I am struggling at the moment

@Teej

It's hard to know how or what to respond in your posts, so I haven't. And I've seen them more as a need for you to release stuff that's been suppressed for years.

I'm proud of you for being so vulnerable and courageous. I really am. I don't see any self absorption or pretentiousness. And however it comes out doesn't really matter, but if it helps it's not jumbled and it makes sense.

I can understand why you would be struggling with all this, but I hope in time those struggles are less. I would miss you terribly if you retreated from the forums, so it would be nice for my own selfish reasons if you can stay connected here.

I too can understand how moving on from the trauma of your previous pyschologist would be extremely difficult, and why should you be used to the changes in staff by now? It's difficult no matter how many times they change. It's retelling our story, building up trust and rapport. All that is happening while we battle with the ups and downs of our mental illness.

So if I don't respond @Teej

it's simply because I'm listening along. But I'm right beside you too, quietly whispering 'go Teej, go Teej'. You have my full, unwavering support

Thank you @Sans911, @CheerBear for your very considered and thoughtful responses.

I have been very grateful for both of you being you and being around on the forum. I guess my post I retracted was a little about that. I now understand that everytime I connect with someone in a meaningful way I get my crazy on too. I become too intense and then overthink every interaction (occasionally I pull something out that I don’t overthink). I am so scared of making things worse or causing harm. I care so much that when you hurt my need to fix that pain overrides anything helpful. My intensity jumps up as does my insecurity and fear of causing harm and getting it wrong. I have recently connected that this is part of the hangover from past events. The hate and loathing I have from hurting others from taking him back has gone into overdrive. @Former-Member has copped this in full force too in the past.

@Faith-and-Hope I’ve even done the crazy insecure stuff with you lately. I know we have the soul sista stuff. I’ve tried to not include you because I know you are so tied up lately with a life in overdrive but always appreciate your thoughts.

I have more that’s on my mind too.

Im not sure whether to reinstate that post on the recovery thread or not. It all feels very confusing just now. I kept a copy of it before I deleted it. Part of me wants to put it up so that when others are struggling to do the me too thing and connect on the forum they might know they are not alone in that as well. I’d appreciate your thoughts re this.

Thank you @Teej. I am very grateful for you too and have been since I joined. I love your sense of humor. You have such caring kindness and you get it. I own a fixit brain also (and now spend time with Mr Fixit which is a bundle of fun sometimes :face_with_rolling_eyes:😉) so I understand the want to try and make things better for people we care about. It's hard when we struggle with doubt and fear of making things worse too. I haven't been hurt by your posts before, but I get how it can feel scary thinking maybe we could hurt someone. You've helped me in so many ways Teej.

There's a reason you kept that post. That's all I'll say I think.

😘

Thank you so much for your response @CheerBear 😘. You are on a hiding to nothing really with Mr fixit brain irl and Mrs fixit brain on the forum 😜.

I think ill re read that post later and see if I can salvage it better. I know the points I were trying to make got mixed up in my woe is me stuff which was never my intention. Thanks again for your response. I’m going to go looking for some garden pretties and try to restore some balance again and get out of my head for a bit.

Hugs 💜🤗

Despite your own insecurity and self doubt you are a remarkable woman @Teej

You've helped me in many, many ways. Perhaps much more than you realise. And yet it is myself that wants to heal your hurts, and feels helpless and a bit lost when I can't prevent you from self harm. I need to realise sometimes that no one can fix anyone else, but the ability to be in that space, to listen and for you to be heard might sometimes be enough. I too self harm even after my pyschologist or helplines try to talk me out of it. Because it has become an addiction, an itch that is unbearable if not scratched. Its a way of shutting down and shutting off. What your son did for you is remarkable, and there is proof of the love and concern that people have for you. It time to stop blaming and hating yourself for the decisions of years ago that are holding you back from true recovery. Turn that back outwards to where it is supposed to go to. Those that hurt you. We do what we do at the time based on what feels right, even if it might not be. Yes, others might have been hurt, but that wasn't your intention nor are you to blame for that. It was what it it was. It can't be changed, erased, reversed or rewritten. This immense fear you have of hurting others is hurting you too. And often it's not the case. You've never hurt me, nor have seen you hurt others.

Put the post up if you think it's helpful. You may be surprised who comes across it and find it resonates with. Reading your posts was how I connected to you. There are many similarities between you and I despite our different life trajectories. I too go into overdrive with new people. Then I overthink. Then I go into negative mode. Then I often go into overwhelmed mode and need to shut down. I think that people can't possibly like me because I'm too much for them. I've much work to do on that as well.

And I will say that it’s not self-absorbed to reach out for help and try to process things by writing them out for others who care ..... and for others who are struggling similarly, as you have said ....

Its self-nurturing @Teej ...... hoping that providing you the positive label will help you internalise it .....

Please be gentle with yourself, and know that what you write is worth reading ..... worth sharing .....

Yes, I am in juggle mode, but that doesn’t mean I can’t spare a moment to hear you, to connect with you .....

Hugs n sista love always .....

💜💜💜

Thanks for sharing that @Sans911. It was helpful for me just now to hear those me too moments as well.

Ironically before d day I still overthought stuff but was so much more vague and the clown that it didn’t rip me apart like it does now. I’ve spent my life apologising for things that I’ve worried might upset someone but it didn’t always come with the self hate rage it does now. This is why I wanted so much for this therapy to go ahead. I thought I might be able to release some of it. I can’t with my therapist now. I protect her from my stuff because I care too much about her too. The psychologist that I did the assessment with I think I would have been able to drag it out albeit probably in a very messy way.

It was so so good to read and feel like you were doing a bit better. I really hope that continues today. I suspect today may be a bit of a crash day for you.

Sending hugs and best wishes. 💜🤗

P.S I’ve noted some shocking grammatical errors in my posts today. Banana brain working so well 😳

@Teej, sending you big hugs my friend , soo good to see you

I know I don`t say much but I am sitting with you xx

I think being meantally, emotionally abused when young raises it head , and I find it hard to write down what i am thinking

Just clued in to your earlier post that I missed @Teej ....

“should be used to staff changes by now ..... “

😳😳😳😧 .... WTF ???!! 🤭:face_with_rolling_eyes:😡

How does that work ?!

I am shying off stepping up to more counsellors to retell our enormous story ..... again ..... and If you score someone with low EI, it bounces you on your head for the entire time you’re dealing with them.

Sorry ..... hoping I am not making it worse for you .... just ....,. 😧😧😧😑 (where is the bang-your-head-on-the-desktop emoji ??)

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope. Yep I think we could do with a banging your head emoji. I can understand why you are being really cautious about launching into therapy again. You really will need the right person for your situation. They are out there. I think they are out there and it’s a bit like finding a teacher who brings out the best in you. They are there but finding the right one for you might take some work.

I got an early birthday present today. I’m hoping it stays. We can make albums now for our pics on the forum. It’s awesome. I put in a big request for it but never thought it would happen. Just testing this one to make sure it works. It’s been the highlight of my day. Small things amuse small minds 😳.

@Shaz51 I think this is for you too trying to juggle looking after everyone 💜🤗