a good day on the field so didn't arrive home again until about 2pm.. having not taken any meds! The results became apparent later.

He's good with evening meds unless he's really depressed and won't eat. He won't take them on an empty stomach you see. Morning ones I call him at about 10am to get him to eat a couple of biscuits or a sandwich I've made him and he takes them then. I didn't think to pack them in the picnic but I will in future. The standard BP drug he takes morning and evening is fine to miss one, but this new one to fight the mania I notice if he skips it. Night-time we do blood pressure meds (both of us) and his anti-D as well as the other 2.

Anyhoo... let's go back a few days.

I wrote to you on the Thursday morning after my sleepless Wednesday night where I’d found the list. Usernames of women and a couple of websites where they could be found. Next to one of the very provocative names was “6/10/20 9:30am” and I was livid to think he had time to make an appointment with a sex worker and not the psychologist that his medicating psych has been nagging him to see. (med psych, Dr S, very good indeed btw)

However, I later realised that the appointment is at the boy’s school to see the maths teacher. Notwithstanding my obvious error, the list is the list and it wasn’t made for no good reason. I also don’t believe it was left in view by accident, as something as covert as that he would be careful with if he weren’t trying to make a point.

The point was made. I ruminated and overthought and had the odd fits of pique or panic and decided to take it as a hint and, once again, made an effort to modify my behaviour. If he was telling me I wasn’t receptive of compliant enough in that regard I would take it on board so when he came at me with all hands on deck on Friday afternoon I played along. It came to a mutually beneficial conclusion and I thought I was out of the woods.

Until Sunday. All day Saturday I had been playful and obliging when he touched me, but the day before flying he was far too busy. A lot of the time he does it just to see which face I will make. Sunday afternoon again I didn’t resist or swat his hands away. Sunday, early evening after the boys had gone home he invited me in for a cuddle. 10 minutes into it the cat hissed at him when he nudged it out of the way and five minutes after that I’m being berated because the mossies are bad outside and how the eff is he expected to stay here all summer if I don’t either do something about them or let him smoke inside.

After another 15 minutes I get the tap on the shoulder and I’m told his mood is better again. I kid you not. I try again but this time I’m doing it wrong (it wasn’t wrong the last 15 times but hey, I have mentioned that one of my biggest issues is that he keeps changing the rules of the game).

I’m going to email him about about this tomorrow. I can’t talk to him about anything unpleasant as he will completely shut down, not listen and get depressed. Obviously if the amount of mental concentration required to make love to me is such that one noise from the cat and he loses his manhood… well… we’ve got problems. I’ve got problems. I always thought I wouldn’t be able to sustain my appeal in that area. When we first met he hadn’t had a girlfriend since his divorce 12 years prior so any warm body would have done, now he’s tired of me I think. Now I worry that it’s just my nice piece of real estate and the excellent cooking that he stays for.

He woke up swinging again this morning because I hadn’t put the clothes away properly. (I’m the one with the job, put your own effing clothes away). Woke me up from a deep sleep at 5:15 (on a public holiday) because his socks were still in the clean basket and not in the drawer. He usually does the wash but never puts anything away; piles it up in the bedroom for me. So I have put all my dirty washing in the sewing room and advised him I will wash my own things and he can do whatever he likes with his. That’s petty, isn’t it? I know, I hate being like that.

On the upside I’d cleaned the kitchen, bathroom, toilet and swept the whole house by 7:30am. I did some sewing before lunch, and then some invoicing I ran out of time for at work on Friday.

I’ve made sure he’s taken all his pills today.

His phone has been pinging with text messages non-stop today. It’s not a public holiday everywhere, maybe she doesn’t realise I’m home? He is carrying it around in his pocket today and he never does that, otherwise I’d be checking. It is really eating my heart out to think he is looking elsewhere, even if it is only online. I reckon cyber cheating is still cheating.

Is it? Am I being too harsh?

My imposter syndrome is out of control and I need a good cry.

I realise the above is a little thing, but it’s the avalanche of little things that wear you down. The new meds are helping because he is not losing it as often, for as long or as violently. He sees Dr S again on Thursday and I’ll email her my report the day before.

