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Something’s not right

I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember

I am struggling at the moment

I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.

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In response to: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor

Re: I am struggling at the moment

It was the big picture stuff @Faith-and-Hope . How will I support myself stuff? What will I do that is meaningful and gives back. I looked up foster care today thinking maybe that could be something I could do and bring meaning back into my life. But the reality is there that I can’t hold myself together long enough let alone be a rock for a child. I also think it was fantasy for me. I love the idea of nurturing a child in need of nurturing but I doubt I could pull out what is needed for that. Raising kids is all I know (and not that well at that even) but my kids have turned out ok and I still have a bit of a village around me. I know in three days time that idea will be replaced by something else. I am rambling now. :face_with_rolling_eyes:. And getting tired. Thanks for your response. It is food for thought.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Giving back can come through volunteering @Teej , as one suggestion.

Have you comsidered more web-page studies ?

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor

Re: I am struggling at the moment

It’s been a calendar month since I posted here and 3 weeks since I’ve been in crisis, and three weeks since I’ve self medicated. I think that’s my record just there. I just wanted to write it here as a milestone reminder to myself.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

AppleblossomSenior Contributor

Re: I am struggling at the moment

SO good to hear that @Teej

Just sharing this pic as I like it and i hope you do too.

Hugs

Good for me to ponder ...

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Oh @Appleblossom That is gorgeous. Thank you 🙏💜🤗

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: I am struggling at the moment

thats awesome @Teej

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor

Re: I am struggling at the moment

I am struggling at the moment. I’ve been trying to hold it together but keep falling apart. I SOS my therapist twice today and talked to her through the tears which seem to be taking hold. I’m ok, have taken prn and hope to be asleep soon. I’m writing here to remind myself that there is no miracle fix. That I can’t be put in a box or label. I was trying to find answers or the label but it turns out I’m just being human. That regardless of my thoughts around what trauma looks like and i dont think I experience it, it’s possible I’m reliving trauma which has floored me. All the old stuff has come back which is different to most. I don’t experience flashbacks, just like voices that are like déjà vu. They are not like others voices but just keep telling me that I hurt. Enough of me. I’m saying goodnight and hoping everyone is ok. 💜😴

ps I wrote this post for accountability and as a reminder.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: I am struggling at the moment

hearing you @Teej 💜

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Me too @Teej 💜💐

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope , @outlander @CheerBear

Doing better today. A big sleep helped.

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