I am struggling at the moment

Here is my check in @Faith-and-Hope . And yes you were probably understanding about my post last night. It was a record in case I didn't wake up again. There wasn't a big chance but after I sh last night I knew there was a small amount of Russian roulette involved. You will also know that I haven't been like this for years. It's been picked up by my psych as well that I've regressed a heap. It was wrong of me to post it but I was also a little scared of not having a record of what had lead me to that point if I hadn't woken today.
The truth is that I'd been fighting like hell internally but unable to communicate that to my mh team. My screaming on the inside has gone 'unheard' for lots of reasons. One reason has been that my ability to communicate through the shame I was feeling. I think the second is that when you've been doing better everyone around you sees it as a glitch. When you are someone who feels these things so deeply, a glitch feels really dismissive and hurtful and overwhelming. I have a feeling @Sans911 can identify with this (happy to stand corrected if not sans).

Last night I felt me finally breaking into a million pieces. I had sat in the car park out side my psychs office for 5 hours frozen and paralysed knowing I couldn't face coming home. I messaged my therapist to see if I could land at her doorstep for a while which is something I've never done as such. One about 7 years ago I'd run away to suicide and I sat in a car park for hours before coming around to not following through. On the way home I asked her to call my kids to say that I was safe and on my way home. This was different from that. I contemplated that maybe I needed to go to hospital to ride out the night but I couldn't face having to talk to anyone to stay safe.
I finally came home crying all the way. My dog and son were waiting and I went to bed with what I needed to get through the night but my urge was higher than I think I expected thus the note here.

im going to continue the rest on the recovery thread.

Thank you 💜 @Snowie , @outlander for your responses. Sometimes I forget how powerful it is when someone posts support when you feel really alone.

@Appleblossom Thank you for your post too. I have been so entangled still. Maybe this latest episode is what I've needed as a wake up call to so many lost connections that I've valued over so many years.

So glad that you didn't do anything tragic. Feeling much compassion for you and hoping that in some way, shape or form things get a bit better, much love, roses 🌹

💜🌹 lotsa love here too @Teej ...... hearing you Hon and sitting with you.

Thanks so much for the check-in.

Hi @roses

Its great that you've posted here again. I'm really glad your feeling a little better.

Seeking therapy is a really hard one in that it feels overwhelming in the beginning. Once you've connected with someone that part is not overwhelming any more.

Like @Faith-and-Hope mentioned you can talk to a GP about how you are feeling and that you'd like to try therapy. They can write out a mental health care plan and hopefully give you some suggestions of counsellors in your area. The hard part is the cost. It depends where you live I think as to the cost involved. The mental health care plan gives you 10 sessions with Medicare paying a certain amount just like seeing a GP. And just like a GP the counsellor may charge a gap on top of the Medicare rebate or you could be bulk billed. The Medicare gap you receive also depends on the type of counsellor you see. A clinical psychologist has the biggest rebate but often the biggest out of pocket cost as well because they have highest degree (most years studied).

There are other places you can get some counselling from as well but I'm not too sure about this since the NDIS came in. If you feel comfortable talking on the phone you could ring the SANE help centre 1800187263 (also you can find this number at the top of every forum page). They are really kind and gentle and may be able to help you out with how to find a counsellor in your area. The SANE helpline is a great stepping stone.

I hope you find this helpful and that you are doing ok still 😊💜

Thanks @Teej .... that was far more comprehensive ^^^ ..... 👍

@Emelia8 Im so sorry. I think I may have left you off this group of support with under the like button or by a comment. I used to be much better at this than I am now.

this line

Thank you 💜 @Snowie , @outlander for your responses. Sometimes I forget how powerful it is when someone posts support when you feel really alone.
is for you too, and for anyone else I may have forgotten. I've been using the drop down to see the last 5 responders. Sometimes the ease of using this misses the important support. 💜🤗

Thank you @Faith-and-Hope , @roses 💜🤗💜

@Teej 😄🌷🙏💗

Short on words, but happy to see you and glad you survived the night. I hope you are right in that you may have needed this crisis in order to set yourself back on a path to recovery. Please take care.

Emelia 💞

@Teej my thoughts are with you hon 💜💜💜

Since I posted I rang the gp to make an appointment for a care plan. They have a psychologist at their practice, so I thought I could start there. I have been to a couple of counsellors in the past but they just listened and they didn't help me in the area of learning how to feel my feelings. So I am hoping that I will be successful in what I'm trying to do with my go. Thank you for your advice, it was very helpful. roses 🌹