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I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember23 July 2016, 6:06 pm AEST

I am struggling at the moment

I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.

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In response to: I am struggling at the moment

CheerBearSenior Contributor08 July 2018, 11:48 am AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Teej

Thank you so much for sharing, really truly. It's not pathetic and it's not bringing anyone down. It's real and it hurts and it's big and it's a whoooole lot of buses. I get it and I'm sure all of us who know and care about you do too.

I know how hard change is and when lots of things are changing in a big way, it can feel like everything is turned upside down and all over the place. I think most people who experience things getting jumbled up would find it really hard to know where to go or what to do from there. It makes so much sense that we go back to doing what we think will help us get through, even if it isn't the healthiest way to do things.

I get so big time stuck with situations like yours (my CB version of those kinds of things). I get shame in a big way. It doesn't help me at all, but it is an almost constant extra layer of hard on top of what's already hard. Letting go of it and being more kind to myself, is going to be my focus for the next little while. The hurt and angry parts of me are not going down without a big fight though and I have a feeling it's going to be a long battle with kicking deep rooted ways of beating myself up.

Wish there was a fix it wand to wave for you, but there's not, so I'll let you know I am sitting and feeling and hearing with you Teej ❤

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Shaz51Senior Contributor08 July 2018, 11:51 am AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

sending you lots of tender hugs @Teej and sitting with you

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

CheerBearSenior Contributor08 July 2018, 11:52 am AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Ps - thank you for that message above also @Teej. A little while ago on one seriously messy night, you very kindly and gently encouraged me to think about having a good honest look at where I was and you helped me find my brave so I could do the scary CATT thing to get to the break place. You made a huge difference at the time Teej, along with other kind and gentle forumites, and I am incredibly thankful for that.

I look forward to seeing any pretties. Mine are scraggly looking ones really, but they tend to come good eventually (hopefully) 😊

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor08 July 2018, 12:06 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Thanks @Shaz51, @CheerBear. 💜💜

Im going to try and be human for a bit.

Hugs 💜🤗 ( got it right this time @CheerBear, last post to you I had a whoopsie in there)

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

CheerBearSenior Contributor08 July 2018, 12:18 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Haha I love the whoopsies emojis 😊

Hope however you're planning on spending the next little bit, it's OK for you @Teej.

This one comes to mind today (I watched and read and pondered a lot of Brene over the last few weeks)

Please don't hold back from breaking that silence wherever and however. I think can be scary to do, but maybe it can help sometimes.

💜

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember08 July 2018, 12:26 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

listening and sitting near by @Teej - lots going on for you right now and it would be very hard... not pathetic as CB said... be gentle with you, as much as you are always of others going through lots of change and hard times.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Shaz51Senior Contributor08 July 2018, 12:32 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Teej, you are a wonderful encouraging friend to me and many other here xxxxxx ( my kisses are running wild here xxxxx)

Hello my friend forever @Former-Member

and lots of hugs @CheerBear

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor08 July 2018, 1:28 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Thanks @Shaz51 for your lovely kind words.

@Former-Member I suspect you may have as much if not more going on for you. Thank you for being here.

@CheerBear Thank you so much for your timely intervention. You got me outside and I potted up some plants that were way over due. And I took these pretties whilst outside. They look a bit photoshopped but I haven’t touched them. Phone seems to be over saturating them. The colours are all very vibrant though.

And two nights ago the jigsaw of the day was this ......

Which helped to distract hugely. It took about 90 min to do ☺️

Thanks for the Brené quote too. It’s kind of powerful. For me just now it’s a vicious circle. Tell all and fear judgement and rejection but feel somewhat more authentic. I have a feeling that the new psychologist isn’t going to let me get away with much. On my first meeting she called the elephant in the room straight up. She much more direct than I’ve had before but maybe that’s a good thing too. I can’t stay paralysed and in this bubble forever.

I hope everyones one’s day is ok. 💜🤗

@Sans911 Thinking of you. I know it really a rough time for you too. 💜🤗 (I saw you under the like).

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Shaz51Senior Contributor08 July 2018, 1:34 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

flowers are beautiful @Teej, soo colourful and I love the jigsaw xx

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

AppleblossomSenior Contributor08 July 2018, 1:35 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Gorgeous pretties @Teej

@CheerBear That Shame quote is important for me as well. Thanks.

Hey @Former-Member @Sans911

I am learning slowly slowly about ... how much to say and stay in authenticity. It is tricky. It is partly a skill, but I also think it is partly about timing and the population you are sharing with.

ie sometimes there IS simply too much going on to make mindful socially aware decisions about the words we use.

Take Care ALL

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