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I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember23 July 2016, 6:06 pm AEST

I am struggling at the moment

I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.

3364 replies

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In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember05 Feb 2017, 12:08 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

You should be able to just start at step 3 @Pepsimax if you are on the sane site to see this page.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

AppleblossomSenior Contributor05 Feb 2017, 12:35 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Hi @Pepsimax @Former-Member et al.

Hope you dont mind me just popping by.

Your description of one foot in the grave is powerful @Former-Member. It rang a few bells with me. I am sure being able to articulate it and share it .. can help you lift that other foot onto terra firma and walk into life again .. when you are ready. I think I clung to the other side in a way as I felt there was a safety and comfort in it, but eventually I have been making forays out into the real live world .... maybe a little like @Faith-and-Hope makes raids on her housework ... get out there .. socialise a bit and then scamper for home.

I saw a wonderful

uillean piper

today in a workshop run by

2 gorgeous young men

so I have been wandering celtic style online .. listening to The Chieftains.

Hope you all sleep better tonight.

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

KurraSenior Contributor05 Feb 2017, 12:40 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Hi @Former-Member
I'm slowly getting better and back to engaging with all sectors of my life (including the forums) so that's a really good sign.

Dog and I were invited for a BBQ with some very special friends tonight. We both had a delightfully relaxing evening and Dog was thoroughly spoilt.

I had a good phone appointment with my psychiatrist last week and he told me he had never thought it would be possible for me to recover as I have. He went on to say that I had the most severe bipolar that he'd ever encountered. He's much the same age as I am and mood disorders is what he is best known for.

He did however make me start taking my mood stabiliser meds again. He believes the risk of developing full blown mania again is too high. I promised that I would start taking it again and I have!

Unless I've got people muddled up you got into that Cert IV in Mental Health, didn't you. I've got a feeling that you'll take to this course like a duck to water. I truly believe that you will find your future through the course and you'll be able to pull that foot lingering over the grave will remove itself quite rapidly.

Although it doesn’t feel like it at the moment you have all the signs of a survivor. It takes one to know one Teej.
Hugzzz 💕 🎶

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember05 Feb 2017, 1:01 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

You know I love you popping by @Appleblossom 💜

I hadn't seen it as a comfort before either @Appleblossom until my therapist pointed it out. It is not just socialising but lots of things. I will really struggle to break these cycles. I finally get the hard work that lies ahead. I'm going to fall over heaps if this past week is anything to go by.

I just looked up uillean pipes as I was unsure. I didn't know that's what they are called but feature lots in one of my favourite bands which fuses Celtic and African music surprisingly they are known as Afro Celt Sound System 😄 I'm glad you've had a lovely day. 💜🤗

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember05 Feb 2017, 1:13 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

I'm pleased to see you are getting better @Kurra. You've had such a long difficult haul. I know you still have a way to go too. So very glad you e got dog by your side now.

Im really glad you're looking after you the best you can and that your psyche has your back leaving nothing to chance so you can be as well as possible.

Yes I got into my cert 4 in mental health. Absolutely petrified for all sorts of reasons but I know I have to try and follow this path. It's the only one I have a passion for. I just hope I can do it. You are all starting to sound like my therapist. She has this belief that once I get on my feet the rest will come. I can't see it yet. But I have put my faith in her as she has been the only person in real life that has believed in me and backed me.

Thanks for your support as always and the update.

Hugs 💜🤗

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

KurraSenior Contributor05 Feb 2017, 1:28 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

It's very hard to see these things in ourselves @Former-Member. It takes the vision of those who know us well to see what our minds refuse to let us see. Time will bring you to the point where you too can see and accept it too.

I had an amazing realisation last night. I've always said that I'll fight tooth and nail for the underdog and no good at fighting for myself. I've now realised that I do fight for myself because in reality if I don't gight for me no one else is going to. I think this change happened during the long period that I was living on the streets. It was a close community but at the same time very much a cat and dog (tearing one another apart) existence. At the same time though there was also an extraordinary degree of honesty, trust and integrity within the homeless community.

Sleep well. My eyes are trying to shut as I push them open again. 😆💕🎶

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

PepsimaxSenior Contributor05 Feb 2017, 1:38 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Former-Member I thought i got paid today but its Sunday now not Monday what am i going to do

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember05 Feb 2017, 1:39 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Just wanted to add @Kurra that I'm so very glad you're back😘. I missed you but didn't want to hassle you as I knew you've had heaps to work through. It's been fabulous to see you around the forum a bit

I think I've always been the person to fight for the underdog too. It's easier to fight for others than it is ourselves but I'm glad for you that you've come to this place and are putting you first 💜🤗

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember05 Feb 2017, 1:42 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

What do you need the money now for @Pepsimax? You don't need to answer that but I'm wondering if it is for food or medication or something like that.

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

PepsimaxSenior Contributor05 Feb 2017, 1:46 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Former-Member i need food I'm crying now

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