Unknown userMember
Boundary setting: Hints and quotes
Boundaries are often mentioned in this forum and I think that understanding how they fit in with mental illness is very helpful. Over the next little while I will be posting hints and quotes in relation to boundary setting and please feel free to do the same.
Understanding the difference between boundary setting and enabling too is wise. Enabling is a term that generally relates to substance abuse and an obvious example of this is giving a drunk a drink but extends to us doing things for someone which we think is kind but results in making it easier for them to continue unacceptable or irresponsible behaviours.
Dave Ramsey says that "Charity is participating in someone's healing" and I think in one setting where this is most apparent is in relation to adult children who live with their parents.
I felt that @Gemma20 was spot on and entirely reasonable with a boundary she is thinking of setting in another post where she writes:
"I am thinking of saying to him that we genuinely care about him and want to see him reach his goals. I will say that to live here permanently we have these conditions
1. Seek counselling Headspace has helped our other daughter.
2. Find a good GP you can build trust with.
3. Start thinking about what study etc you may want to undertake
4. Not sleeping past 10am during the week when you are not working.
5. Assist with chores around the house
6. Pay $50 board."
Having a clear understanding of how much, if any food is included in the board and when the $ amount will be reviewed might also be something Gemma might consider documenting in this proposed agreement.
A summary of boundaries is that
a. Each party is clear as to what the person making the boundary considers to be a reasonable condition or the person with whom the boundary is being set is clearly told what behaviours will not be tolerated and
b. If the line is crossed, what clearly articulated consequences they can expect to happen and
c. Understanding that for boundaries to work that the person who made them must enforce the consequence; it is not negotiable and
d. Being kind to ourselves in the process and grieving if needed. We cannot take responsibility for others actions.
