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I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.
I hear you @Former-Member, that yoy struggle with the same uphill journey every day, mo energy, motivation - all sucked away by severe anxiety again.
And you're frightened you can't hide it from your daughter over the school holidays, home all day every day. I so get that. You say you don't want her to see me like this, but honestly, I think she already knows. Kids are great observers. I would suggest you be 'real' with her (without leaning), go walk off some of the anxiety (maybe together go walks like F&H with D1), ask her to help you organise a weekend away here and there. I would love to take my girl to a butterfly farm if I had another chance.
.You feel like this Bridget because you have an illness. It takes what money can't buy, great courage & perseverance.
I use to keep telling my daughter, we'll go away, or do this and that, then let her down. I know now it was the debilitating anxiety, limited funds and only every second weekend with her. I have a horrible memory of her once saying back at me "its never gonna happen" Shecwas right. Try hard to make this a priority before she leaves home. Start simple, something she wants maybe.
Yes you are a bit negative tonight, blackdog off his chain, but you're also being 'real' and true to yourself and that's integrity. @Faith-and- hope taught me that.
Of cause it feels like youre going backwards sometimes, its part if growing, like a tapestry or embroidery.
Its exhausting & frustrating especially when ya 'doing all the right things. There's no doubt in my mind you'll feel this way on and off, in different ways for the rest of your life, but it will become more manageable and you will have linger breaks between. You're becoming resilient and skilled.
I often feel like I'm nor really living anyway, but I ask you this - by whose standards? Find something that WILL work for you, no matter how simple.
Hi Bridget, you do distract and be positive mostly, and come across stronger than you are I think, like me. Its hard to know what to ask for, when asking for help, or even just reaching out. There is strength in vulnerability. . Not sure if I'm helpful, but I do care. Be gentle with yourself Bridget, hugs xox
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
I have landed ....
💜@Former-Member .... lookin' for you ....
💐@Former-Member .... I see you ....
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Hi @Faith-and-Hope, you landed? 🙂
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
In another part of the U.K. now .... on a bus for the next couple of hours .... using up data at the mo .... so haven't gone back through posts yet, but keeping my eye on them anyway ....
Will contact again when I have wifi .... but I'm here ....
💜@Former-Member ....
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Hi @Former-Member
How are you?
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Hi @Faith-and-Hope
Thanks for letting us all know you have landed and arrived safely.
How many more weeks away?
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Hi @Former-Member, I'm ok thanks, probably should sleep some time soon, might crash. Have trouble keeping ip here, poor Bridget, and worried about Teej too. Trying to throw it off. Watching Victor of Dibly, very funny.
How are you lately? Have you had any walks on the beach lately? How's dog?
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Hi again @Former-Member
Good to hear you are travelling okay atm.
I've not read over all the posts but I am worried about both of them too. I am hoping tomorrow will be better for them.
I should try to get some sleep too, I need to be places today
Kira has been good- I gave her a bath today she loved it esp with being so hot here on the coast, she absolutely loves it because its her routine, after her bath she as her walk so its her favorite thing.
I am traveling a bit better just have to keep moving forward and plenty of structure and a bit of spontaneous fun too- just trying to find some balance.
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Hi @Former-Member
I will be away for a few weeks yet .... we have a family property over here available to use when we come, so while we're knockin' around the UK at the mo we will settle back down to daily life for a bit after this, amongst hubby's BFGW rellies ....
😏
Where I've got wifi ... which is just about everywhere .... I'll be in touch.
❤️
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
DecadianSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Hi @Former-Member - Hi @Former-Member
I have read back on the thread for a few pages and can't find what happenen Teej - whatever it was and possibly still is may be partly your pharms worker will be away and oh BH Yes - Christmas and January can be the depts of the darned pits - for a lot of people it is not "Roll out those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer - etc" - it can be lonely because people take leave and not everyone has family around to celebrate the mercernery side of the silly season - anay maybe can't pay for that side of it anyway
Bridget I read you feel as if you are invisible - I understand that - I feel as if I have left everyone in the lurch but yes
A lot of people are having "life is just a bowl of cherries" right now - I have got over my son's birthday - Friday is always a busy day for me - but I had my moments - I was either good enough or foolish enough to watch FIRST CONTACT - and a lot of the issues really got to me at the wrong time anyway
So @Faith-and-Hope and @Former-Member - so glad you girls could hold up the heavy end for the time being - I have two weeks to the next date - so let's hope we can all be as well as possible until then
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