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I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember23 July 2016, 6:06 pm AEST

I am struggling at the moment

I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.

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In response to: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor30 Mar 2018, 5:28 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Thanks @eth, @Former-Member, @Faith-and-Hope and @Appleblossom for all those things you posted last night that had to be edited. I needed to hear that.

Im in a strange but ok place for now. Sorry not much else to say.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor30 Mar 2018, 5:52 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Hugs @Teej ..... 💐💜💕

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor30 Mar 2018, 6:12 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

What have you been up to today @Teej ?

Eaten something ? Taken meds ?

Not a checking up on you .... if I could drop around and see you I would want to know that you’re getting your supports back under you, and it starts with the basics ...

When I am really fatigued, one of the first things I do is stop walking. When I am getting myself up and going again, walking is part of my recovery. Just as an example ....

💜

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor30 Mar 2018, 6:55 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Faith-and-Hope You know me so well. I had a really bad phone call with my cc a few hours ago and a frustrating conversation about going to hospital. Since then I’ve had a coffee and returned to bed. I’m very sad and confused but luckily more sedated which means I’m not so intense.....just now although kids are arguing again.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor30 Mar 2018, 7:18 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@CheerBear. When you are in full overwhelm what helps you the most?

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor30 Mar 2018, 7:22 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Eating helps to stabilise blood sugar @Teej ..... assisting emotional regulation and clearer, more grounded thinking. I believe some of mr’s issues with food and other “treats” is linked to whether he deserves to eat which foods ..... which translates to self-care or self-saboutage ......

Does this figure anywhere with you, do you think ?

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

CheerBearSenior Contributor30 Mar 2018, 7:27 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Teej when I am in full overwhelm I can't do much other than ride it out. I remember that it passes, try to tell myself that I have been there before and that it can't last like that forever. I try to trust that my brain and my body weren't designed to be in that state for a long, long time. I talk it through sometimes and sometimes it helps. Sometimes I wrap myself in my blanket and sit very still so I don't act on full overwhelm feelings. I watch my self-talk and try to pull myself up on "I hate me and I hate my life" words. Even if I can't bring myself to say nice things about myself, I try to say more of the "we've been here before and we can get through this" ones. Sometimes distractions work, but a lot of the time not really. Reset with meds and sleep sometimes help. Things often feel better or more manageable with sleep for me. I don't even try to chip away at what's overwhelming me until the intense feelings have eased up a bit, because it can overwhelm me more to try and then get nowhere.

Are any of those things that sound like they could work for you? What do you find works the best?

Huuuuge (gentle) hugs ❤

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor30 Mar 2018, 7:28 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

I have just finished off the pack of choc bickies @Faith-and-Hope. I have an idea about a few things @Faith-and-Hope. I only just connected them. Not sure of how to work my way around them though yet. I’m so tired and so in need of space to breathe.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor30 Mar 2018, 7:35 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

What happens when your kids are in the space of overwhelm for you? @CheerBear. Right now I feel like if I could have the right meds and no one including my dog (no one or thing to feel guilt for or responsibilities for I might have a chance of getting through. For me it’s days of it at a time until I’m through. Usually three days. I think his is why short stay in hospital worked so well for me. A chance to stop until I could breathe and get back on without facing anything to trigger any emotion. I need that vacuum. And now I’m beating myself up that that is ridiculous and spoilt and leads me down the path of destruction.

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

CheerBearSenior Contributor30 Mar 2018, 7:52 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

That's when it is the absolute hardest @Teej 🙁 It feels totally inescapable and hard to breathe. So much empathy for that one. I do the very minimum I need to do and that has to be enough. Tiny, bite sizable chunks and try really hard to forget about anything thay doesn't need immediate attention.

The beating yourself up is hard. It doesn't help and I think we all know that but it can be so hard to stop doing it sometimes. Its not ridiculous or spoilt to need some kind of break or space when you're in hard space (and just because also).

I can see how hospital could help as a reset. I know I would have taken a time out reset again if I could have.

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