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I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember23 July 2016, 6:06 pm AEST

I am struggling at the moment

I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.

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In response to: I am struggling at the moment

CheerBearSenior Contributor17 Aug 2018, 2:14 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

It makes heaps of sense @Teej that feeling like you're on trial (which anything 'assessment' would probably do to me too) plus not knowing whether you trust her and also that she's new to you, make that crazy turn up. It takes ages for me to build up some kind of trust with someone new and the start of things is always a bit tricky. I think it's pretty natural to question whether you can work with someone at the beginning. While it's important to listen to inside feelings about things, I believe it's also important to give it a go too and test them out. Things are uncertain at the moment with it and maybe that's adding to your uncertainty as to whether it might work anyway, also.

I'm not sure if that makes sense (it sounded better in my head). I'd be a bit scrambled with the outcome of that call also, is what I am trying to get at I think 😕

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor17 Aug 2018, 2:23 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

It makes sense @CheerBear. Perhaps it’s extra big because if it goes ahead I have to sign a 12 month contract with twice weekly sessions. She said next week would be looking at what that involved. I’m guessing that doesn’t mean I’m ruled out but I don’t think she has gone through all the processes yet. It means that there are still lots of check boxes to tick yet. I feel the pressure too because if it goes ahead I am her guinea pig for accreditation for this therapy which brings up lots of performance things and fear on my behalf.....and I’m so scared she doesn’t know me enough but I’m scared for her to know me as well. Talking in circles much :face_with_rolling_eyes:.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

CheerBearSenior Contributor17 Aug 2018, 2:30 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

That's a lot of things to think about and consider with it all for you @Teej. If you get the go ahead on Friday would you be able to make a decision about it after then or is it the kind of thing you'll need to say yes to on the day? Decisions seem easier to make when you know where you stand I think.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor17 Aug 2018, 2:40 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

I’ll have time after @CheerBear. I think she still has to submit things before it goes ahead still too. It’s hard though because if I say no then cmh will say I’m not doing the things I need to be better. I’m caught between a rock and a hard place with it but I’m not complaining and I know I’m lucky to have this support. I’m being offered something and they are trying to support me, it’s just bringing my crazy out even more.....cos that’s me 😳:face_with_rolling_eyes:😜

Thanks for the chat. I feel a fair bit calmer. I may even survive today after all 🤨. I really expected to experiencing full si so I’m taking this as a huge win.

I hope your day has some more good in it. 💜🤗

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

CheerBearSenior Contributor17 Aug 2018, 2:59 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

That kind of rock and hard place is another level of tricky @Teej. I really feel like there would be lots of people who would struggle going through the process you've been through. It sounds like you'e doing really well managing today though. Go you in lots of ways 😊

And thanks. Today is one of the good ones for me and I'll be quietly celebrating that tonight ☺ This feels like a new chapter now.

Nice chatting with you Teej ❤

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

DarkContributor18 Aug 2018, 4:18 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

I found this forum because I don’t know if I can make it through tonight. The nights are so hard now. I want to reach out to someone...anyone. There is no one. There is no one healthy to whom I can turn. I was diagnosed as BP in January. I was 41. I’ve failed so many ways. I have three kids and my marriage is failing because of the coping mechanisms I developed. I can’t do this. I can’t be apart from my kids. I can’t go on.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Shaz51Senior Contributor18 Aug 2018, 4:23 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Hello and welcome @Dark

it is soo good to see you here and to let you know you are not alone my friend

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

DarkContributor18 Aug 2018, 4:26 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

It’s the nights that are killing me. My wife and I are separated. I cheated. I leaned that I was bipolar in the aftermath...marriage counseling led to individual counseling led to diagnosis. I’ve been on pristiq since January. That was fine when I lived at home and got to be with my kids, who are my ENTIRE life. Now that I’m out of the house I can’t deal with the nights anymore. I give all I have during the day, but at night it’s just me alone with nothing.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

DarkContributor18 Aug 2018, 4:28 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Bipolar regardless, I’m a great dad. I’m a terrible husband. I can’t do this anymore.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

DarkContributor18 Aug 2018, 4:31 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

I can’t be fully honest with anyone. I miss my affair partner (it’s been almost 2 years) because I at least felt accepted for being the f***ng monster that I am when we were together.

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