I need to get past this. It's too much.

We all know therapy, medication and self care is important. There are in between times we just need to get our worries out there and just be people who have problems like most other people.

I've been on re-curring thoughts trip again. I don't understand why it's happening? I wish I could understand so I could help myself.

Some of my background. Abusive childhood with severe neglect and abandonment. A sister with a learning disability. The only person in my family I would help. We have no contact sadly. I've had a horrific life. Walked away completely last year. Have no known family at all.

I don't know whether I'm processing trauma or if I'm feeling my sister? I'm not sure? I'm an empath and highly sensitive. I sometimes sense when someone wants me, is in pain, is trying to reach out but in the past when I've gone to help I've got severely hurt. This time I'm hesitant to reach out.

My sister was abused too. It's only now that I am beginning to understand her behaviours and why she behaves like she does. What my mother did was disgusting. Obviously my sister and I are different people and handled what she did differently.

My mother always chose men over us. We were abandoned. My mother and father seperated for the final time when I was about 16. I left home not long after. I'm still trying to process leaving. That left my little sister with my mom. She inflicted the same on my sister when it came to men. It was definitely like she despised motherhood, we were in the way.

I remember one particular man she was with for years. Long story but I wasn't living at home anymore. By this stage I'd developed a drug and alcohol problem. My sister was neglected for years and not included unless my mother decided she was. I saw my sister's pain and I felt powerless. I had my own pain. Oh gosh, did I develop a deep hatred towards my mother. I wanted to be violent towards her. I wanted to hit her and smash her to pieces.

Nowadays my sister is manipulative, controlling, and very punishing. It's so toxic that Ok had nothing left to do but leave. I tried for many years to tell my sister, counselling would be a great option. I told my sister that it wasn't about her being a problem, it was talking about things that really hurt her in life.

My asshole of a mother has her convinced something is wrong with her. That she needs to be on medication. That she needs help. That my sister is abusing her. Everything but looking at what caused my sister to become this way. I want to take my sister away. The thing is my sister even resents me. Anyone that hers my mother's time is resented, excepted the person that caused her damage.

My mother is/was a very sick woman. She would betray her own children and not just for men. So the last two days, I have wanted to contact my sister. I have not. I've stopped myself. I've worked damn hard these last ten months. I tried to bring my family back together for many years, until the many pennies dropped last year and I cut all contact. My mother hadn't changed when it comes to men.

People enable her. Whenever my mother needs a place to live and can't find anywhere, she ends up in my sister's garage. The thing is their relationship will always be toxic, until one of them says enough and goes to get help. I also thought if I leave, they do not have me anymore which means they have to at some point look at themselves. I also left because it was best for me.

I don't know if my mother has a mental illness, she was never diagnosed with anything. Definitely something is wrong with her though. I know from 34 years of abuse that something is wrong. The questions I have are many. Right now though I just don't know what actions to take and how to alleviate some of my pain.

At some point and over time I will share some more of my story.