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I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember23 July 2016, 6:06 pm AEST

I am struggling at the moment

I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.

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In response to: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor29 Mar 2018, 10:59 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

And now my left hand is empty (put them down) and tears are rolling down my face, sadness is winning which is better than self destruct anger @Faith-and-Hope My therapist wanted to call an ambulance today for me but I said no. I said she could contact cmh if she needed to. I was supposed to wait but took off. Cmh (CATT) rang and I didn’t answer and they left a message to go to Ed but I couldn’t do it. I was paralysed and couldn’t go anywhere in case they did a safety check at home. I rang sane and they helped so much more and I managed to get home home but then I was all alone and all the self sabotaging happened again.

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor29 Mar 2018, 11:16 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Thank you for telling me @Teej ..... I want to know ..... I want to hear about it ......

Hugs Hon ..... yes, let the sadness out ......

I cried over sad movies on the plane yesterday ..... it’s a great cover, and a great way of triggering the tears to flow ......

I hurt ..... and the hurt needs to be expressed .... so find the healthier ways. It’s part of the healing ......

💜💜💜

Proud of you. Keep swimming ..... you mean more to us here than you know .....

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor29 Mar 2018, 11:27 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

I’ve cried for two days @Faith-and-Hope. I’m glad you got to release from the movies.

I have become extra frightened to feel. I struggle to let myself feel anything but destructive stuff lately.

My therapist didn’t help today in a way that made it worse. I don’t know if she was having a bad day or she’s over me. I bought her roses as a last present before I can’t do it again and as a goodbye present if I don’t get through.

Just a side track. You know I joined the forum in nov 2015 but didn’t post until April (think it was Easter) 2016.

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor29 Mar 2018, 11:37 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

I have been here two years now @Teej, so you were here ahead of me, but posting just after.

Sorry it wasn’t a good day with your therapist ..... but she is good value over all, isn’t she ?

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor29 Mar 2018, 11:43 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

She’s on my side @Faith-and-Hope but we are not making progress at the moment. I’m not sure why. It might be me. I think we are too close again. Not sure what else to say on the matter.

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor29 Mar 2018, 11:44 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Perhaps peaks, troughs and plateaux are all part of the course @Teej ?

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor29 Mar 2018, 11:46 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Maybe. @Faith-and-Hope

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor29 Mar 2018, 11:52 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

I guess we get closer to you in time next weekend over there @Faith-and-Hope. You know you are saving my backside big time.

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor29 Mar 2018, 11:52 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Maybe my hair is like those mood stones @Teej ..... when I am feeling happy again it might turn pink .....

Wonder what will turn it purple ..... eating too many mulberries ?

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

AppleblossomSenior Contributor29 Mar 2018, 11:54 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Teej

It can be a triggering time of year. Glad you are still here.

@Faith-and-Hope... there were few smiles in your posts. Thanks

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