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Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

depression101Senior Contributor03 Aug 2016, 9:40 am AEST

Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

I am diagnosed wuth complex majir depression.

I have hurt my wife (mental stress to her) and she has left me.

This made me face upto my illness, but she insisr she has lost her live.

Everyone tells me I have to just accept that. Ok but its not.

Im 62, married 3 times, I love my wife.
I csnt stop this feeling and realky dont want to.

She is beautiful perdon, I made it to hard for her.

I want to communicate but get told not to.

Thatd tearing me apart.

51 replies

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In response to: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

utopiaSenior Contributor06 Aug 2016, 3:17 pm AEST

Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

At least you can see where things went wrong @depression101. Now you can work on those areas. Maybe talk to a counselor about them. Mens HelpLine might be good to talk with until you can get in to see a psychologist.
We have all done things that at the time we thought was right or okay to do. In hindsight, we can regret them. The aim is not to repeat past mistakes but to learn from them. Don't beat yourself up over them. Just keep trying to improve. You will get there.

In response to: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

Unknown userMember07 Aug 2016, 10:20 am AEST

Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

Its not easy I love my husband but feel like I am currently living with a stranger. Both of us suffer depression but I get the added bonus of anxiety attacks with PTSD. I am starting to shut down to the nasty words that are coming out of his mouth along with the physical. I would never want anything to happen to him just like your wife and I can understand both sides of your story. I am sorry for your pain but as a person on the receiving end sometimes its easier to say we dont love you to protect ourselves.

In response to: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

depression101Senior Contributor18 Oct 2016, 3:24 pm AEDT

Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

Hi, im very stressed about my marriage.
People tell me to let go as my wife tells me she doesnt love me anymore.
She left me 6 mths ago and I have 2 serious suicide attempts. Trying to die to make sure she can get my superannuation.

This weekend I fly back to her to help move hhouse.

Im so much in love but she jnsists we are not going to work.

We will be driving back to perth takjng a week for the trip.

I dont know if I can takd being with her but not being her husband.

Advise please.

In response to: Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

pipSenior Contributor18 Oct 2016, 3:48 pm AEDT

Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

Hi @depression101. You seem to be 'flogging a dead horse here' as the saying goes. You want the marriage, but she doesn't. How long have you been married and, if I can ask, why did she leave? It hurts like Hell when our partners/spouses leave, especially when we still love them. Spending time with them to try to rekindle seems pointless as one-sided love is just that: one-sided. Are you alone now or do you have someone with you. When you admit to attempting suicide, you need support to help you get through this dark, lonely time. I think, I would be extremely hesitant in spending time with someone who obviously doesn't return my feelings. It almost sounds as though she's using your feelings against you. Perhaps, distancing yourself at this time and seeing a counsellor to help you work through your pain would be beneficial rather than spending time with someone who doesn't return your love. Letting go is hard, but necessary in this case. I'm concerned about you helping her move house, spending a week with her, knowing at the end, she's going to say goodbye rather than want to continue the week. The longer time you spend with her, the harder it's going to be returning to your home. Have a re-think about what's best for you.

In response to: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

depression101Senior Contributor18 Oct 2016, 4:06 pm AEDT

Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

I decided a while ago that if we couldnt make it together then I knew only obe of us could survive with security.

She will be the one to survive.

We cant be financially sustsinabls so im insistant she will be cared for.
Call it my last gift of love.

In response to: Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

PeppiPattySenior Contributor18 Oct 2016, 4:06 pm AEDT

Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

hello @depression101

Just reading your story....I really like what @pip has written : especially :

It almost sounds as though she's using your feelings against you. Perhaps, distancing yourself

I'm wondering if you could focus on maybe a hobby or the local news or your friends or family ?

Maybe this will let the feelings of unrequited love lesson a little. You show great maturity to me. When I have had this in my life, no way would I be able to write like you have.

In response to: Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

pipSenior Contributor18 Oct 2016, 4:51 pm AEDT

Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

@depression101. You obviously have a huge capacity to love. Please do not let your wife's refusal to accept and return your love stop you from living. You have known love, you will know it again, maybe not for a while, but because you have an enormous heart, there is another person out here who will return your affection. Please contact lifeline or your nearest suicide help line. Lifeline has counsellors ready to listen and support you through this darkness. Also Beyond Blue has counsellors ready to offer support. Please, don't feel as though you have nothing left in life, I know how hard it is to lose someone you adore, but you've reached out here, that tells me you don't really wish to end your life. You feel right now that you do - yes, but I promise you, that feeling is not ongoing. PeppiPatty made some good suggestions like focussing on a hobby or re-connecting with family. Perhaps instead of making this journey with your wife, you should try to re-connect with family or someone who can offer support.

In response to: Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

Unknown userMember18 Oct 2016, 4:56 pm AEDT

Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

Hi @depression101,

I can hear that you are feeling stresed and perhaps overwhelmed with the current situation with your wife, it is very hard to be in love with someone who is no longer in love with us.

@pip has raised a good point here in asking or posing what is best for you in this situation. You have mentioned having 2 serious suicide attempts and seem to have made a decision about ending your life in order for your wife to recieve your superannuation pay out. There is no doubt that separation can be hard financially as well as emotionally and it can be extremely hard to see a future beyond the relationship, however this does not mean that the situation cannot change. I'm wondering if you spoke to someone about what you are thinking at the moment if you may change your perspective on things. You mentioned in a pervious post that you believed you would benefit from seeing a psychologist but it was a 6 week wait. Did you end up putting your name down for some support?

@PeppiPatty raises some good points here to. Perhaps it would be good for you to continue to use the forums as a support.

It can be difficult to see how things can be different when you are feeling so low. I encourage you to contact one of the 24-hour telephone services for support when you need it, whether it be just for a chat or to discuss thoughts of suicide:

Lifeline 13 11 14

Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467

Is there something nice you can do for yourself tonight @depression101?

In response to: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

utopiaSenior Contributor18 Oct 2016, 5:14 pm AEDT

Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

@depression101. You killing yourself is not an expression of love for your wife. It is the distorted thinking that comes into our heads when we are overwhelmed with grief and depression etc.
Your wife would not thank you for killing yourself - to provide financial support. She would be angry and upset. She would then be the one to feel how you are feeling now.
Do you want your wife to feel as desperate and confused as you do now. I'm guessing the answer is NO.
When dealing with a loss like yours - the best thing is to talk to a professional. Mens helpline. Beyond blue. Reaching out and seeking help for yourself is the best gift you could give to yourself and your wife.
By killing yourself - you will be putting the guilt of your death onto tour shoulders.
You have stated previously how she felt abused by you "a lot".
You wanted to be in control all the time and didn't value her ir her opinions.
You are doing the same now. Your death will nit help her in any way.
But you getting help fir yourself and learning how to lusten and respect others - wow - that would show her the type of man she probably fell in love with years ago.
I hope my reply doesn't seem cruel. I don't mean it that way. I just want you to realise that maybe what you are thinking now - is not clear and rational thoughts.
And I truly hope you will reach out and get help - because YOU deserve to be happy to.

In response to: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

depression101Senior Contributor18 Oct 2016, 6:13 pm AEDT

Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

My wife got a call from the local MHU ssking if she needed support as a result of my death.
Obviously a mistake.
Her reaction was, its not a problem.

So sorry she wouldnt be hurt only happy she was free from the marriage.

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