Adult survivors of incest

@Kelpie I can't imagine your pain, Kelpie. Good on you for opening this subject up.

Thinking of you.

Hi @Kelpie

I can relate to what you are saying.

In my case it was family member(s) who are still alive.

I have nothing to do with them now but as a result have torn my family apart.

Hi @Kelpie , nice to meet you.

I know excalty how you feel. It was an uncle in my case when I was young. I kept it to myself for over 20 years, until I started dealing with my past. I was encouaged by my mh team to tell someone in the family, I intended to tell my aunty that wasn't married to him, but his wife got me when I was a little drunk and asked what it was I needed to talk about and that she was always there for me no matter what. So I told her, their marriage was rocky and she wanted a way out and I handed it to her. She called my stepmother and her reply was "she was always an attention seeking child and i guess she hasn't changed as an adult"

My aunty left him and didn't talk to me for years as if she blamed me for the failure of her marriage. She went on to have another long relationship and last year she left him and I found out through the grapevine that she was getting back with my uncle! We had a catch up for her to tell me (i didn't let on that I knew) I reasured her that if it was what made her happy then she should absolutly do it. We talked about family gatherings and told her that it was again ok to for us both to accept the invites and that I would be ok and polite. Now a few family gatherings from that and they have only turned up to one and it's my fault again because I made him feel uncomfortable! ME MADE HIM......... I said hello, I tried to engage them both in conversation but they weren't having any of it. I have missed out on a few important events because she was deemed more important then I.

No one wants to talk about this subject so thanks for bring it up.

I am sorry that this ever happened to you.

I understand what you are saying and in my family my sister ended her life after the perpetrator ended his. I am still here and so is another sister but we battle daily with family who won’t accept what occurred. @Kelpie

Sadly it is not so unusual as all that. It depends on the shape of the family a little. In one generation, it was my brother and sister. Mother was in total denial til day she died and both of my siblings died. In another gen it was an uncle on uncle. It made for skewed relationshpis al round. It would not be easy to recover from, but there are paths and groups around. Focus on your self healing, and let the family do its things. Dont take any rubbish tho.

Often it is an undercurrent below family dynamics.

The funeral and fall out would be very difficult tho.

Stay Safe nd take care

Apple

Hi @Snowie

Thanks for replying. Yes, it's so destructive. Families become so fragmented and the different realities about what's 'true' can be so conflicted. This has been the hardest part for me to navigate I think - admitting my own truth and being brave enough to face it.

Hello @Eve7 thank you for replying. I'm so sorry about your sister. The fallout is so brutal.

Hi @Appleblossom . Yes I'm afraid it's rather more common than not. Unfortunately it's something not often spoken about, which makes the journey more difficult. Because disclosure is so cathartic, but socially it's such a taboo topic. And so there's the burden of maintaining silence to protect ones' family, and to protect oneself from social stigma and to protect society from itself! That's really why I've opened the conversation - because I think it's something far more prevalent and destructive than we admit.

@Kelpie It is always hard when family are involved and even harder around birthdays/xmas etc, when normally that family get together, but cannot anymore, because of my decision.

Some believe me, some don't, and I guess that is their choice. One particular family member believes me for one person but not the other....try and figure that one out!!

I hope you find the support you are looking for here and people you can relate too 💜

@Kelpie @Eve7 @Former-Member @Snowie @Historylover

Yes and the brutality of it is still being suffered in my family becasue things have not been discussed properly, no matter how hard I try. My sister disclosed to me and I tried to help her. I did not judge him or them, but sis wanted to break it up. We had all been in orphanages and different foster homes etc and there were disruptions to "normal family". Before sis suicided I tried to get mother to go to counselling for the good of all of us, it was also a heavy load for me to carry as 21 year old and I did not know what to do, when we could not open up the conversation. Mother closed down with BIG religious stubborn ignorance. I said even a priest, but No. Her shame about the orphanages might come out. So many secrets I was supposed to carry for her.

I should have been more wary of the effect of disclosure on me, but at the time I was trying to stop my brother and sister from dieing. They both took their lives.

In her last year my mother almost spat at me there was "no incest", but she was so messed up in her head. Mother was very horrible to me, worse than early neglect, she was using my work, money, connections and goodwill, and she manipulated my daughter away. My brother's mother in law of his 1st wife knew about it, as she piped up about it in a very normalising manner, suprising me totally. Mother totally denied any sexual abuse of me, and there were many incidents, but they were external to family, and unconsiously part of the reason I left home young. When my brother sought comfort in my arms. I often cuddled him and supported him too, but being older I was able to manage him better.