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I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.
Sorry @Faith-and-Hope. My bad to dump that on you 😢😢😢😢😢. I’m thinking iPad face has kicked in.
Its ok. I know there is nothing you or anyone can do. I get to choose the ending whatever that is.
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
😞@Teej, you know when i was really bad, in hospital, my roommate said something to me that has stayed, she said "what a horrible day, i think I'll ask for my night meds and just go to bed early ronight" Sometimes we gotta stop thinking and just call it a day. You can do this @Teej, God knows youre tired enough. Check back in here un the morning & we'll help you get out of tgat bed lol. but for now - rest.
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Hi @Teej.....
These days I am falling asleep on Bed Island, then walking up on Bed Island, then turning off lights, undoing the face plant, and going to sleep on Bed Island again ..... at least for another couple of days ....
Are you still around ?
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
💐💜💕💐💜💕💐💜💕💐
@Teej .....
Looks like another up and down night ....
Hoping you’re sleeping Hon.
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
@Teej ?
It took me a while to come back around to your previous post to see how you were feeling ......
The diagnosis over my S2, pending over mr. f&h has two different presentations. Mr has the aggressive, controlling presentation ..... S2 has the “what’s the use ?” presentation ......
While we are lacking a formalised diagnosis over mr. there is little we can do with that other than to understand what he is going though, and what boundaries and safeguards we need in order to keep living with it .....
Where S2 is concerned, he has to be able to recognise the voice of his illness and discipline it ..... that is his inner work. Again, we have to understand his arena, his battleground, understand when he is feeling unable to get in there and is sitting ringside instead ..... and when he has managed to suppress that voice and get over the bollards and back into life-play .......
Any of this sounding familiar ?
Don’t let the voice win ...... the voice exists outside the arena ....... the arena is where you can take action to reduce the power of the voice over your life ....... so rest with it in your ear sometimes if that is all you can do, but please, please don’t invest in its lies ...... it’s the deluded voice of a liar that is trying to convince you that you are deluded about getting back into the arena ...... tell it to p•ss off with its lies and distress, cos you’re gonna win this battle long term .......
Winning the battle long term means it’s in rounds ....... just get up and fight the rounds @Teej ...... one day you will be surprised to see that there are only a few rounds to go ..... and then after that, you have come through ......
Keep swimming ...... just keep swimming .......
Treat the voice like a mosquito in your ear ......
💜💜💜
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
💐💜@Teej .......
Meeting with a cousin, then psych apt.
Will come looking for you afterwards ......
Hugs ❣️
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
@Teej - whenever we reach out here on the forums it's often with trepidation and at a time we're quite vulnerable. No one in these forums are stronger or weaker than others. We all have had different traumas, experiences, conditioning, and upbrings that have contributed to what makes us unique. Therefore our reactions to our life, and the way we deal with situations is unique and individual. Comparing ourselves to others, particularly when vulnerable, just creates a negative cycle of unworthy feelings and lowered self confidence and esteem. It is what it is; whatever we are dealing with.
Sometimes instead of fighting our feelings it is worthwhile just sitting with, even if they scare us. Fully acknowledging these feelings gives them you attention. Thank them for being there, sit in the moment and feel there power over you, watch them likes leaves on a river, or clouds in the sky passing by. Soon there will be clearer skies and no more leaves but sparkling clean water.
Teej, with the weight f what you are going through right now, which I only have a glimpse of, I understand the feelings of not trying hard enough, not good enough and pathetic efforts. I believe that's pretty harsh to judge ourselves that way, and instead I reframe it to the fact is, I am fighting a fight with a monster. Fighting against a monster we have no knowledge or tools to defeat it. So all of us are doing the best we can with what we know and have skills for.
And yes, while parts of you are your diagnosis, it is not the total sum of you. There are many facets to what makes Teej.
Do you want to know something about me you or others might not be aware of. I'm ultra sensitive, and I react strongly to changes, I react strongly to seemingly innocent remarks, I react strongly to so many things others don't. It might be perceived as dramatic to some, but it's how I react. It's how I have reacted my whole life. It's not until you a given new tools to handle those situations that your reactions can reduce.
I'm so sorry you feel like you don't want to live. I wish you could find reasons or a purpose to carry on. Your burden and darkness seems insurmountable, and I truly do understand the pain and anguish you are in. I've been there so many times and still have days where those forces consume me. I don't to say any contrite or invalidating to you that is false and take away from the seriousness of how you feel. But I can promise you one thing. You will get through this if you hold on. Please try to reach out here. You are important as anyone else. Your needs are no less than anyone else. I have a lot of respect for you @Teej and your story is interesting to me as much of it resonates with me.
You can tag me anytime @Teej, and I will respond to you. I don't care what you need me for, and I would never consider you weak, pathetic or overly needy. You are a person in pain, and needing more strength than you have to get through these trying times. Let others help you. You are worthy and deserve that.
@Former-Member It was helpful to read your comments today. Thank you for sharing them.
@Sans911 Thank you sincerely for your reply. I know it’s one I have to ponder over. I went to respond before but it was all negative and self hate which I am in control of enough tonight to not post it.
@Faith-and-Hope It is very hard read impossible to identify my inner critic. It was made harder today in therapy. My therapist backed my critic in a way I couldn’t understand. I’m very confused right now between what is truth and fact to deal with and what is the inner critic. It was a very strange session which may have been like it because it was done by phone because I couldn’t make it there. I cried the entire time which made it harder for her to hear me. I find I cry more on the phone than irl when I the mask comes on more.
I’m here and not in the hole i was in last night but very solemn just now. Just getting through hour by hour. It is so hard when you’ve been in the trenches day after day with things building to see out at all. I had tried so hard but completely lost it last night. I did manage though to not act on my plan or self medicate. @Former-Member You were right. I was exhausted beyond coping.
The hardest thing was that I was trying really hard to be positive and was trying to work on goals just over a week ago. I was doing better than I had for ages. A week on and I really really wanted to enact my suicide plan last night. I don’t want to be this person who is constantly at extremes. It’s like I am a different person every day.
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