Not my 'story' - it's my nightmare.

@AEB Thankyou AEB. My distress comes in waves. When I am busy, I'm fine and can put all of these problems out of my mind. But when I'm not, the situation becomes terribly distressing and has been overwhelming me all year. Normally, I would consider myself highly capable - but this latest matter has taken me beyond my normally considerable coping strategies. I'll plod on and always reach out when I need help. I always work on the premise that one door closes and another opens. I'm getting better every day. I hope things are getting better for you too.

@Historylover

Welcome to the forum. I am sorry your family fragmented and you ended up isolated. Your interest in society and psychiatry sounds similar to mine. I have had a few experiences where the social and psychiatrist overlapped. Maybe the psychiatrist feels responsible. Feeling he enjoys it in some way, must be horrible for you. I hope you find some benefit in reading the stories, sharing your own and meeting people on the forum.

Cheers Apple

@Historylover I can totally relate to that myself. I’m usually ok if I’m busy as well. Recently moved to a small country town and not working so my relationship I’m in is now ending because I’m so triggered all the time and I just can’t cope with it anymore.

@HistoryloverAside from the sheer length of your investment (20 years?? Wow!), I couldn't help but notice some striking parallels between your story/nightmare and my own.

In particular,

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@Historylover wrote:

I think he is enjoying my pain.

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and

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@Historylover wrote:

Cure takes time. I simply got on with my life while I waited for him to establish the social group I was to be a member of...

Early this year he told me, after I had waited 20 years, that I was more trouble than I was worth and the offer no longer stood.

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Sounded very familiar. Not just in terms of my therapist, but especially in terms of other toxic relationships I was entagled with at roughly the same time.

I can see now what you meant in that other thread about there being a bad side to your treatment.

I'm sorry that the whole thing has left you with nobody but that therapist to turn to. Again, the whole thing about not having anyone good to turn to, only bad options, is something I think a lot of us can easily relate to.

It makes me think that maybe there needs to be a support group somewhere for people who have been in abusive therapy relationships.

@chibam We've been there, chibam, haven't we? We know what we are talking about and have the words to put it down, where others may simply not know how to express their distress - or even know where to start. Or not say what they think others will not understand. That is why this fight is so important.

Yes, 20 years was a long time to wait. I must admit that there were times when I became concerned that too much time was passing and they were years I couldn't get back. It has to do with my total trust in him. It has to do with being aware that cure takes time, and if I decided to do anything other than wait I could disrupt everything he was trying to achieve and he'd have to fix my attempts to go off on my own. It is amazing how quickly 20 years can pass. It becomes just a succession of yesterdays, and before we know it 20 years have passed. I trusted him completely. I am still wrestling with understanding who he is. How could I experience such excellent results in my restoration, have seen a man so honourable in everything he did, trusted so completely have been blind to the fact that he restored me but was destroying my life? What was I missing - not understanding?

I now have no family, no home of my own, no friends. He trained me to endure the unendurable to achieve my goals - but I endured the unendurable and achieved nothing.

We worked so closely, so effectively, we strove to help everyone. As I mentioned, after the breakdown of my family, my physical health broke down completely and when I later asked a social worker if there was somewhere I could get board and lodging, a refuge for 300 - mostly alcoholic - men was recommended. I was aghast and told my psychiatrist. He told me to go there - because he knew that he could help them by putting me in there - and helping me to help them. He heard a 'cry for help' and we responded. A situation which had been wrought by a team of 6 - 8 in-house psychologist/s, social workers who simply turned up each day and pretended to care about others' suffering, pretending that they were there to help, pretending that they were able to turn their lives around because that was what they were there for. They were about to leave the establishment for good when I arrived - having made a further mess of so many lives. My psychiatrist and I turned a living hell into a large social group of respected, respectful citizens who had the chance to take time to gain some perspective on their lives. I stayed for 2 years and 8 months and they were the most educational, heart-warming, enriching years of my life. My psychiatrist and I were a total team.

I left my family believing that we would eventually restore having learned valuable lessons and regain our direction. I had allowed a whole 4 years for that and thought that was allowing plenty of time. I wish to say that I do not blame my ex-husband for the breakdown of our marriage. I take full responsibility for 50% of the cause - but 100% was never a possibility. It never will be. The breakdown of my family gave me the opportunity to do much self-reflection. I had never thought much about divorce as it had never affected me. If anything, I would have considered it a solution to a problem. But it isn't. It just creates another mess for someone else to contend with. I immediately understood the meaning of " foresaking all others, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, until death do us part" and honouring my vow became the way I now live my life. My marriage is a life-time commitment. I have no regrets.

I am going to post in segments as I am too emotional to sort out how to ensure it will post by using other means - eg. Word, etc. and don't wish to lose it. Besides, I have to hang my washing out.

@chibam Again another lengthy post has failed. I will take the sound advice that I should 'save' now that I have got my thoughts together.

To continue - I found in my ex-psychiatrist a man who understood that what he had been taught was WRONG. He fully understood that there really is no such thing as 'mental illness' - only an expression of personality, psychological, behavioural disturbance brought about by the particular conditioning - abuses - to which each patient has been subjected. Their own particular trauma.

Although he did not say so in so many words, I understood he was saying that he was willing to put aside everything he had been taught if I was willing to trust his instincts - his basic commonsense! I would be his test-case. I had nothing to lose. My life was a mess. Every step of the way merely confirmed everything he believed. There was no turning back.

The difficulty lies in the inter-personal relationships which have been an intrinsic part of each individual's life - forming our identities. Our personality. That is where our damage was done and that is where each individual's correction has to be brought about.

