Trying to stay Sane

Hi @saltandpepper

His wounds aren't looking too good, might need abiotics.

Haha re Pinnochio 😜

I hear you re this :

"Don't have to explain myself or communicate things or hide things anymore. I can just be."

It can be exhausting trying to keep my relationship "happy" when my life is in turmoil at the best of times and has been for years.

Good for you shopping, food, yay 😃

We had roast chicken, was yummy. Although now the clean up *sigh

Sorry to learn of your back pain. Is it an injury or wear and tear? Not good.

Not sure when I'll see him, it's a very fluid situation at present so I'm "on call" as far as picking him up. I really want him there for longer but his Dr reminded me again today that he's an adult to make his own decisions. 😠

Yes, on paper, he's an adult, BUT oh I could say so much but I won't. I need to switch off.

Poor bugger, hope he heals up soon @Anastasia has he got a good support system in place for when he does leave? Is he going home to you? It's going to be terrifying whether he leaves tomorrow or in a months time. It won't be easy, just prepare yourself as best you can for when it happens. Do you have your own supports in place as well?

aw yeah the clean up is a turn off. Was going to make a proper meal tonight but then saw the dishes and thought about the post cooking clean up--went with the burger instead.

Yeah @Anastasia I think my relationship started to fall apart the minute I started working on my own sh*t. I don't know if that's right or wrong, just is. It's been good going through therapy and I've come a long way. But I know I haven't been an easy person to live with while I go through it all. I don't know. I'm sorry things feel like so much work for you in your relationship right now, I hope you're getting the support you deserve. Relationships are never easy but can't imagine how difficult it must be with so much going on for you.

Re back pain, I guess if I think about it probably the result of an old work injury. Not really sure, just flares up every now and then. Dunno.

Thank you, no he doesn't. That thought is terrifying.

That's what I've been working on around the clock. I emailed toady and will (hopefully) hear from support coordinator tomorrow re meeting next week and plan. God/Universe/higher power please let her meet with us next week. 🙏

Yes he lives with me, he's not at any sort of capacity to not live with me at this point in time. You are right it will be terrifying whenever it is. I'm hypervigilant at present and I think the next few weeks will either make or break me.

Shame your relationship fell apart when you started to work on you, hmmmm interesting thought and again I'm really sorry. Well I really hope it's onwards and upwards for you. It would have taken a lot of courage to work on your own :pile_of_poo:, so well done. Its not easy to take that step and I'm glad you did 😊

I happen to think you are an exceptional human!

Yeah I guess to a certain extent I have supports. I've spent more time on the Chart line here than ever before in the last few days. I'll see my therapist Tuesday, really not looking forward to that. Where to start! Haven't seen her in months as she cancelled on me last visit.

Hi everyone!

Sorry to jump in... i don't REALLY know what's happening in this thread, but I'm on a quest to find my long lost friend, @WIP .

We've had our ups and downs together and then I got so wrapped up in work that we sort of strayed away from each other.

But it looks like today's my lucky day - I've found @WIP .

Hi @WIP (and everyone else of course)! If that's okay, I'd be happy for you to tag me in when you post so I don't lose you again - no obligation. I don't want you think I've forgotten you, or I don't want to hear from you! You've definitely been on my mind - everyday!

As for everyone else posting on this thread @saltandpepper @Anastasia @Emelia8 , excuse my interruption.

BPDSurvivor

Hey @BPDSurvivor you're never an interuption, nice to see you. @WIP can gererally be found here Changing meds x

Totally appreciated @Anastasia ! Thanks!

Well I mean @Anastasia perhaps the doctors aren't the people to talk to re when to come home? Is it possible to talk to your son about how important it is for support to be in place before he comes home? I mean I don't know, I have not been in your situation and I can't even imagine being there. But having support in place is going to be an essential part of his continued recovery. And I think if things don't feel right, say something. But yeah, don't know if it's possible to have that conversation with him or not.

