I am struggling at the moment

Battery all out .... back later.

hearing you and here with you.tooo @Teej

your words are like soul medicine. @Faith-and-Hope, I agree @CheerBear

@CheerBear, I hope your children settle down soon for you xoxo

yesterday I was invited to a ( not really a friend ) afternoon tea ( she has not spoken to me for a year and then i get a invite )

Mr shaz did not want to go

and friend made sure to tell me that only her closest family members will be there

when I did childcare I looked after her 3 children and 4 of her nieces which would of been there , including her first grandchild

I think the biggest thing would of been reminded, stories of when her kids were young when i looked after them

so I did not really want a big trip down memory lane ( a little bit is nice ) but not all afternoon

so I decided not to go , interacting , having a social afternoon would of been nice but then it will be another year before she say hello again

Sometimes it is so tricky to work out what is a good social interaction and what isn’t @Shaz51.

I know what you mean about seeing people once a year, it’s sometimes nice and sometimes tricky. I hope you are having a relaxing day today.

@CheerBear Thanks. I’m glad it wasn’t a trigger thing. Sometimes I do the same as you possibly just did. Sit back and 'watch' a beautiful interaction on the forum with lots of big warm feels too. I’ve often done it with you and Maz but also lots with interactions on the rave thread, and a few other threads. Hoping testing fish sort themselves out.

@Faith-and-Hope You’ve helped me realise that that pressure for being 'perfect' parents never stops. It hit me today that I don’t know why. It seems like everyone goes to great lengths to constantly wear masks when it would be so much more helpful and authentic if we could all be ourselves.

had an interesting conversation last night with youngest on long drive home. He struggles with his generation lots for the lack of authenticity and everything being for show. He blames social media lots.

Also had heavy deep talk to him about what I was like at my most out of control. He missed most of it as it was when he was living with my ex. His two older brothers had to live with police and ambulances arriving with no warning and me missing, and then having to pick me up from different hospitals all over the place (at some points almost on a three weekly basis). He told me he didn’t know any of it but was glad he I told him. He also said that then I must be doing lots better now, I guess that maybe I am in regards to my behaviour.

Social media is feeding narcissism in society, I believe ..... but if the kids are made aware of that, then they see it @Teej, like your son can, and my lot can. Social media has enormous positives too, but it’s amoral, like fire ..... under some conditions it’s an asset, under others it’s a danger ..... same utility, all dependent on containment and application. It’s your son’s values that are picking up where and how it becomes a social wildfire, and you are to be thanked for that value system.

Your kids recognise and live your values Hon ..... they can recognise your illness for what it is, and can see how it impedes your values and good intentions at times, but it’s not all the time, and they love you, warts and all ..., good times and not-good times.

Thete are many social illnesses out there @Teej, unrecognised, undiagnosed ..... how do you diagnose lack of empathy ? How do you diagnose unmitigated selfishness ? How do you diagnose materialism in place of relationships ?

Take heart ..... you have raised beautiful sons with strong character ..... and you are working through the recovery process. We see it in you, even when you don’t.

💜🤗🌷💕

❤️ @CheerBear .....

Self hate storm been brewing. I am confused and scared and unsure how to deal with it. I can’t see ever getting past this point. I don’t mean to but I hurt others. I am not sure how to live this life when I mess up so much of it. Guessing this could be on the worry room but I guess I’m trying not to self medicate but I want to numb myself out, haven’t wanted to be unconscious for a while. 😡🤯