Honestly, this week has been better, just the bedroom thing is getting me down at the moment.

I’m also going to tag you in another thread that I found you might like.

Love S

@WinstonOBoogie

checking in to see how you are going.

@HoneyOne

I really feel like he's cheating on me, just not in person with anyone yet. I've been reading about bipolar hypersexuality and I'm pretty sure that's what's going on. Last night he had a hissy fit because he was having trouble cutting out the carbon fibre strips for the tailplane leading edges straight enough - then I reckon faked an upset stomach so that he could barrade himself in the bedroom - before dinner. I could hear his phone pinging non-stop and he never, ever leaves it lying around any more, so I slept in the boys' room.

One of my least favourite but regular games used to be "where is my phone - no point calling it, it's flat" but now it's never out of his pocket. The fact that he hasn't lost his phone or left it in the model room charging overnight for about a fortnight is the biggest tell.

He sees his doctor today and I've prewarned her that while the moods are not as violent or as long lasting, they are probably still as frequent. I also filled her in on the love life in case it helps her. All I really need her to do is press home the point that he needs to see the psychologist again - and make up her own mine if we are still waiting to see the full effect of the new med.

I finally did write to Mark yesterday about the physical side of our relationship. I have no idea if he's read it, but I rather fancy not yet given that he was relatively brazen about phone out/pants off/door shut last night. It's too long to reproduce in it's entirety, but I started with the scientific approach:

If you want statistics; well you know my penchant for record keeping

In the last 14 weeks we have tried 17 times for only 7 successful outcomes. That means 10 times out of the 17 (60%) that we have tried to make love it has ended with you getting upset about some inconsequential thing that has gone a little bit wrong and then having a go at me about something unrelated. I don't complain or criticise you when it hasn’t worked out yet many times over I have been told that trying to make love me with me is a waste of your time.

I think you are right; and can you please try to understand why the process has become a source of anxiety for me rather than pleasure?

I explained how the last few encounters we'd had were overshadowed by the fact that he'd left the list out and that I'd tried really hard to be more receptive as a result but that it still ended badly. The list explained why he was getting so furious with me if I accidentally caught him at it. I said it was eating away at me such that I couldn't keep silent. I then asked him to decide what the nature of our relationship moving forward was going to be.

I see us happily growing old together but I need to know if we are moving forward as lovers or as friends. I am always going to want to be your friend, whatever you decide, so you are in no danger of being turfed out on your ear if you choose to find intimacy elsewhere.

However, you do need to choose. I am not going to devalue myself enough to say it’s ok for you to sleep around and still sleep with me but I do understand if trying to sleep with me has become too hard.

If we are just friends, then you don’t need to hide anything from me, because you will have no commitment to be faithful to me in that way. Neither of us need to feel ashamed or guilty.

Don’t answer immediately. Don’t go with your gut reaction. Please spend time working out what you really want for our future. Think about why you are with me. If you can still stay at my house and enjoy the garden, the shed and my cooking, do you still want a physical relationship with me?

If it is as stressful for you as it is for me, then please say so because at the moment I believe we are both going through agony trying to make our sex life work.

The bit about "not devaluing myself" came from you. So thank you. I really don't think I can be more fair or compassionate than that.

I've had a couple of text messages today because he wants me to make a 20 minute detour on my way home to pick up a metre of 2mm thin walled brass tubing on my way home. St Sally the Martyr to the rescue one again. I bet sexy_luna69 wouldn't go out of her way to buy modelling supplies and then still come home and cook dinner. Although I've just realised I forgot to get some meat out of the freezer this morning...and I gave him carbonara last night because I'd forgotten to get something out of the freezer yesterday.

Something with pumpkin it is then... tempura veg fritters? We grow all our own veg so there's always plenty of that. Stupid me brought home a tomato seedling last October for my aspy boyfriend in the hope he might get a bit of exercise during the day and now the entire back yard and most of the front is under cultivation.

Now I'm waffling. Sorry.

Hoo roo