I'd also contact your therapist--are they trauma informed? If they aren't, I'd recommend you see a trauma informed therapist--both of you should actually. But anyway, contact your therapist and book some appointments in advance.

Hypervigilant is completely understandable and perhaps necessary at this point in time. It's probably going to aid you in getting all the t's crossed and i's dotted. Trying to find a way--eventually--to switch it off for a rest is something to work toward.

@Anastasia yeah I think the more I focused on my shit the less capability I had to deal with anything else. But I wasn't exactly the picture of health before therapy... Hmm.. I don't know. None of it is really clear to me right now. Thanks for the encouragement, it's been a journey. I've put in a lot of work and I'm a different person to the one I was before therapy. But the ongoing battle for me is intimacy issues. Therapy has I guess made me address those things from the past and there's times when I don't want to be touched or comforted or kissed--anything. I can only imagine how difficult that must be for a partner to navigate. And I guess when it goes from one extreme to the other it doesn't help either. I guess I used to supress a lot of stuff in that department, but after therapy it all changed. I didn't mean for it to change, at all, but it did. I tried explaining it. Tried talking about it. Tried reassuring my partner that it wasn't them, it was me. And you know my therapist is there encouraging me to put those boundaries up because I'm not wrong to feel this way and if I don't want to be touched that's ok. I don't know. It's all a tangled mess of shit from the past infecting the present. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. Just that maybe this was what had to happen and maybe it will be for the best I guess. I really don't feel like I'm capable of being in a relationship at all. And truthfully, I haven't felt very capable of it for a long time.

ugh. Sorry @Anastasia went off on a tangent there. Still processing it all obviously. And it's easy talking to you. This is bringing some stuff up for me so I think I might go lie in bed and just have a think for a while.

Let me know how you get on with the support coordinator and everything tomorrow. Hope everything falls into place for you and your son. Hope you get some rest tonight

Happy to listen @saltandpepper

Hope it helps 🙏

Rest easy my friend.

I'm lucky my boy is very respectful and he values and generally goes with my input and includes me in the decision making. Otherwise he'd be home tomorrow!!!

I can only imagine how difficult working your way through the therapy would have been. It will take time. I am sure that there will be someone one-day that will have compassion around your needs. I think communication is the key. Time, in time things will improve. You need to "heal" yourself first. You will. I'm so sorry you were violated in your past S&P.

I'll let you know how today pans out. I'm going through the conversation with my boss in my head. Hope you're sleeping 😊

Morning @Anastasia I hope your boss is supportive. If he isn't, then he isn't human. Did you manage to get some sleep last night?

It's wonderful your boy is open to your thoughts and accepts your guidance. What a bond the two of you must have. He's lucky to have your support. Hope he is doing ok today.

Yeah I got some sleep, woke up dripping in sweat though. Nightmares. Upon reflection, I probably shouldn't have gone to bed when that stuff came up. Do things differently next time. And thanks for the support @Anastasia, really appreciate it. Yeah I don't know about doing the relationship thing again really. I don't feel the need for it and if anything I think it just complicates things for me. It's too difficult and not just for me but for the other person too.

I don't know @Anastasia as much effort as I've put in and as much as I've changed, it often feels like there's a limit to recovery--for me anyway. Maybe that will change one day. Who knows. I sort of feel like there's been too much damage inflicted for too long. Perhaps if it were an isolated incident. Perhaps if I only had one issue to deal with. Feels like my entire life has just been littered with trauma and at a certain point I just have to accept the damage that's caused. I don't know. Anyway, thanks for the support, I hope everything goes smoothly with your boss today

Hi @saltandpepper, I just wanted to drop by and say that recovery is very individual. I've found it to be kind of like a wave, with lots of ups and downs. I've sometimes thought I was going well only to find myself falling when the wave took a dip. But, I've also learnt that the wounds inflicted by the bad experiences can become scars given time, and sometimes good experiences that counteract the bad. Healing is possible. Holding hope for you that the wave you're on will turn upwards soon. 💙