Psychiatrists do not treat an individual. They treat their network. Homeless people, for instance, are just people who have been squeezed out of their particular network. Is that difficult to understand?

We all have a network and a kinship group within which we are integrated from birth. Groups within groups within groups.... So to cure a patient of the damage they have sustained and allow them to be cured it is necessary to correct the wrong-doings within their particular family/group/s by correcting the patient's disorder and supporting them to fight their way back.

Simple, really. But sheer bloody-minded determination and the knowledge that one is right is essential. If any psychiatrist wants to say it's too difficult - don't try to tell me! For me, to date, 35 years! And I'm not backing down on my fight!

The damage has been sustained from within our group/s and the correction has to be wrought from within that/those groups. It is an enormous task! Changing the 'status quo' meets with resistance ALL THE WAY as my ex-psychiatrist and I will attest.

It has NOTHING to do with being diagnosed with a particular 'mental illness' and being medicated to alleviate the symptoms of our distress!

@chibam As I expect you will notice, my ex-psychiatrist was a gem! That is why I am having so much trouble understanding and coming to terms with this current situation. He has trained me well though and I am determined to get through this.

@chibam To be honest - I think the problem is that the offer of future friendship was made when we were so heavily invested in proving that the system of psychiatric understanding is all wrong and had found a kindred spirit in each other. His skills matched my need - and we were in lock-step with each other. We were a team - but now that he is retired and my family is still not reconciled - he is finding that we are not compatible in a social sense.

I believe that he made the break brutal and disrespectful because he has trained me to not take such treatment from anyone - not even him. He needed me to understand that there is no coming back to our relationship after this. It really is over. It just would not work in a social sense.

That is the most bitter of pills to swallow, and repeat it to myself over and over as I do - it is just so distressing. He was my dearest friend even though our relationship was always professional - we had never used first names believing such to be a breach of etiquette - and once we had acknowledged a future social relationship, we didn't discuss it further.

I have always believed my family will reconcile - and I like to think I am not a dreamer - but family is so important and I need them to learn that lesson - no matter how long it takes. I believe we were simply given a very difficult road to travel and that we have been given the time to deal with all of the problems we had each inherited.

I'll get through this. This platform has given me the opportunity to express my distress, learn a bit more about people, and deal with my situation slowly.

Thankyou to everyone - especially to you chibam. We understood each other didn't we?

@Appleblossom Thankyou for your supporting words, Appleblossom. Yes, it is dreadful to think he could be enjoying the pain he has inflicted on me.

To be honest, I'm not necessarily right. It could be just my way of explaining this inexplicable, out of character change. If he could cause me such pain - it must be for some perverse reason. But it's not necessarily so when I take the time to consider it rationally.

I still swing from thinking that he did this on purpose and that he made a mistake in offering - as moving from professional to social is a very difficult move. I see that - but it is hard to accept. I didn't ask him for friendship - he offered it to me and I had built my life around it. But accept it I must - and that will take a little more time and more adjustment.

The restoration of my family would go a long way to erasing that pain and make it worth all the sacrifices made. We have all suffered a lot during this time. I know we have all learned a lot from it.

@AEB How lovely to move to a small country town. I often see them on television and think how delightful such a seemingly idyllic lifestyle must be - and how I'd love to try it. But my life won't present me with that opportunity so I'll just have to think how lovely it all seems. Perhaps I'm a city lady at heart anyway.

Yes, keeping busy helps a lot. I can only say - take the time to find who you are - what your interests are and just chill out. Develop yourself.

I like to garden although I only have pots here. I was taking German classes before lock-down, in years past I have bought Algebra and Chemistry books for dummies and I am currently studying medical lectures from youtube. The lecturer I have tapped into is outstanding and is adding to the knowledge I gained from self-taught, text book study of twenty years ago. I was surprised how seamlessly I could reconnect - even after all this time.

Education didn't have the high priority it has today when I was growing up. In year 10 my parents holiday took me away from school for several weeks and when I returned, I was unable to catch up with the class in Mathematics, Algebra. It was very distressing not to understand and to not have anyone who understood my difficulty. A teacher might go through the motions of explaining and if you didn't understand, there was something wrong with you - not with the teacher or the explanation. In such situations, we learn not to ask. If we miss out on one aspect -especially in Mathematics, so often, everything else follows on from that and we simply fall behind. I did and didn't enjoy school at all after that. I finished my school in year 10 and underachieved thereafter. I had ability which was untapped.

Years later I tried to do HSC/VCE by correspondence from my birth state - but it was all too hard when I was suffering Depression. I didn't complete the course but it was the beginning of a journey back into education.

My ex-psychiatrist tapped into that and directed my life in that direction. Firstly I did a Certificate of Business Studies at Technical College. It didn't change the direction of my life in the employment sense, but no education is without its own intrinsic value.

In the years after my family breakdown, I spent 6 - 8 years sitting in a chair while my body healed from the breakdown in my health and I took the opportunity to study Medicine from text books I purchased from the university. They are expensive, but the cost spread over the time it took me to study them in detail was a bargain. I have about 8 text books over a broad range of medical specialties.

I had never tapped into the youtube resource for education before but there is such a myriad of subjects to learn from there. Perhaps you could find a new direction for your life there too. Libraries are a great resource - but, for me, fiction is not on my agenda.

I have learned that there are few external things more important in life than education - developing and fulfilling our potential. I'll be taking this path for the rest of my life. I'd love to buy a telescope!!