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So alone.. a non-person..

IngaSenior Contributor23 July 2016, 10:20 pm AEST

So alone.. a non-person..

Hello to all... If nothing else, this is to get 'it out'........

I am a soft, kind gentle being, but have had nothing but emptiness, abuse rejection.. No friends/family. .. Love is something I now feel I will now never have from a partner.. My heart aches..

Feelings. I open my arms to the universe. Who do I talk to? To vocalize…. No-one..-let it be you..

WHY!!!

What is there - What do I do..

Solitary animals –NO - we are not..

Scared –YES – I: afraid to look, to try….so many hurts.. Able to seek?

Life limited-anxiety depletes- I acceptable?-self-doubt rages..

Weakened health-rejection.

Affluent?-no… Rejection..

To feel the loving…

Knowing it will never be..

Heart beaks-tears engulf..

Empty.. past, present, future..

Heart yearning… contact-my partner - We are..

I-gentle, loving, thoughtful..

Sensual, timid, exuberant..

So much love-I have to give..

Deserving to love and be loved..

Feeling/joy of each other - so sweetly..

Touch and be touched.. Stroking of skin- soft, smooth..

Joy of togetherness.. Hearts lift-too be..

Eyes locked-smiling-arms embraced... scent of each other..

Lips throbbing, whisper touch-kissing..

Slow dancing-swaying to the music..

Holding, feel-at mutual peace....

Heat rising, loins throbbing –wondrous, wrapped in each other.

Being lost in the other -heart beating, racing…

Heart to heart... electric… passion… entwined…

Merging -being one-we are..

Cuddling-listen to the music –

Quiet- content- each a comforting presence…

Laughing-days of peace-eat-quiet pace…

Wander-smile, happy-gently touching-soft kisses-lifted hearts..

Is it really all, only an unfulfilled dream-never to be realized…..

To never have been loved-to never know love..

Me-unacceptable-rejected.. Illness isolating/diminishing..

Tears, sobbing-my body racked..

All alone.. Just me, myself and I..

In the world but not part of it..

Now damaged by medication - more rejection..

.. So tired.. So very tired..

Agoraphobia burdening.. Fear of all..

Aged, but young.. Beauty still, but never to attract..

Yearnings never to realized..

WHY!!!!

26 replies

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In response to: So alone.. a non-person..

Noname1New Contributor31 July 2016, 6:39 pm AEST

Re: So alone.. a non-person..

Inga and all of your commentators. Your life is YOURS. Be yourself . Forget trying to be what others expect. We ( the human race ) are all mad if you look too close. The trick is to just please yourself ( within the law and morality ) people, including family ,will love you for being the crazy/eccentric /looser / whatever you are, as long as you are TRUTHFULLY YOURSELF. Its Taken me 50 years to figure this out ( my life story so far is nothing more than tragic. BUT !!) The time had come. We are all alone. But relationships help us to stay alive. We only need one. OURSELF. Anymore than that is Icing on our cake.

In response to: So alone.. a non-person..

IngaSenior Contributor31 July 2016, 9:28 pm AEST

Re: So alone.. a non-person..

@Appleblossom

namaste-Apple...

I have been on AD's for 30 yrs and they are killing me... My life has become so small..I tried coming off just before winter.. I worked out how to come off with minimum withdrawal......The time before that I tried, it was like watching a heroin addict in withdrawal.. I was like that, and alone..

I was stuck on the lounge for 5 x weeks.. I was a totally vacant nothing...At least I went to sleep on less sleep meds and the headaches disappeared...The cold came earlier than I expected.....I loathe the cold and it makes things harder for me to do...I went back on meds and will try when again when it becomes warm... I hope I can do it next time.. housebound for 3 x months minimum...AARRGGHHH!!!

Namaste-Inga

In response to: Re: So alone.. a non-person..

AppleblossomSenior Contributor31 July 2016, 9:36 pm AEST

Re: So alone.. a non-person..

Good idea about waiting til its warm @Inga

I agree with you that the world is crazy @Noname1 said it a few times here.

However I think it is not true that we will all be loved ... your post implies that ... insincerity causes lack of love ... I think that undermines the struggles and the truths a lot of us have lived.

Namaste

In response to: So alone.. a non-person..

IngaSenior Contributor31 July 2016, 9:45 pm AEST

Re: So alone.. a non-person..

@Former-Member

Funnily, have been chewing on a bunch of celery a week for the last 5 x yrs.. I am also a large water drinker....I also drink dandelion tea for the kidney to help wash out water retention..

Saddened to hear your family is having problems...

I have been on AD's for 30 yrs...I KNOW the antideps are killing me.. The last lot I used definitely showed me the effects they were having on me..

I will be trying to get off the when the weather is warm.. Hopefully my 'boosters' will keep on giving me days when I can workout to build strength for my attempt.... I do not do cold well..

I joined SANE due to the ad on TV.. I have looked at beyond blue etc, and they left me cold... The cute man on the TV ad said he was the real deal (hopefully not an actor) and I just went to the puter and wallah..

It has been good, getting things off my chest...

Namaste to all..

In response to: Re: So alone.. a non-person..

IngaSenior Contributor31 July 2016, 10:33 pm AEST

Re: So alone.. a non-person..

@Noname1

Dear Nome..

I have never been loved...

I have always been myself... That is all I can be... I am alone.. I have no relationship with myself.. I just am....... I just exist.. No life, no joy... I do not want to be alive..

I deplore mans inhumanity to man... mankind destroying fellow men in the pursuit of power/money..

Namaste-

In response to: So alone.. a non-person..

IngaSenior Contributor31 July 2016, 10:50 pm AEST

Re: So alone.. a non-person..

@Julia00

Namaste Julia...

You say 'I love my husband and I know is a great person, I just feel we can't communicate. Looking at what you say, makes me think how important is to find myself first to find a way to talk and communication.'

Write those words.. Then as you have thoughts pertaining to your feelings, write them down.. I write on my puter.. When you have a few paragraphs, re-write them into a coherent form.. Write of your love for him...Tell him of your feeling that he is a good person... Speak of your 'aloneness'... Give this to your husband...

Ask for his consideration and support...

All my love to you.. xo

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