I am struggling at the moment

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@Teej wrote:

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope 💜💐

my 6"1 son greeted me at the door with a gentle hug. He had taken his younger brother to his girlfriends and was cooking tea. I don't deserve my kids😔

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Yes you do ❣

They are a reflection of you .... the real you ... not your illness which interferes sometimes .....

Hug those kids .... not always in dragon mode, right ?

💜🌷

Hi i am new to this site, this evening.

I feel for you.

Totally understand where your coming from.

As soon as i stress, dam well break out in cold sores.

My Beautiful friend passed on a really good hint, to heal the cold sores.

Straight tea tree oil.

Cotton ball dabbed in tea tree oil then straight onto cold sores.

This is best at the first sign of that tingling.

Though on saying that, i also use it once they have been established on my face for a while.

Good luck i wish you well with this idea.

I hope you feel better soon 💐

Four gorgeous boys @Former-Member its huge to have raised them. Motherhood is still not given enough kudos ... I firmly believe that IS part of the problem.

I have been out, made one post about the weird tax scam I had today, and then doing foodie and family commitments. Just read through your thread about today.

I can relate to all the guilt about feeling suicidal whilst also being a mother and the obvious issue of abandonment and grief that 1. the feeling that way and 2. the act whether or not acted upon ...would cause in upsetting our offspring.

I also used the delaying tactic for 25 years ... That is how I managed to keep my SI a secret from therapists for about 20 years ... eg. I'll do it when ... real eg: I get the proper beds for the kids so at least they have beds to sleep in etc etc or the next positive I could see in the horizon that I wanted them to have ... til I get an oven ... still havent got it yet ... delaying on the re-order ... but at least am aware of how it has played into my own personal SI process. m

Big Point: my mind (and your mind) kept making excuses NOT TO GO THROUGH with the act ... til such and such ... like you when your son gets home. That is a healthy sign of a mind trying to deal with both despair about circumstances and responsibilities to offspring.

Glad you have good therapist.

I understand that you wanted a med review with psychdoc ... which sounded sensible to me ... but it went badly.

What does that mean? Did they refuse med review? Did they refuse admittance to hospital? DId they castigate you with your disorder? I get they treated you like a child ... but when you ready and calm ... can you tell us what you hoped for in psychdoc appointment ... I get that some new psychdocs are actually a bit deficient in the empathy department ... but they are needed as they are qualified to write certain scripts.

When you say the therapist and the psychdoc agreed. Is it about committing to life and handing over your SH tools.

Sorry if I seem intrusive. I try and get to the nitty and I am trying to help not harm.

NOW I have finally made the transition TO COMMIT to LIFE ... I kind of understand how that feels and how it is different to being stuck in an endless though delaying SI plans loop. That is why I was frightened last year ... when I realised that there were still residual SI floating around inside me which could catch me off guard... and that then I might complete when about 90% of me did not want to complete.

Am I making sense?

Dont respond if you dont want.

Here for you anyway.

Apple

@Appleblossom Thanks for caring and responding. It is so difficult to have these discussions unless you've been there which it sounds like you have and you get it. I have wanted out for such a long time now but man it gets hard when you are still responsible for them (well one of mine). I've come so close but always given in at the last minute and called for help. I've been found by emergency services in all sorts of conditions.

When I accepted help from my brother for this house it was a fair bit like you mentioned, at least they had a roof over their head that wouldn't be taken away easy so it was a step towards an out. But then sometimes I shift the goalposts too like I'll wait until the house is renovated enough, until my youngest turns 18, BUT sometimes I hurt so much I lose sight of all of this.

As for my therapy and appointments today. I went in hopeful that I would be trusted to try different medication and something to help with my greatly fluctuating moods that are getting more out of my control as the year goes on. The psych doesn't think I should be on any medications, not even anti depressants and wouldn't consider mood stabilisers for now and wouldn't even write out a full script for my anti depressant cutting it by a third and giving me 30 days supply but no appointment for 6 weeks so I have the stress and anxiety of having to find a way that he'll write a new script again before I see him. He thinks it is all in my head. He also is fixated on my diagnosis but not what works for me and what doesn't but insists on best evidence based strategies than realising that I don't necessarily fit that. He told me no one should go near me with therapy until I hand over everything. He hasn't taken into consideration how much I have tried to do the right thing or that I'm working on some things successfully. He gets to the end of the appointment and walks out the door and tells me to go and I feel like he doesn't give me a chance to grow and learn from previous mistakes. When I was really unwell I had a few tantrums upon leaving but have tried to overcome this and move forward but he doesn't see any of this and so his solution is to watch the clock and bolt out e door at the half hour mark telling me I have to go. No goodbye or anything. I feel like a naughty child.

