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I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.
@Teej Im not going to invalidate how you feel because they are definently valid and real but i dont think your self centred, selfish, burdening anyone. In the time i have come to know you all i can see is someone kind caring and compassionate but someone that has more than there share of shit being thrown at them. Please dont give up, live for yourself too. Fnd the things you like/want to do for your life even if it feels impossible to think that way atm.
Can you stay here with me and we can just take it 5 minutes at a time to help keep you safe?
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
@Teej not lots of words but lots of love being sent to you from here too.
With you Teej ❤
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
TeejSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
@Sans911 Are you still around? I don’t want to trigger you but I need an open conversation about suicide. It’s ok if you can’t.
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
I'm still here @Teej
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
TeejSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
I just saw you saying goodnight. It’s ok @Sans911 if you are fading. I don’t want to wake you up. I’ll be ok.
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
It's ok @Teej. I'm here for you. I can stay awake for a bit longer. Its important for you.
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
TeejSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
What keeps you here @Sans911 for you? Do you have hope that life will get better?
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
TeejSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
You know I have everything. I have happy healthy successful kids and family and friends and a roof over my head but I can’t make that enough. I so much dont want to be this person but I seem incapable of change. I want to feel what it’s like to get something right or good enough. I want to not be in fear of everything all the time.
You want to know my crazy. I fear when I’m liked and I fear when I’m not liked. There is no win. I don’t cope with either so I get close then run all the time. I work so hard not to be the burden but it doesn’t make me independent at all. I’m so sorry it’s coming out here.
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
TeejSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
@Faith-and-Hope What happened to the teej you met and became friends with. She’s gone. I don’t know how to get her back. I’m so scared.
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
That's a tough question @Teej
I don't have a lot of hope right now because I can't see that far forward, which worries me. Where am I going, what I'm doing and how my life is going to look like. But I try to remain curious as to what is going to happen next. And I just lto let life happen.
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