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?Hi, I'm new , I have just joined and I have no idea what I am doing. Just to fill you in on me , I suffer from an ABI (acquired brain injury) , this is a result of a car accident which my wife of 25 years died. After 2 years I got together with another lady and she died of cancer after 4 years together. The accident was in 1997 , some might say that is a long time ago, sure it was, but I was driving the car and I miss my wife every day. I don't know how to build a bridge and get over it , so I'm just donig some work in an aged care facility to feel a bit better about myself and look after someone because I can't look after my wife.
@Malcolm, how sad, my heart aches for you, so much loss. I lost a hubby (to mental illness), a teenage daughter to asthma & two pregnancies. Its the senseless guilt that hurts us most. Not that knowing my pain helps you accept the knowing that you are not alone in grief. People hide it but its everywhere. Hand to task & being kind with yourself helps. You ought to be commended for helping in the aged care facility, I still find it hard to be out in public. Just do the best you can, one day at a time, that's all you can do.
In response to: new person
pipSenior Contributor
Re: new person
Hi Malcolm. I'm sorry for your losses. Losing one wife would've been devastating, losing a second wow. It sounds as though you blame yourself for the accident which claimed your wife. Even if you were to blame, would your wife actually blame you or would she accept it for what it was, a tragic accident? It's only been 19 years, since then you remarried. You had 4 years with second wife. You've actually had 30 good years with two wonderful wives. Do you have family that help you when the going gets a bit too rough. Perhaps grief counselling might be good too. No matter how long you've been widowed, grieving is a personal issues. There is no set limit time-wise for grief. Some people seem to 'bounce' back overnight. Some people never really say 'goodbye'. You may also have some anger that you haven't dealt with. Anger over losing two wives, one you possibly self-blame the second, because you couldn't prevent her death. Both deaths would make you feel helpless and angry. You miss both wives and you haven't dealt with the pain. Working in aged care is great, but when you go home what do you do? I suggest you see a Dr for referral to a grief counsellor to give you some coping strategies and also give you some outlet for the frustration that I hear. If what I've said hurts, please accept my apologies, I don't mean to upset you, but I really feel you need to grieve. Don't block out what you feel anger/frustration, the helplessness of knowing you couldn't prevent either of your wives dying. I know I'd be pretty angry if my hubby died and I couldn't have prevented it.
In response to: Re: new person
MalcolmCasual Contributor
Re: new person
Hi Pip, I did not marry the second lady because I am still married to my first and only wife. Sure my Doctor suggested grief counseling but that just turned into a verbal jousting match. That is because before my wife passed away I was in charge of 8 counselors and I have studied a bit of psychology so I know how they operate. But I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep marching on.
In response to: Re: new person
MalcolmCasual Contributor
Re: new person
Thank you for your kind words, and I am deeply sorry for your loss. No one should have to bury their children , so my heart goes out to you, and you are in my prayers.
In response to: Re: new person
AppleblossomSenior Contributor
Re: new person
Sorry @Malcolm
but you did make me laugh when you described your position prior to your accident.
Counselling can be good but only goes so far.
I suspect most of the people diagnosed with MI these days are suffering one form of grief or another. You would already know about the grief issues of ABI and the loss of your former self, as well as income position self concept etc etc.
When I visited my mother in palliative care in an aged care facility for 9 months, I really enjoyed relating to the other residents. Due to my neck disability I finally felt safe as none of the people there were likely to make vigorous movements around me and set off spasms in me. So I could relax and it helped me heal a little. I hope you find it healing too.
I had a piano student who lost his leg and wife and son in a car crash ... it is horrendous how in foul swoop so much can be destroyed. he did not have the burden of being the driver .. as his son was driving them home from a family holiday.
Hearing another person's story does not relieve the loads we carry but does help reduce aloneness.
So glad you have joined the forum
Apple
In response to: Re: new person
MalcolmCasual Contributor
Re: new person
Thank you for your kind words, and I am deeply sorry for your loss. No one should have to bury their children , so my heart goes out to you, and you are in my prayers.
In response to: new person
Unknown userMember
Re: new person
Dr Phil says death is not the end of a relationship but the beginning of a spiritual relationship. I think you feel that. Unfortunately there's no 'getting over it' the experience has changed us, we create our new normal, try stay connected to others, and I have hope they watch over us & we'll all be together again some day.
Can i ask you how the ABI has affects you, your daily living?
In response to: Re: new person
pipSenior Contributor
Re: new person
Hi Malcolm. Please excuse my misunderstanding. I assumed you had remarried. Perhaps though, I was right in assuming you do carry some guilt feelings for the accident. That would be perfectly normal. You did have 30 years happiness thought, even though you were only married once. You did have 4 years happiness with another partner (if that's the right terminology). With any sort of counselling, a lot of the time they do appear to encourage jousting. That is because they need you to talk about how you're feeling, coping etc. Losing anyone is hard, dealing with the grief, and the often insensitive remarks by seemingly sympathetic people when all you want to do is scream 'why her'. As I said before you've only been alone a short time, you obviously had a great marriage. Perhaps talking to your wife, tell her you miss her, her laughter, her anger, her tears. Have conversations with her, as if she's still there. My neighbor's hubby died 4 years ago, she still berates him, misses him, tell him how much she loves him. She has only recently forgiven him for leaving her. They were married 54 years, 3 children (grown-up). She is still married to him, will be for the rest of her life. Your wife is in your heart, keep her there acknowledge her presence. Don't think because she has passed, she's no longer there, she will be there as long as you want.
In response to: Re: new person
MalcolmCasual Contributor
Re: new person
Thankyou for your lovely words and I know she is with me and that is why I will never marry again. I still love her but she has allowed me to love others if I need to. So thankyou
In response to: Re: new person
MalcolmCasual Contributor
Re: new person
Hi, that is a very good question. In answering it I will tell you some facts, my eldest daughter (40) does not talk to me because she blames me for her mothers death, the police stated that the accident was just that an accident. Since the accident I have never laughed ( that is a belly laugh) , I live alone, I do not have any friends (all my friends left because they could not handle my wife's death).I am very serious about most things and look at the worst case scenario in most things. I do not care if I live or die but I will not put myself in danger purposely. And I get very lonley sometimes and think why, life is not supposed to be like this.
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