When I contacted my therapist today who has totally agreed that medication to help stabilise my mood should be considered she rang him to find out what is going on. He said he wouldn't not ever prescribe them but it was too dangerous to prescribe them now and she said she supported him with this which left me feeling undermined and lost. I had/have been holding on (probably too tightly) to trying new medication to at least try something else to help stabilise me. I strongly felt like I had to try. When I told him I was getting more out of control with my moods and that I felt like I was losing control over them he agreed that I probably was. I was willing to meet them half way and have access to them controlled by the pharmacist but that too was rejected. So after being so badly rejected and having put so much hope in this basket I was crushed and my emotions hit pretty much the highest intensity. I'm not allowed any medication to help calm me or help me sleep unless I'm in hospital where they are given freely. I guess I feel totally isolated and rejected compared to everyone. I know my history hasn't helped but at what point can I be trusted again because all this distrust is making me feel less than human and want to not care and take the lot.

I dont know what tomorrow brings Apple I just dodged a bullet today with more help from the people on the forum than anyone else.

Your writing is pretty coherent. You have the legal right to see another psychiatrist. They should not play GOD. It should be more of the being a physician healer role. But you have to follow through and establish respect and trust with the new one.

Once I was asked to hand over my rope by a GP ... and I did.

It was actually good to go through that scene with her. She came outside the clinic to my car, said thank you and also did the right things for me in a few ways.

I am basically submissive by nature but educated by determination.

I actually dont believe that my SI came from within my psyche. I was putting out fires for others for so long before I turned it in on myself.

Setting up a credible health care team is part of why I was stressing and started posting here on this forum last year ... it may seem you are screaming inside but if you can win trust of new people ... and yes you are entitled to new people .. it is really worth it.

It felt really weird when I realised that I was getting less and less SI.

It was weird when I first started making constructive plans for me to live a life ...

after about 27 years of SI ... it was only last year that I realised ... I have been very distressed and carried on like a pork chop at times ... but to forgive myself ... realise I had reasons why I went nuts ... and keep building on the positives.

It is slow, but it is possible.

Oh ... a few years after handing the rope in ... i started having dummy spits in private with myself ... angrily ... saying ... I can do it that way ... and that way ... then I realised I can dream up a thousand ways to do it ... etc etc ...

BUT ... what would happen if you did hand in your tools?

If you were determined to do it ... logically we all know ..you could go out and get some more ... but you MIGHT not ...then you might be one more step away from SH.

Congrats by the way for hanging on ... there is nothing wrong with the foetal position ... I was taught that in primal therapy ... and I still spend a bit of time in that position .. but I am nurturing of myself with it .. not punishing.

I think your psych doc is a S**T .. and I dont usually talk that way. Ditch him ... dont tell him til you have seen a new one ... and feel there are some possiblities working with him or her.

Thanks for your response @1731LC. Welcome to the forum. Sorry it's taken a bit of time to respond but I'm still a bit all over the place. I find if I take lysine it helps prevent them a bit but I ran out about a fortnight ago, I'll have to try tea tree oil. I hope you get the support and connection you are looking for on this forum. As you can see in my thread they are a very supportive group of people. Take care💜😊

sorry if my questions were too direct @Former-Member

Just think about it.

I have become wary of non-sequitors in my gnary old age and dont put out effort and my experiences for nothing ... am only interested in genuineness.

Gentleigh Bentleigh

Thanks for sharing your experiences @Appleblossom . It really helps me to see someone who is a step or two ahead in their recovery. It also helps to hear your experiences and thoughts. Another myth is that no one can give me advice because of the DPD but this too is rubbish because I'm pretty stubborn and only take on advice if it feels right and I can relate to it. As for the psych I am stuck as I need a bulk billing one. I have three names to explore so I'll see how that goes but they all work in the same system as his one so I'm worried they'll all have the same methodoloigies? for my diagnosis. I am so over being told what is the best evidence based practice for my diagnosis. How about trying to work out what will work for us as individuals because we don't all experience things the same way. Sorry rant over, still feeling a bit angry over it. I hope you have a good night and that you are feeling a little more settled re your current difficulties too. Take care💜😊

No, not worried about your questions being too direct @Appleblossom, I actually prefer it that way. I too prefer genuineness. I tend to deal with most personalities ok when they are upfront and authentic. 😊