I am struggling at the moment

Hi @Teej @CheerBear .....

Hi @Faith-and-Hope, @CheerBear

awake now. I got through without using any usual unhealthy coping strategies. I have some stuff I have to confront which last night turned into self hate.

I went out to a party last night with old friends....and two of my sons. Most of my friends hadn’t seen them since they were children.

One is about being a mother and how to cope with talking about my very different children to others. Even on here I hide under the success of no 1 and his interesting life I think. I failed one of mine last night in a big way. I don’t think I know how to be his mum in public. Behind the curtain I think I have it covered ok.

The other is about me. I don’t know how to be me. Last night I felt like I have nothing I can talk about except for my kids. It hit me last night that they all would be clueless as to how I live my life in reality. I don’t know if I want them to know or not. As long as I can talk about my kids my mask stays firmly on.

Sorry if this is all confusing.

Not at all confusing @Teej. I hear you ..... 💜

There is nothing in my life I can talk about to anyone that doesn’t double back into the background issues, other than my art, and even then I am choosing the academic path I am taking in order to have the best chance of staying in it and landing in my feet if / when everything goes pear-shaped for a while.

To maintain a privacy shield, I have to smile and pretend everything is okay ..... I tell

people that S2 and D3 are at uni as well - technically they are because they are still enrolled. Are they attending classes ? Nope. Do I say that ? Only to a select circle. Even people I do open up to can only really hear it once, because the knowledge itself is heavy to carry.

That’s me ..... but I understand you ..... and amongst ourselves here everything is heavy, so we help carry each other’s situation, and we can keep hearing it, because here it is what it is. There are aspects of here that are more real than “out there” because here includes our inner worlds.

My way of functioning “out there” is to put on a “going out” face and a “going out” hat ..... and that will have to do for now ..... and that is okay.

I just wanted you to hear that someone else does what you do ..... you’re not the only one ..... and if you could take down everybody else’s social masks, you would likely be shocked at aspects of their story that don’t usually see the light of day.

Hugs 💜🌷

Oh .... and so well done on avoiding the unhealthy “supports” last night @Teej ..... ❣️

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope

it did help reading your post, it makes me feel sad as well that this is how we 'act' in front of humans we care about. Being or feeling judged has huge implications for us.

Upon thinking about it all today today I think there are a mix of things that made me go Bang last night. One of them is that one of mine (whilst very drunk) exhibited behaviours similar to my ex.....with no genetic link and I didn’t think he ever viewed this behaviour. It was infront of a few of my ex’s victims (I think I will need to find a different word because victims is such an ugly word and it doesn’t feel right anymore). My fear is many things with it. Are they making connections that my son is the same? Are they triggered by it? There are so many questions going on in my head just now.... and so many mixed feels.

@Faith-and-Hope I know you get this. For many people they’d have no idea that what seems small and irrelevant behaviours can set off alarm bells when you know what is underneath the behaviour. I don’t think that my son is on the same path as my ex because there are many things that are so different as well.... but there is always a but, how will I ever know?

We can expend an awful lot f energy fearing things that may never happen @Teej. I would put money in genetics playing a sizeable role in what happened to your ex, and this son of yours has none of his genetics.

Wven in our situation, our kids half half of my hubby’s genetics .... and even if they had all of them, it doesn’t mean they would trigger, or even trigger in the same way. My hubby and son have two different presentations of what is essentially the same underlying condition. And some of his genetics come from my family lines and are a contributing factor as well .....

It was an awkward moment last night, but that is all ..... the rest is a fear code overplaying it all .....

Your friends are brave survivors of a clandestine illness. So are we .....

I think it is fear but also me questioning what can I do about it all too. Where is the line that I can help and talk about it and where is the line that I am just living in fear of something that I’m over reacting to @Faith-and-Hope. Sorry for the deep.

@CheerBear I very much hope I haven’t triggered anything for you. I’m hoping you are doing ok.

I just realised that I was stressing all about me, oblivious to the time and date until just then.

Deep is part and parcel of what we are all muddling through here @Teej ..... and fear and uncertainty are part of it all .....

If you Google “the creative process” you will find that it occurs in various stages, with eureka moments that cause minor or major changes in direction. I am guessing that “the recovery process” follows a similar trajectory. Process take both time and being in them. Not being in them can slow the process (perhaps not necessarily, cos resting is okay, and quantum leaps can happen too) ..... but committing to the process is important .... allowing changes to happen, and to some extent just going with it .