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I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.
..oh .. often .. I make mistakes daily, weekly, learn to live with it .. my life is far from ideal especially in my head. And shoot me, but am drinking today sometimes its a 'least worst option' .. @Former-Member
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
That's pretty much it in a nut shell @Former-Member. Fundamentally flawed. Tried watching a movie today for enjoyment. I can't deal with the emotion of a movie. It was a good movie but I overanalyse everything too much. My take away from it was that I should die. That I'll never have a life worth living.
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
That "other part" is your irresponsible over-reactive inner teen @Former-Member .... order her back to her room ....
It's okay to feel lost at times, but as @Former-Member says, it's so important to recognise that these are just feelings ..., Judt thoughts ..., they are not concrete and you don't have to act on them .... they will fade progressively if you just ground yourself, distract yourself .... move away from them .... your sensible self is the stronger part, but your inner teen doesn't want you to believe that .... you have the power within you to do an over/ride ....
❤️💕🐬💐💜
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Zoe7Senior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
@Former-Member
yep - feel like that nearly everyday. You guys have made the difference to how much and for how long that lasts. I remember when I first jumped on the forum how much YOU helped me understand myself a bit better and that this was all normal - we have our ups and downs (and really downs). We know we have got through it before but in the moment it doesn't feel like we will this time. You will get through this because you are such a strong, wonderful soul. Do what you need to do to stay safe
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Hugs @Former-Member you can get thru this and you know you want to. You can do it. I get the whole movie thing and associations that come from it. I was watching friends repeats and just tormenting myself with how alone I am in comparison. Take myself apart with finding reasons that I'm not ok/good enough etc. It doesn't help us... But it happens. At least I feel a little less .... Alien.... Knowing that you struggle similarly though I wish it was different xx
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
About an hour ago I had convinced myself I wasn't like anyone else on the forum, that I was weaker and didn't have the guts to stand up and be counted but stand up and be counted for what. This is my only real option for support this week. It's going to be a long week. Everything seems surreal. I cant find what is real. Christmas was a distraction I guess. I began cracking up last night.
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Hugs. We'll have to hold each other up this week. Not alone here. My thoughts keep circling around the drain and also want to self destruct and just fall over in a pathetic he so but life doesn't really allow for that.... We just gotta keep going Lj
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
TABSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Teej, would it help if you cried? Can you cry at the moment? I find it helps sometimes..
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Is this depression? I don't even know. It feels like I know nothing at the moment.
How are you going now @Former-Member?
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Zoe7Senior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
@TAB and we are here to support you anytime (ps need to head to the shop back soon)
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sometimes its a 'least worst option' .. 
