Hi All

Hi @Nells ,

A BIG hug to you. It is not easy.

I do believe Miss BPD will one day wake up to the fact that she's had enough of herself.

As for medication, from what I know, helps alleviate co-morbidities such as anxiety and depression. However, BPD needs a different type of therapy - talking therapy. This takes time, patience, skill.

I do remember my early years where I refused medication. People tried to make me take it, but as part of me wanting to be 'in-control' of the situation, I fought back and would not take it. I wasn't so much against the medication, I was against being 'controlled' and told what to do. Adding to that, I got more assurance that someone was 'looking after me' when I wasn't taking my meds. Does this make sense?

Sometimes, I find myself so horrible in having ever thought this way, but I did. It was a desperate need for someone to care for me and be there for me all the time. In retrospect, I acted out of the impulse and 'need' to be emotionally soothed.

I desperately know how difficult your situation is. Im speaking as a borderline - hopefully Miss BPD will soon realise if something is not working well for her, things need to change. Unless she has a different mindset, it may be like talking to a brick wall. Everybody is different, but I did not begin working on recovery until I was in my early 30s.

@Nells , please know we (pwBPD) do not do and say things to intentionally hurt you. It is because we are looking for some escape out of the emotion pain and torture we are going through.

It has taken me years to realise that is okay to sit with sadness and sorrow. I am still working on this with my therapists. As a borderline, I always wanted to 'get rid of' these 'bad' feelings. I have now come to realise that these are not 'bad' feelings. Rather, these are just feelings. This idea of 'bad' feelings is linked to the concept of black and white thinking where things are categorised as either 'good' (white) or 'bad' (black).

From a BPD's perspective, our relationship with you is just like a child's. We base it on your last word or deed. If the last thing you said to us was 'horrible', then we label you a horrible person. If the last thing you did was 'lovely', then you are a lovely person. We actually struggle to take into consideration all the other things you have done for us. Hence why our relationships are so unstable.

Dear MumNells ( @Nells ), please just be there for Miss BPD and set some clear boundaries for unacceptable/disrespectful behaviour that have been mutually agreed upon. We find comfort in these boundaries despite the stink we may stir up.

BIG HuGS MumNells ( @Nells ),

BPDSurvivor

hello hugs @Nells

hello @Fallen1

and our wonderful friend @BPDSurvivor

Good Morning MumNells @Nells ,

Thank you for your message. Because the community has helped me sooooo much, I feel I owe it to everybody that I continue to advocate for pwBPD. From the bottom of my heart, I want people to understand and know that having BPD is awesome because it is one of the few mental illnesses where is fully reliant on the person to ‘change their story’.

Does MissBPD work or have events to help her get out? Does she have any goals? From her perspective, it can be difficult to speak to family. To this day, I have not confided in my family about my MH needs. They realise I struggle, but in terms of recovery, they are just THERE. Rather, my support network is/was heavily reliant on trained therapists who specialise in BPD. These therapists taught me to open up, taught me to speak about how I was feeling. All my life, my emotions were suppressed. In therapy, we had to practise speaking while in a non-judgmental and safe environment. I hated it, but realised I would not get better unless I practised.

In time, I hope and pray that Miss BPD opens up to the possibility of enacting change. She needs to be prepared to move out of her comfort zone and do things differently. As part of my treatment I was encouraged to act against my natural tendencies and impulses. For example, when I am fused with a harmful thought, rather than act impulsively to ‘get rid’ of the thought (self-harm), I have been working to sit with the discomfort for as long as I can. And guess what? Just like a cloud, it eventually passes.

Another big hug to you MumNells as a carer of Miss BPD. 🤗 There definitely IS light!

Hi to awesome @Shaz51 , @Fallen1 and @outlander too! 👋

BPDSurvivor

MumNells @Nells ,

I forgot to mention. In one of your last messages, you said,

She is not quite right at the moment and waiting for Doc to come back on Monday so I’m on high alert statis

---

Please remember that being 'not quite right' is okay. MH has its ups and downs, let alone BPD.

You, yourself being on high-alert continuously will wear you out. Do you have supports in place for yourself? Depending on where you live, your local area MH network may have a number you can call for added support.

Take care. Breathe. One step at a time.

BPDSurvivor

@BPDSurvivor Hello.. well we survived another week.. visit to the Psych and a change in meds.. Guess it is a tweak here and there to find the right ones.. First couple of days took them no prob.. being good and not nagging.. last night she forgets and it shows today plus it's back to me nagging.. Miss BPD has a job interview tomorrow and has informed me she will be crushed if she doesn't get it.. I've reassured her that she did well to get an interview and the will prob interview several ppl. If she doesn't get it at least she knows she is on the right track.. Fingers crossed as I'm worried about the fallout.. Want to try taking her to counselling - again. She just doesn't want to go through the usual cookie cutter questions and answers and rolls her eyes when told to breathe.. I am hoping this one will listen and just encourage her to talk about what is on her mind rather than try to 'fix' her with breathing exercises etc..

Hi Mum @Nells !

It's great to hear you survived another week!

Juggling meds can be tricky. Some make you up, some make you down and some simply make you round and round. Still, I think it is important she realises it is HER who can ultimately change things. At least she is looking for work. Having work was my stability. I had really tricky days at work, and could have easily walked out, but I knew I would be worse off without the routine of work. I know it is probably tricky at this time to find work, but if she does, it would allow her to feel a great sense of purpose, achievement and independence. It's great you have tried to prepare her for the dreaded answer as to whether she gets the job or not. It's a wise thing to do. That's really all you can do for now.

I know the raw cookie cutter counselling stuff is a drain, but I can also understand why they need to do it. It's hard having to jump from psychologist to psychologist. I could never stick with any in the beginning because in my head, I said, "I doesn't work". It is tricky to pour your soul out to a stranger, especially if you are not a natural talker. I hopped from psychologist to psychologist then gave up. Eventually, I was accepted into a BPD program and this is what changed. This was a very specialised clinic where only a handful of people go through each year. When I realised I was one of the very very FEW who could go through their program, I decided to put in some effort. Later, I heard that people have been on their waiting lists for years and cannot get in, or others who are flatly refused admission. This was when I woke up and said, "I've tried everything else. I may as well give this a go since they have given me a go. Others want to get in and can't, so why don't I make the most of it." And yes, I went through with it, and triumphant on the other side. I'm glad I did it.

With the "breathe" business...well....I HATE IT!!! I get so angry when people tell me to Breathe! But guess what? Physiologically, it makes a HUGE difference. The idea of this breathe business causes huge chemical changes in our bodies so that it helps regulate our fight/flight feelings. My current psychologist has been working tirelessly with me to understand this. I still find it hard, but the key is to practise breathing when you are not in a heightened state so that when you ARE heightened, the breathing element is not so stressful. So yes, I'm still practising this skill because I know the science behind it and its importance....but I still resent it. As I been told, the best way to support yourself is to work against your impulses, especially if you know they are detrimental. So when I get triggered, I need to put effort into finding a space to BREATHE 😩

Anyway, look forward to hearing from you soon!

BPDSurvivor

Hello @Shizzy ,

come and meet some wonderful members @BPDSurvivor , @Fallen1 , @Nells , @outlander

Hi Mum @Nells !

How are you travelling? How is MissBPD?

Thinking of you.

BPDSurvivor