I am struggling at the moment

Thanks @Appleblossom ..... 💕

@Teej have you heard of Kati Morton ? Look her up on YouTube. I have seen her vid (one of) on BPD, but she really kicks a*se with eating disorders, so I haven’t gone looking at what else she covers in her talks. She seems young and quirky at first glance, but she really knows her stuff.

See what you think. I looked at her website, but it doesn’t reflect the value I have found in her video clips.

Oh @Appleblossom, @Faith-and-Hope I so need some of your pragmatic approaches and grit to get through. They have served you both well. I’ve found the past few weeks being torn apart from either being inspired by people on the forum or ripping myself up with comparisons. At the moment I have so much admiration for you all on here. I’m afraid I’ve become a victim of myself. I am very much struggling to get out of child mode. I don’t have much more to say. My tears own me. I’m going to say goodnight because I’m just a mess again. I thank you all so much for all being in my life, lately I haven’t deserved it at all. Sending hugs 💜🤗

Just took a second look at Kati Morton’s website @Teej .....

Scrolling further down the page I think there are some YouTube vids that directly address some of the issues you are struggling with, and they are laid out there, easy to read their topics.

Dont worry about it tonight in this state of overwhelm, but when you are feeling a bit more ground3d, here she is ....

https://www.katimorton.com/tag/kati-morton/

Hugs n hugs Hon ..... you know I went through the wringer to develop the grit I have, and you’re in the wringer now ..... just ... keep ... swimming .... no matter what ❣️

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Oh @Teej, you're worth it. I'll tell you a secret. I'm really fearful of relapsing (having a setback like you're recovering from now, and the fallout with people...). Trouble is - i'm under so much pressure here with my siblings throwing the MI in my face, and telling others, using it to make themselves seem better. Nor reafy to acknowledge recovery efforts i've made, waiting for me to trip up... And I'm scared i'll let dad down. I haven't been good @ knowing when I'm too close to the edge So use to being stressed i guess.

@Sometimes i want to 'be free'of it all, jump in the car and disappear to nowhere, and SI nagging away... I made a contract with myself to go to home (my house) first, maybe visit old friends, my girls headstone & my son. But even that, what if I'm physically, or so depressed to find the energy? Sometimes i can barely close up the house @bedtime.. And some days i don't wanna fave the world. Yesterday i felt it

Anyway, thing is - therer is some truth in their mudslinging, i do have underlying MI, and lost control & ended up in hospital... and relapsed. I know it, & i'm ashamed, and fight to put it behind me and mpve fwd. Professionals encourage growth (recovery) but there's a lot of ignorance in my family, its harder to recover when ppl around expect ya not to.

i lack personal trust / confidence often (will i cope? ). Worry that I'll not do it again (fall into blackdog's hole)... It worries me, especially watching what you're going through.

Truth is - i have, i did, i might again. Oh boy but i'm fighting to hang on to invisible strength & hope not to give these back stabbing siblings the satisfaction of saying 'i told you so' Ha! nope!

I'm not explaining real well.

Just have hope Teej, dcratch back some ground every day and one morning you'll wake surprised, & say "I'm back"

Hang in there Teej, start a little project - crossstitch or something. I'm tidying. Mums garden atm and starting to see progress is helpful.

Be kind to yourself ❤❤❤

Grit @Teej You can grow it. Its only part of the answer. Because feelings are also important to be able to LOVE. WIthout them you cant. You just need to get your casing a bit more gritty maybe??? I dunno.

I read somewhere on the forum .. I think it was @Queenie

Something about ... Making Plans and Do it.... and yeah I have played mess with my head games for 20 years about what actually should be followed through on.

Already like that Katie Morton site @Faith-and-Hope 1% tax on 7 figure incomes. The value of people is simply not reflected by the range of incomes in the real world The spread should be smaller and the means and modes higher ... if you get my ole stats & tax officer mentality. The site merits a good read.

@Former-Member I tend to have the family model - attachment theory approach to mental health and illness. That implicates your sibs as part of the problem. Flick the mud right back at any slingers. It is not just about who gets the label. It is how roles and feelings are divvied up within the family system that is key. One person may be practical, one hold all the pain, one the irresponsible one etc ... It is a psychosocial INTERACTIVE phenomena.

@Former-Member suggestion to take up a new project ... even if it is tidying may help.

@Teej Or adding an upgrade to the family meals. I upgrade on nutrition and taste, not on difficulty. It has to be easy as my concentration aint great, but over the years the hits outdo the misses. Make a decision about general quality more ingredients in the salads ... simple .. but then look up a recipe ... forget about it for a while .. but come back to it ... when the mood strikes .. allow yourself to have feelings. Mothers were never meant to be machines.

Been playing obscure recorder pieces and dreaming of lots of future music ...

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope I can now add

"Getting up and dusting ourselves off" to my mantra list. got some triple syllable rhthyms going that were supposed to be what I needed to according to the Raj Yoga Gurus back in the 80s.

I just watched that video too. Yes recovery is often about Narrative.

So glad ... maybe I inspired some of the mods to do some Narrative Therapy in South Australia. Not that Michael White is my new guru ... It was a couple years ago now, maybe they already had it in their diaries, but it did not seem to the direction underpinning the fact sheets etc ....

Which is why the writing out, posting on forums, and journalling can be so good.

But Katie Morton did have the caveat ...

We do not really want to retramatise ourselves.

Exposure therapy for a purpose. and a PROCESS, not endlessly self whipping.

Did anyone read her blurb about process. I thought it excellent.